Tebow Time!

Everybody’s favorite Christian is back and ready to convert some infidels (and first downs)!  After defeating the reigning AFC Champion Steelers last Sunday (overshadowing the greatest defensive performance in New York Giants history since it was legal for LT to hire teenage prostitutes), Tebow now has his sights on the No. 1 seeded Patriots today in Foxborough. 

Patriots’ fans must be dreading this game because it is a lose-lose situation for their team. Brady could throw for 500 yards, the Law Firm could run for 200 more, hell, Belichick could even crack a smile, and all it would show is that the Patriots did what they were supposed to do: beat an 8-8 team that backed into the playoffs with a quarterback who can barely complete a screen pass.  Pop open the champagne!

But if they lose, it would be the most crushing loss in Divisional Round Playoff history.  It would be the Patriots’ third straight postseason loss (second straight at home), making what would have been a season highlighted by a third straight AFC Division Title and Gronkowski going Marshawn Lynch-level-beast-mode for an entire season, a failure.  No restitution, no good to take out of it, just a big, red F. 

For this reason, I believe that Belichick and Brady will come to play.  The importance of this game both obviously (because it’s the playoffs) and psychologically (because the Patriots haven’t won a playoff game since 2008 and are playing at home) along with their performance against the Broncos in Week 15 makes me believe that the Patriots will ultimately come out on top, no matter how shaky that belief is.  

Yes, the Patriots' had the second-worst total defense in the league during the regular season, but guess who had the worst?  The Packers. Yeah, those Packers. The No. 1 seeded Packers that only lost one game this season.  Today's football is dominated by offense, and more importantly, the quarterback position, which is why I give the edge to the Patriots. 

But I do think that defense ultimately wins a team championships, more accurately, timely defense.  A team's defense either makes or breaks them in the playoffs, but the defense doesn't have to be great all the time, just in the moments that matter.  I believe that the New England defense will be able to step up against Tebow when it matters.  I think Tebow will rack up some serious yards (mostly on the ground), but the Pats' D will make an interception or cause a fumble on a pivotal drive that will change the complexion of the game.  The Patriots are projected to win by 13 ½ points, but I think it will be closer to 10 in a hard-fought game that the Pats put out of reach in the fourth. 

But the Bronco’s biggest weakness offensively is their biggest strength religiously: TEBOW.  He’s the love child of the Most Interesting Man in the World and Chuck Norris on steroids, and he is the reason why I can’t convince myself to definitively pick the Pats. 

For those of you who have doubted Tebow’s supernatural ability, there is now indisputable evidence proving that Tebow is either 1) Jesus, 2) God himelf, or 3) cyborg from the future who can travel back in time. 

Are you ready to get your mind blown by the power and glory and football prowess of Jesus Christ?

First of all, Tebow plays in the Invesco Stadium, the stadium that is closest to Heaven in the NFL (nicknamed Mile High Stadium).  Tebow’s Broncos played the Steelers in this very stadium when Tebow pulled off his miraculous comeback. 

Oh, that’s not enough for you? Just wait.

Tebow’s favorite Bible passage is John 3:16, which states:

 “3.16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

Shout-out to www.biblegateway.com, your one stop shot for all of your bible-related needs (whatever they may be… seriously they don’t judge)

This is the significance behind Tebow’s famous 3:16 written in his eye-black that he uses during games. 

Here’s where it gets weird:

In Sunday's win against the Steelers, Tebow threw for 316 yards on 10 completions, finishing with an average yard per completion of 31.6 yards.

Roethlisberger’s interception that allowed the Broncos to mount their comeback was on 3^rd and 16.

Pittsburgh’s total time of possession was 31 minutes and 6 seconds.

Someone named John (John Elway/John the Apostle) was the one who told Tebow to “pull the trigger” on the 80-yard touchdown that won the Broncos the game.

Demaryius Thomas, the target of Tebow’s 80-yard game-ending overtime touchdown pass, was born on Christmas (Jesus’ birthday for my Jews out there).

And that was only one game!&@($!*!((*)1!!!!

What’s that smell?  Wait, I think I just shit myself.

If that doesn’t convince you to convert to Christianity then write your ticket to hell now. If the Broncos win today I will officially recognize the power of Christ and beg God for forgiveness for my Jewish upbringing (no matter how delicious the Matzot Balls are).  My mind says the Patriots, but my heart says Tebow.  I guess we’ll find out soon.

Gotta give another shout-out to Mathias Lahn from Germany for giving me that info on Tebow, and Bill Simmons for supplying the site that I jacked that info off of.  Youdda best.

Also, my boy Ricky Rozzay just released a song with a Tebow reference in case anybody cares.

It’s called “F@%K EM” (Tim Tebow Remix)… enough said. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mx_otdnYRak

May Tebow be with you