13 Things We Know After 2 Games of the NBA Playoffs

            I almost didn’t write a DJLR this week out of sheer depression.  I could barely think, let alone write, about the Knicks without being overcome by a type of indescribable hopelessness the can only result from the realization that your team is going to lose.  There’s no way around it.  No sugarcoating, no happy ending, no silver lining, no light at the end of the tunnel, just defeat: plain and simple.  I would be a little more optimistic if Shumpdaddy was still in and Amar’e was out because the Knicks are a better team when Amar’e and Carmelo aren’t on the floor together and Shumpert is one of the only people on the planet who can guard LeBron.  Too bad he tore his ACL… 

See why I almost didn’t write it?  I sound like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh.  By the way, what kind of name is Eeyore?  It sounds like a derogatory term for a peasant used by one of those pompous 18^th Century British aristocrats. “Oh Charles, did catch the stench radiating off of that poor Eeyore that just passed?  How droll!  He mustn’t have showered in weeks.  Now come, we have wigs to powder.”  You’re right; I’m trying too hard. Regardless it’s a stupid name and I’m upset so deal with it.  If you’re name is Eeyore and you finished reading this paragraph feeling in some way offended, I am sincerely sorry that Eeyore parents named you something that ridiculous. 

            Anyway, even though we’re only two games into the first round of the NBA Playoffs, we’ve learned some valuable lessons about the NBA:

      1.    The Lockout Sucked: for fans the theory of the lockout seemed amazing: back-to-back-to-back games, basketball to watch almost every night, more opportunities to make fun of Shaq on TNT, but now that we got to the playoffs we realize why…

      2.    Injuries Suck: Professional basketball players aren’t meant to play 66 games in 123 days, especially player that are explosive as Derrick Rose. Same with Iman Shumpert who played in 59 out of 66 of the Knicks’ regular season games and 29 straight going into the playoffs.  Enough with the bullshit “it’s Thibodeau’s fault for leaving Rose in the game that long,” we all know who the real culprit behind DRose’s torn ACL and it’s David Stern/Billy Hunter/God-damn capitalism.  If the lockout didn’t tear Rose’s/Shumpert’s ACLs itself, then it definitely gave OJ the knife.  

2a. Amar’e Stoudemire vs. Fire Extinguisher: Amar’e if you are reading this: WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING?!??!?  Why wouldn’t you punch something soft like a sweatshirt, or a pillow, or Mike Bibby? I get that you’re upset, but use that anger to fuel your game not prevent you from playing in the series at all.  To your credit though, it was the first time you attacked the glass in months… (credit: PTI).  

I was looking forward to a heated Bulls-Celtics matchup in Round 2 with DRose and Rondo going at it.  I was looking forward to watching Iman Shumpert try to guard LeBron James and give the Knicks a chance to beat the Heat. I was looking forward to seeing a vintage Amar’e Stoudemire game one last time before his knees give out and he is forced to transfer to the wheelchair basketball league.  Not anymore. Bottom line: Injuries suck, and these probably won’t be the last of them.

      3.    Flopping: Is there a secret Oscar being given away for Best Actor in an NBA Playoffs?  I actually left my friend’s house where I was watching the game after Carmelo got called for another offensive “foul” against LeBron in the third quarter, and as I was leaving I heard Jeff Van Gundy say “You couldn’t knock LeBron James over with that amount of force if you tried.” Seriously though, I would’ve written a total bash column about LeBron and the Heat disgracing the game, but Jeff Van Gundy’s rant during the game and the Bleacher Report’s column pretty much covered it. Tyson’s screen was a borderline foul and LeBron’s “whiplash” was the worst acting I’ve seen since Twilight.  PLAY THE GAME!

      4.    The Referees Suck:  When did basketball become a non-contact sport?  Since when is it illegal to show emotion after a play?  Did the NBA suddenly become the PGA Tour or are the referees just doing a terrible job?  Why am I asking so many questions?  Back in the day players used to get into fights and not get ejected.  Now Tyson Chandler is getting a technical for yelling after a dunk.  Something is wrong and it’s this new sports culture of softness.  Football is violent.  It’s supposed to be violent.  Stop trying to make it not violent.  Basketball players are emotional.  They are supposed to show emotion.  Stop trying to make them show no emotion. 

On another note, the officials rigged Game 1 of the Knicks-Heat series. It’s a fact. Bill Simmons tweeted it best: “28FT’s to 5.  I don’t watch rigged NBA games, I’m switching to hockey.”

Speaking of officials…

 

      5.    Officials don’t like to be bumped: even “accidental” chest bumps.  By the way…

      6.    Rondo looks like the Geico lizard -------------------------------->              

      Also...

      7.    The Celtics are going to the Eastern Conference Finals: We’ve been talking a lot about things that suck, but you know what doesn’t suck?  The Celtics.  I thought that resting their stars would affect their chemistry, and losing Rondo for Game 2 would deal them the “Down 2-0 Curse” that 80% of teams never recover from.  Well… I was wrong.  What’s new?  Much to my dismay, Paul Pierce is a stone-cold killer, and once Ray Allen gets back the Celtics are going to be able to stretch the floor again to open up the paint for Throwback KG.  They’re going to beat the Hawks in six, beat the Rose-less Bulls in five, and then find themselves in the East Finals.  If you told me that during the All Star break I would’ve told you that there was a better chance that the Dwight Howard was staying in Orlando… Wait…

      8.    Are the Magic better without Dwight? I thought that we would be asking this question after Dwight How-Many-Times-Can-I-Change-My-Mind-ard finally got traded.  Instead we’re asking this question because he’s injured.  Well, here’s the answer: NO.  Don’t get cutesy with it.  He is the best center in the league.  You’re telling me that the three-time defending Defensive Player of the Year wouldn’t eat up a Pacers’ frontcourt ranked 17^th in opponents’ rebounds per game and 27^th in opponents’ blocks per game?  Oh, and also give every three point shooter on the Magic 1-2 more seconds to shoot.  Have you seen the way Andrew Bynum is playing against the Nuggets?  Multiply those stats by two, throw in a bad Stan Van Gundy impression, and top it all off with a complete disregard for his teammates and you’ve got yourself Dwight Howard.  Next...


      9. Is the Thunder-Mavs matchup the best first round series? In short, YES.  Kevin Durant + Russel Westbrook + young team trying to prove themselves + Dirk Nowitzki + defending champs looking to prove something + last second buzzer beaters + combined point differential of 4 points in the first two games + series going back to Dallas = AMAZING.  Also...

      10.    WTF Happened to the Grizzlies in Game 1? They froze up.  They looked great for three quarters, and then choked.  Classic “let’s try to hold on to this lead by wasting time and throwing up bad shots at the end of the shot clock.”  They proved that they are the better team with their win in Game 2, but the Clippers stole Game 1 and do have one other thing going for them...

      11.   Chris Paul is a God: I won’t rave about how Chris Paul is the best point I have ever watched live, or how he’s like Isiah Thomas’ passing combined with Magic’s finishing and Brian Scalabrine’s swagger.  All you have to know is that he had seven assists in the fourth quarter of a game that his team came back from a 27-point deficit to win.  If this were ever the year for a “Screw LeBron! I’m not voting for him even though he’s the best because he’s a major douche/flopper/I hate him,” then I would give the MVP to Paul in a second.  I'd rank this the second most exciting series of Round 1.  Speaking of L.A. …

      12.  How seriously should we take the Lakers? Two words: Black Mamba.  Kobe plus the suddenly un-pussy Pau Gasol and the suddenly consistent Andrew Bynum is a usually a recipe for a championship, but they would have to get through OKC/Mavs in the second round, the Spurs in the West Finals, and the Heat in the Finals... all without home court.  I'm not saying they can't do it, I'm just saying they can't do it.  Finally...

      13.   What happened to cool nicknames? It doesn’t really have to do with the playoffs but remember the days when we used to talk about Chocolate Thunder, Muggsy Bogues, Cooz, Cornbread, and Piggy?  Nowadays, we only have Black Mamba (weirdly sexual), the Darantula (scary as fuck), the King (sooo original), and the God (Brian Scalabrine).  Where are all the guys named after random objects?  And hey, you whippersnappers get off my lawn!!!!!

Shout out to G-Baby Sater----> Go vote for her (THE VIKING) in MSG Varsity's Mascot Dash, seriously though... do it.

          #DJLR