Levels of Clutch

“Yo, where are all the new DJLR’s?”

“Dude, you haven’t written a new DJLR since ‘Nam.  GET ON IT!”

“WRITE ANOTHER DJLR OR I WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!”

This is just some of the feedback that I wish I were getting for not having written a new column approximately 18 days*. 

**The last one I actually did get, but it was from my 11-year-old brother who doesn’t actually read the posts he just “likes the funny pictures about that douche bag LeBron.”  I’ve taught him well**

It’s not that I haven’t wanted to write one (I’ve been working on this idea for like a month); but I was doing nothing.  I know that sounds contradictory, but have you ever actually done nothing?  No obligations, nobody to answer to, just you, your pool, your friends, a couple great movies, and Bill Simmons’ Book of Basketball. 

It’s like a vacation except better.  When you go away on vacation you’re obligated to “do things” because of the “How Could You Waste Your Days in Such a Beautiful Place Doing Nothing?” effect.  When people ask you what you did on your trip to Italy, you don’t want to say “I did nothing,” so you wake up early and spend your days taking half-hearted tours of Rome from a guide who uses antiquated American slang words like “groovy,” which is funny for the first hour but once you get to Hour 5 you just want to throw him off the top of Saint Peter’s Basilica and hope you don’t burn in hell for it. 

Sometimes you just have to do nothing for a while and recharge your batteries.  I needed this nothing time… badly, which is why this Memorial-Day-Weekend-Extended-by-Senior-Cut-Day was so clutch.  Wait a minute…

What is “clutch?” What’s the difference between “Badly Needed Do Nothing Weekend” clutch and, say, “Kobe Bryant Fourth Quarter” clutch?  Is one more valuable than the other?  Am I just forcing a transition here even though there’s no correlation whatsoever?  Let’s find out:

LEVELS OF CLUTCH:

In every sport there are games, possessions, and plays that matter more than others.  In honor of the 2012 NBA Playoffs we’re going to use basketball as our baseline, but the Levels of Clutch (patented, trademarked, not available for resale without the express written consent of DJLR Sports) can apply to any sport and even some real life situations.  We’ll start from the bottom and work our way up…

12. Just No – The name says it all.  You don’t want him anywhere near the ball.  Period. When the fourth quarter comes around tie this guys arms and legs together with heavy duty rope and chain him to a metal chair… in a maximum-security jail cell… at the bottom of the ocean… in space.

Example: Johan Petro (New Jersey Nets)  Who is that?  Exactly.

11. Regular Season Hero – This guy gets it done in the regular season.  He doesn’t have to be spectacular, but he’s at least a serviceable player on a playoff team. However, for some inexplicable reason, he breaks down in the playoffs.  There’s no feasible reason as to why his play is falling off except the fact that each game matters more and he can’t handle the pressure.

Example: Steve Novak* (New York Knicks)

**In Novak’s defense, the Heat smothered him at the three-point line and he literally didn’t have time to release the ball, but the fact that he only attempted seven three pointers in the entire series is inexcusable**

10. $0.75 – This guy right here plays well in first three quarters but comes up short when it matters most.  LeBron has been the butt of many of these “short one quarter” jokes, but in reality LeBron has proven that he can be “the guy” in the fourth quarter several times during his career.  Remember Game 2 in the 2009 Eastern Conference Finals against the Magic?  He may not have the relentless need to win that Jordan had, but he has made big shots.

Example: perceived LeBron James (Miami Heat)

9. Put Your Money Where Mouth Is – In the midst of a media frenzy about the player (trade rumors, off the court issues, inability to play on team that he is on, etc.) the player comes up big to prove that “haters gonn' hate.”  He has a memorable game to dispel all criticism and lets his performance speak for itself

Example: Rajon Rondo (Boston Celtics) in what Bill Simmons dubbed his “DON’T FUCKING TRADE ME!” game  (18 PTS, 17 REB, 20 AST)

8. Present! – The player shows up BIG in an important game when a key player goes down to injury or suspension.  The player knows “this game is on me, if I don’t have a great game, my team will lose.”

Example: Paul Pierce (Boston Celtics) in Game 2 of the Celtic’s first round series against the Hawks when he scored 36 points and grabbed 18 rebounds (after Rondo was suspended for bumping an official LOL). 

7. Must or Bust– The player has stellar performance in a “must win” game (even though its not technically must win, just “it would be a really good idea if we won this game or else we’re going to be in a bad situation”)

Example: LeBron James (Miami Heat) in Game 4 in the Heat’s second round series against the Pacers (40 PTS, 18 REB, 9 AST)

6. Elimination Sensation– The player plays well in elimination game that’s not Game Seven (etc. game 4, 5, 6).  He wills his team to win and extends the team’s season if not only for a couple more days.  If his team makes it to Game 7 then it becomes…

5. Seventh Heaven – Two words every sports fan lives for: Game. 7.  Well favorite word/number combination if you’re being technical.  This guy delivers when there’s only one game that decides who’s moving on and who’s going home crying [insert Chris Bosh crying joke]. 

Example: Bill Russell (Boston Celtics) in Game 7 of the 1962 NBA Finals (30 points, 40 rebounds)

**Sidenote: Is this not the creepiest picture you've ever seen? Russell looks like a cross between Golum from Lord of the Rings and a pedophile luring a child in with candy** 

4. FINALly – AKA Finals MVP, this player steps up his game when title is on the line.  The stage is never bigger, the lights are never brighter, the girls are never hotter, and he shows everybody why they pay him the big billz.

Example: James Worthy (Los Angeles Lakers) 1988 Finals MVP (had a triple double in Game 7)

3. The Closer – The Closer is the person who finishes off the game for you.  He takes control with two minutes left and gives everybody in the stadium the same feeling: “he’s got this.”  He is never more comfortable and he seems to make every right decision down the stretch.  He fills the other team’s fans with dread while giving his own fans a feeling of comfort, like a mother tucking her children in at night and kissing them on the forehead.

Example: Chris Paul (Los Angeles Clippers)

2. Ultimate Final Touch Clutch – it’s the last shot, who do you want to be the last person to touch the ball before the clock hits 0:00?  It’s the truest definition of the word clutch.

            Example: Michael Jordon (Chicago Bulls), Larry Bird* (Boston Celtics)

**I hate the Celtics, but the Legend was a boss. My all time favorite story about him: in the first ever NBA Three Point Contest in 1986, Bird walks into the locker room and says to his competitors “Alright, who’s playing for second?”  The Legend then proceeds to sink 11 straight three pointers en route to winning his first of three consecutive NBA Three Point Contests.**

1. The Brian Scalabrine – AKA the White Mamba AKA the God is all of these clutches put together, strikingly handsome, ridiculously skilled, but his coach doesn’t put him in the game because it would be unfair to the other team. 

**Note: A player can be more than one clutch at a time.  For example, Bill Russell’s 40-30 performance in Game 7 of the 1962 Finals was FINALly Seventh Heaven and LeBron's game-winning shot against the Magic in Game 2 of the 2009 Eastern Conference Finals showed a flash of Ultimate Final Touch Clutch in addition to Must or Bust.**

If you have your own level of clutch (and it’s actually good), send it to dkatz24@gmail.com and you have a chance to win fabulous cash prizes (not really though, but it might you might get a shoutout or a hug or something)

Shoutout to K-Dawg, T-Skillet, and Gray Hound McDougle

#DJLR