Long Overdue Knicks Post

Sorry faithful bloggees, I’ve been so enveloped in the Giants’ Super Bowl run that I have neglected to comment on the abysmal state of the Knicks. 

            In my first post ever (Allow Me to Reintroduce Myself…) I talked a lot about basketball-related ish.  I made you laugh; I made you cry; I made you wonder about the mysteries of life; but I did not make you as mad as Stephen A. Smith is in this video. 

            I would post some thought-provoking analysis with a little sprinkling (by the way, how weird is that word? sprinkling...) of jokes and self-deprecation here and there, but I think the audio pretty much covers it all.

            It is, without question, the GREATEST BASKETBALL RANT I have ever heard.  Smith sounds like someone tied him up and slowly murdered a baby unicorn right in front of him.  I used a graphic analogy for a reason: HE IS THAT ANGRY!

            As a New Yorker, I respect both his analysis and his anger. 

            Enjoy…

Highlights –

Danilo Gallinari looks like the second coming of Jordan (0:50)

Carmelo and Amar’e relationship (1:30)

Dwight Howard trade (2:20)

Tyson Chandler (2:40) (best line of the whole rant is at 3:18 “that’s not where he’s supposed to beeeeeee”)

Amar’e Stoudamire (3:25)

Shot at Tebow (4:58)

Amar’e looks soft (6:00)

Knicks becoming exposed (6:50)

This ain’t Show Friends, this is Show Business (7:10)

“THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE! UNACCEPTABLE!” (7:30)

 

Shout-out to my pseudo-editor who, from this point forward, will only be referred to as EZ McShweezy

#DJLR

A Tale of Two Kickers

           The dream of any football-loving child is to some day make it to the NFL.  However, due to my pale complexion, 5 foot 9 stature, and Jewish upbringing, I was always told that I was more suited to be a kicker than a menacing pass-rusher (even though “The Merciless Mazot Ball” would be a killer nickname). 

            The disappointment soon faded as I realized the many perks to being an NFL kicker.  The average salary of an NFL kicker is $868,005. They don’t get hit. They get free VIP access to every game of the season. They don’t get hit. They get to hangout with those cool NFL guys all day. They don’t get hit. They get to the leftover bitches at the parties who never got a chance to meet the stud quarterback. Oh, and did I mention that they don’t get hit?

            And what do I have to do? Walk onto the field at most five times per game and kick a ball as far as I can. Where do I sign?

            However, the events of this weekend dragged me back down to reality and made me realize that no amount of leftover pussy could ever get me to do this job. 

The kicker is the one person on the football field whose performance is literally center-stage, yet he has so much out of his control that has to go right for him to make it.  Good snap, good catch, good hold, good spin, wind compensation, air pressure, ball pressure, humidity, Coriolis Effect, what he had for breakfast, the size of his last load, sacrifices to the Japanese Sun Goddess, Amaterasu; not to mention the fact that 11 blood-thirsty, 6 foot 3, 300 pound guys are charging at you, all trying to prevent you from making the kick. Throw in coaches trying to freeze you with timeouts and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. I’m amazed the extra point even goes through. 

But in the playoffs, the importance of the kicker is magnified, and in a win-or-go-home situation, the kicker is one of the most important people on the team. If I had to pick three people on the football team to do their job 100% right to win one game, it would be the coach, the quarterback, and the kicker. 

 Because kickers remain in relative obscurity throughout the season, they feel a mixture of yearning and dread for that one kick in the spotlight: the Nightmare Kick.  It’s the kick the kicker kicks at the pinnakick of his kickreer. It’s the kick that plagues kickers’ dreams and wakes them up with wet sheets in the middle of the night. The Nightmare Kick defines the kicker’s career, for better or for worse, and everything that he has done up to that point is irrelevant. The Nightmare Kick is on the biggest of stages: tie game, down by three, late-fourth quarter, overtime, always in playoff atmosphere, and, no matter where it is kicked from, it has to be made. However, a missed Nightmare Kick can be redeemed if the kicker makes a different Nightmare Kick later in the game, and his team wins the game.

The Nightmare Kick divides the NFL kickers into two groups: The Vinatieri’s and the Finkle’s.

The 2011-12 Championship Round of the NFL Playoffs illustrated of the two different types of kickers perfectly:

     The Vinatieri

           The Vinatieri is named after Adam Vinatieri, the man responsible for the Patriots’ two Super Bowl victories in Super Bowls XXXVI and XXXVIII. 

In SB XXXVI, Vinatieri nailed a 48-yard field goal on the final play of the game that gave the Patriots a 20-17 over the St. Louis Rams.  However, many people forget that a couple weeks earlier, Vinatieri single-footedly defeated the Oakland Raiders in the Divisional Round.  In a certifiable blizzard, Vinatieri hit a field goal with 27 seconds left in regulation to send the game into overtime, and then hit another in overtime to win it for the Pats.

Two years later, Vinatieri nailed a 41-yard field goal with 0:04 left in SB XXXVIII, lift the Patriots over the Panthers 31-29 and giving them their second Super Bowl in three years.

If Tom Brady is the Golden Boy, Vinatieri is the Golden Foot, and the Patriots should erect a statue of him in front of Gillette Stadium (or just open up a Foot Locker next to the stadium in his honor).

Vinatieri won a total of FOUR Super Bowls (two with his foot alone) over the course of his career, which is why this prestigious label is named after him. 

Lawrence Tynes hit the second Nightmare Kick of his career against the 49ers, cementing his status as a Vinatieri.  Ironically, this was Tynes’ fourth attempted Nightmare Kick.  He attempted a total of three Nightmare Kicks in the 2007 NFC Championship Game: he missed his first two during regulation, and redeemed himself by making a 47 yarder in overtime, sending his Giants to the Super Bowl and erasing his previous two missed Nightmare Kicks.  Tebow must be a big Tynes fan.

Other notable Vinatieris include:

·      Jim O’Brien (Baltimore Colts) – 1 Nightmare Kick make

o   Super Bowl V vs Cowboys

·      Matt Bahr (New York Giants) – 2 Nightmare Kick makes

o   42 yarder in the 1990 NFC Championship Game vs 49ers (he also accounted for every Giants point that game kicking an NFL playoff record FIVE field goals)

o   41 yarder in Super Bowl XXV vs the Bills

·      Richard Karlis (Denver Broncos) – 1 Nightmare Kick make

o   33 yarder in the 1986 AFC Championship Game vs the Browns that capped off John Elway’s famous 66 yard “Drive”

      The Finkle

The Finkle is named after Ray “Laces Out” Finkle from Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. If you haven’t seen it, see it. It’s Jim Carrey at his best (before he got annoying). 

In the movie, Ray Finkle is the Dolphins’ kicker who misses a potentially game winning field goal at the end of Super Bowl XVII.  The miss costs the Dolphins the Super Bowl and effectively ends Finkle’s career.  Since the miss, Finkle harbors an obsession with Dolphins’ quarterback Dan Marino.  Marino held the ball with “laces in” instead of “laces out,” which Finkle blames for his miss.

The miss defines Finkle’s career as a kicker and haunts him for the rest of his life. 

The most recent addition to the Finkle kickmunity is Billy Cundiff who missed a 32-yarder that would have sent the Ravens-Pats game into overtime.  Below is Cundiff's induction to the Finkle kickmunity:

Other notable Finkles include:

·      Mike Vanderjagt (Indianapolis Colts) – 2 ½ Nightmare Kick misses

o   49 yarder (2000 Divisional Round vs Dolphins)

o   46 yarder (2005 Divisional Round vs Steelers)

o   51 yarder (2003 Pro Bowl, which only counts as a half because the Pro Bowl is stupid)

·      Scott Norwood (Buffalo Bills)– 1 Ultra-Nightmare Kick miss

o   47 yarder (Super Bowl XXV vs the Giants)

·      Kyle Brotzman (Boise St. Broncos) – 2 Nightmare Kick misses in the same game

o   29 yarder (at the end of regulation vs Nevada)

o   26 yarder (in overtime that would’ve won the game vs Nevada)

***Brotzman’s missed kicks led to Boise State’s only loss of the season, eliminating them from contention for the BCS National Championship Game***  (that’s rough)

EXCEPTIONS

Some kickers are unlucky/lucky enough to have multiple Nightmare Kicks. 

·      Second-Tier Vinatieris: Kickers who make the majority of their Nightmare Kicks

Ex: Mark Moseley (Redskins/Browns)

·      Second-Tier Finkles: Kickers who miss the majority of their Nightmare Kicks

Ex: Doug Brien (New York Jets)

·      Finkletieris: Kickers who have the same number of Nightmare Kick makes and misses.  The “Finkletieris” are stuck in a sort of kicker limbo; nobody knows what to think of them and they are labeled freaks of kickture (alright I’ll stop).

o   The only known Finkletieri is Eddie Murray.  As a Lion, Murray missed a 43-yard Nightmare Kick in the 1983 NFC Divisional Round vs the Niners. Ten years later, Murray (now a Cowboy) made a 35-yard Nightmare Kick in an overtime thriller against the Giants. It was the final game of the 1993 season, and the kick won the Cowboys the NFC East, giving them home field advantage throughout the playoffs. 

** Kickers now refer to Murray as “he who must not be named” **

        Stay Classy San Diego

                #DJLR

The Other Brother

           Since the dawn of the new millennium, Eli has been the “baby brother.”  He was never as accurate as Peyton, never as smart as Peyton, never as outspoken as Peyton, never as handsome as Peyton, never as funny as Peyton, never as suave with the ladies as Peyton, never as Peyton as Peyton. Peyton was the Homecoming King; Peyton was Archie's favorite; and at family reunions, Peyton would put “the other brother” into headlocks and give him wedgies until Eli screamed “the Colts rule; the Giants drool!”

            Even after Eli’s Giants defeated the then-unbeaten Patriots in Super Bowl XLII, people doubted Eli’s ability. When asked in August if Eli considered himself an elite quarterback, one in the conversation with Brady, he gave an unwavering “Yes.”

NFL analysts had a field day, of which my favorite reaction was Jemele Hill who tried to defend Eli with an analogy comparing him to Khloe Kardashian… Khloe Kardashian! You know it’s bad when your supporters are drawing similarities between you and the ugly one.

            Eli was always shrouded by the tall, lanky shadow of his older brother, but with the pickup of Eli’s play and the emergence of Eli’s Giants in the 2012 Playoffs, people outside of New York are starting to take a little more notice of the “ugly sister.”

PEYTON vs. ELI

             With Peyton sidelined for the 2011-12 NFL season rehabbing a neck injury, Eli was able to evade media comparisons between his play and his brother’s. However, DJLR is doing some brother-on-brother-on-brother analysis to see who is really the better Manning RIGHT NOW:

•              ACCURACY: (last five seasons played)

o   PEYTON: Comp. Percent = 66.46%

o   ELI: Comp. Percent = 60.52%

VERDICT: Eli is good, but Peyton just doesn’t miss. I’m giving the edge to PEYTON.

•              BALL SECURITY: (last five seasons played)

o   PEYTON: 68 interceptions, 3 fumbles lost

o   ELI: 85 interceptions, 26 fumbles lost

VERDICT: Eli is notorious in New York for giving the ball away, even if over 90% of his interceptions are tipped balls (I’m making that number up, but regardless the man’s receivers tip a lot of balls). The numbers speak for themselves. Edge = PEYTON.

  SCORING: (last five seasons played)

o   PEYTON: 155 pass, 8 rush

o   ELI: 131 pass, 3 rush

VERDICT: Peyton is the Colts' only offense.  Edge goes to PEYTON

•              IN THE CLUTCH: Super Bowl Performances in the Fourth Quarter (Combined)

o   PEYTON:

§  Completions/Attempts: 14/23 (60%)

§  Passing Yards: 160

§  Yards per Attempt: 6.9

§  TD: 0

§  INT: 1

§  QBR: 62

o   ELI:

§  Completions/Attempts: 9/14 (65%)

§  Passing Yards: 152

§  Yards per Attempt: 10.9

§  TD: 2

§  INT: 0

§  QBR: 140

***Fun Fact: Eli broke the record for most TD passes thrown in the fourth quarter of a single season with 15, a record previously held by Peyton who threw 14.

VERDICT: In Peyton’s first Super Bowl he was largely bailed out by his defense late when Kelvin Hayden picked off Rex Grossman (that’s right, that Rex Grossman) and returned it 56 yards for a touchdown. Otherwise, Peyton went 0/2 with a sack and a delay of game penalty. In his second Super Bowl, Peyton’s interception came when the Colts were down 24-17 to the Saints with 3:12 left on the clock. Tracy Porter returned the interception for a touchdown, putting the Saints up 31-17 and effectively ending the Colts’ season.

Eli is the epitome of “clutch.” He led the Giants’ fourth quarter comeback against the undefeated Patriots in the greatest Super Bowl victory of all-time (I’m biased here, but it’s definitely up there). The Eli-Tyree helmet catch may have been a gift from Tebow, but his game winning drive, capped off with a TD to Plax in the corner of the end zone, was more than just divine intervention. Eli steps up when it matters, which is why the edge goes to ELI.

•              GETTING BITCHES

                                   PEYTON: Ashley Manning

                   ELI: Abby Manning

VERDICT: What the Manning brothers have in doofy-ness, their wives make up for in hotness. I can’t imagine either of them having game, but the proof is in the pictures. I’m calling it a TIE.

•              NECK

o   PEYTON: Neck surgeries: 3

o   ELI: Neck surgeries: 0 

VERDICT: Eli’s head doesn’t need super glue to stay attached to his body. Edge ELI.

•             MORE SCANDALOUS

o   PEYTON: “In 1996, while still quarterback at the University of Tennessee, Manning dropped his pants while being treated by assistant athletic trainer Jamie Ann Naughright. After an investigation, the university concluded the incident was a "mooning" gone awry, and not sexual in nature.”

(Shout-out to peytonmanningonline.blogspot.com, the one stop shop for all your online Peyton Manning-related needs)

o   ELI: “In 2001, while still quarterback at Ole Miss, Manning was late to class because he overslept. He claims that it was due to an alarm clock malfunction; however, there is no evidence to support Manning’s alibi at the current time. The NCAA is currently undergoing its investigation and the University has not yet commented on the issue.”

VERDICT: They’re both pussies, but Peyton is a slightly smaller pussy. Edge goes to PEYTON.

•              BETTER NAME

o   PEYTON: Peyton Williams Manning

o   ELI: Elisha Nelson Manning

VERDICT: There’s really no contest. “Peyton Williams Manning” is your run-of-the-mill, cattle-wrangling, “I’m from the South” name, but Elisha Nelson Manning? More people named Elisha have given lap dances than have even picked up a football.

           I can imagine an absolutely plastered Archie Manning at a New Orleans strip club with his boys right before the birth of his second child. He makes a drunken wager that he can steal a dollar out of a stripper’s G-String without her noticing, and if he can’t he has to ask the stripper her name and that will be the name of his next child. Elisha “Busty” Nelson feels a tug, turns around, slaps Archie, and the rest is history.

           Edge goes to ELISHA.

FINAL TALLY: Peyton has the advantage over Eli in the regular season stats, but Eli is the quarterback that you want to lead your offense on the fourth quarter drive with your season on the line. They both have hot wives, they’re both pussies, but Eli just edges his big brother out with his name advantage, and the fact that he doesn’t have the neck of an infant. Overall, Peyton is the man to get you to the playoffs, and Eli is the man who gets you the ring once you’re there.

Here are my picks for the Title games (I’m not giving you reasons, or stats, or in-depth analysis of previous matchups, just trust me. And if you don’t… well, my blog, my rules)

PATRIOTS:     31

RAVENS:         24

49ERS:             24

GIANTS:          27     

That’s right everybody, rematch of Super Bowl XLII. Let’s just hope that the result is the same. 

Shout-Out to my international fans (in order from least to most pageviews):

Russia (1)

Philippines (1)

Greece (1)
Mexico (1)

South Korea (2)

Germany (2)

Canada (2)
United Kingdom (2)

Israel (11)

And the winners: ***Ukraine*** (21)

So in honor of my Ukrainian believers:

Побачимось наступного вівторка

#DJLR

Playoff Personas: Jersey Shore

That’s right everyone it’s JERSday, and in honor of the Thursday-edition of DJLR, we’re doing Playoff Personas: Seaside Edition.  While the remaining four teams in the NFL playoffs may not get shwasty every night, tan until their faces fall off, or bring grenades back to the crib on the daily (although it would be fun watching Eli Manning try to pick up a girl at the club), they are very similar to the various Italian-Americans seen G.T.L-ing around Seaside Park, New Jersey.  In each Guido or Guidette there are defining characteristics of a remaining NFL team.  However, the playoff teams’ GTL does not consist of Gym, Tanning, and Laundry but rather represents a common goal: Get To Lucas-Oil-Stadium.

J-Woww

Hometown: Franklin Square, New York

Memorable Quotations:

“It’s gorilla central out there, get the f*ck up, juice-heads everywhere!”

“It’s juice-head central right now, I’m in Heaven.”

“After I have sex with a guy, I will rip their heads off.”

NFL Counterpart: The Patriots

            J-Woww and the Patriots are sexy. They make your jaw drop when you see them.  J-Woww may not be the “bring home to mom” type of girl, but the girl has undeniable sex appeal.  Similarly, the Patriots are the sexy pick to win it all because of Brady and their high scoring offense.  They can drop 45 on you and make plays that look like they're out of a video game.

J-Woww and the Patriots also have two BIG things that add to their appeal. J-Woww… well, just look at her picture.  I’ll leave the rest to you.  The Patriots have two BIG tight ends in Gronkowski and Hernandez, giving them the most formidable tight-end duo in NFL history.

Next, both J-Woww and the Patriots make up for their flaws with flash. J-Woww may not be the brightest bulb in the tanning bed, but when guys see her dancing at Karma at 3 AM, they don’t seem to mind. Likewise, the Patriots mask their 31^st ranked total defense with spectacular catches by Gronk, Hernandez lining up as a running back, and Brady throwing for five touchdown passes in a single half.

Finally, J-Woww and the Patriots are dangerous. J-Woww is just plain dangerous.  She channels her inner praying mantis by ripping a guy’s head off after sex.  The Patriots can score at any given moment, and Brady can make just about any defense look bad when he’s feeling it.  No matter the deficit, you can never count the Pats out.  You always have to be on guard when around both. 

Ronnie

Hometown: Bronx, New York City, New York

Memorable Quotations:

“The Ron-Ron Juice is the sh*t that gets the night going, I mean whenever that sh*t comes out it’s always a filthy night.”

“I’m definitely not a saint... if I probably walked through church right now I’d f*ckin’ burst into flames.”

“Yeah, we smushed.”

NFL Counterpart: The Ravens

            Ronnie and the Ravens are strong.  They’re certifiable guido-gorilla-juice-heads.  They make a living off of being big and bullying their opponents around.  Ronnie looks like an Oompa-Loompa on steroids whose favorite phrase is "Get at me, bro!"  The Ravens are one of the few teams left in the NFL who place more emphasis on winning the battle on the defensive side of the ball, and the Ravens’ defense will have to win this battle constantly if they want to make the trip to Indy. 

            Ronnie and the Ravens are also faithful.  Ronnie has been faithful to his girlfriend Sammi (with a few bumps in the road) just as the Ravens have been to their old-fashioned, run-the-ball-down-your-throat offensive game plan.  When they stray from what they know, things do no turn out well.  Last time Ronnie cheated on Sammi he hooked up with a couple of grenades.  Last time the Ravens cheated on their run-first game plan (Flacco had 38 passing attempts to Ray Rice’s 8 total carries) they lost to the Jaguars.  I honestly don’t know which is worse. 

Deena

Hometown: New Egypt, New Jersey

Memorable Quotations:

“Hestastic is when you’re super happy and like really happy.”

“They just can’t handle Team Meatball.”

“I’m a blast in a glass!”

NFL Counterpart: The 49ers

            Deena and the 49ers are the new kids on the block.  Deena replaced Angelina (aka The Dirty Hamster) after Season 2 and the 49ers made it to the NFC Title game for the first time since ‘Nam.  They both feel like they have something to prove, and they’re gonna try to make as big a splash as possible to remain out of obscurity.

            Next, Deena and the 49ers may not be the prettiest girls around, but they get the job done.  Nobody wants Deena to “Jersey Turnpike” them in the club, but if you’ve had a rough night and she's grinding up on you then you’re not gonna stop her, right?  Same with the Niners.  It isn’t usually pretty, but they get the job done and keep winning games. 

             Finally, they’re both emotional.  Whether it’s Mike calling her fat or a girl insulting her at the bar, Deena always seems to be getting into a fight about something.  She’s got an opinion and she’s going to tell it you whether you like it or not, and she’s not afraid to back down from a fight.  I alluded to Vernon “The Real Big Baby” Davis in my last post, and everyone remembers the Jim-on-Jim slugfest that almost went down after the Niners-Lions game because of Harbaugh’s enthusiastic post-game handshake.

             Emotion is a defining characteristic of each's character, and the Niners will have to transform this emotion into points if they are going to beat the Giants.

The Situation

Hometown: Staten Island, New York City, New York

Memorable Quotations:

“SHUT YOUR MOUTH YOU DIRTY LITTLE HAMSTER!”

“You need to on your tip-top game with your GTL to stay FTD to get the girls to DTF in MIA… say that 5 times fast.”

“Everybody at the Shore definitely knows The Situation. As far as I know, everybody loves The Situation, and if you don't love The Situation, I'm gonna make you love The Situation.”

NFL Counterpart: The Giants

            How can you talk about the Jersey Shore without talking about the Situation?  Both the Situation and the Giants stir up drama wherever they go.  The Situation talked shit about Ronnie, head-butted a concrete wall, and ended up in a neck-brace for a week.  The Giants just beat the reigning Super Bowl Champion and No. 1 seeded Packers on the road in the Divisional Round.  Enough said.

            The Situation and the Giants also always seem to be on the hot seat.  The Situation is on a perpetual hot seat because nobody in the house likes him, so it’s just a matter of time until he leaves, right? Well we’ve been saying that for the past three seasons and the Snitch-uation is still here.  Similarly, at the end of the season when the NFL analysts play their annual “Who’s on the hot seat?” game, Tom Coughlin is always one of the coaches talked about (and deservedly so).

            The Giants underperform during the regular season, but turn it on in the playoffs.  Rumors about Bill Cowher build until the Giants hold the Falcons’ offense scoreless in the Wild Card Round, at which point Coughlin and Perry Fewell are hailed as geniuses. 

            Finally, the Situation and the Giants both talk a lot of shit.  The Situation does it behind peoples’ backs because he doesn’t want to get hurt, but the Giants do it right in your face.  Tuck called out the Falcons’ offensive line as “dirty” before the Giants’ defensive line dismantled it two weeks ago, and JPP guaranteed a win over the Packers in the Divisional Round (even though he later backed away from that guarantee, just like the Situation would’ve done). 

Fun Fact: Mayor Bloomberg of New York City and Mayor Lee of San Francisco made a bet on the Giants-49ers game Sunday:

GIANTS WIN: Lee will send Bloomberg some famous San Fran sourdough bread and hang a Giants flag from a cable car

49ERS WIN: Bloomberg will rename the Theater District’s 49^th Street to “49ers Street” and send Lee a dozen bagels… how Jewish of him

Shout-out to A-Needelz for the fun-fact

SOPA’s got nothing on us.  #DJLR

Sleeping With The Fishes: 2012 NFL Playoffs

            Before I start this post I need to get something off my chest… G-MENNNNN!!!! But we’ll get to that later.  This weekend was full of some great football so I’m just gonna get to it.  No witty introduction, no Jesus/Tebow joke, just good old-fashioned blog-on-blog-on-blog analysis.  My blog, my rules.  The weekend’s games (more specifically the Giants-Packers game) inspired me to begin a segment that I like to call…

SLEEPING WITH THE FISHES 

(you’ll understand soon enough)

SAINTS

The weekend started off with a bang.  Candlestick Park played stage to one of the most exciting football games that I have ever had the privilege of watching. Drew Brees and the Saints' high-flying offense took on the classic rough-and-tough 49ers defense in a game for the ages.  The excitement was palpable, even from 3,000 miles away.  With four lead changes in the last four minutes it was the only game in recent memory that kept me physically glued to my seat with the fear that I was going to miss something.  It had everything you could ever want in a football game: high scoring, big hitting, and clutch performing. 

At first it seemed like the Saints were going to have their way with the 49ers, moving the ball inside the 49ers' red zone with relative ease on their first drive of the game.  But then 49ers DB Donte Whitner straight up obliterated Saints RB Pierre Thomas at the 2-yard line with one of the greatest “not-in-my-house” hits that I have ever seen.  Seriously, re-watch it.  I’m convinced that Whitner is a Dementor because once he touches Thomas, it looks like Thomas just had his soul stolen from him and he crumbles to the ground like a statue. 

           

            From that point forward the 49ers' defense was out for blood.  They were hitting Saints receivers so hard that, at times, it hurt to watch.  You know that feeling that you get when you watch someone get kicked in the balls and you instinctively grab your own balls, move backwards, and say “ooohhh.”  That’s what it was like watching the Saints get lit up by 49ers DB’s, only for the entire game (and not in the balls).  The 49ers' defense just looked faster and more physical than the Saints’ receivers, which is how they were able to cause five turnovers. 

            Finally, “the Catch III,” “the Grab,” “the Immaculate Reception (Skrillex Remix),” whatever you want to call it, was the most exciting thing that happened all season.  People forget that Smith put the Niners up with a little more than two minutes left in the fourth with a 28-yard QB bootleg to the left side that he audibled on 3rd and long.  Then with 1:36 seconds left on the clock and one time out Alex Smith (in his first playoff appearance) goes 5-5 on the last drive, moves the ball 85, and connects with Vernon “The Real Big Baby” Davis twice to win in for the Niners with 0:09 seconds left on the clock.  It was an inspirational win for a franchise that hasn’t been relevant in over a decade, and, as a Giants fan, I shudder with the thought of playing against such a complete team next weekend.

            In the playoffs, the winner of the turnover battle is usually the winner of the game.  The Saints have a great QB, great coach, and a great team, but you can’t give the ball away five times and expect to win the game.  On Saturday the 49ers were +4 on the turnover battle, which is why they are moving on to face the Giants and why the Saints are SLEEPING WITH THE FISHES! (get it now?)

BRONCOS

Alright, well I kinda allocated my time for the Broncos over to the Saints because there really isn’t much to say about the Broncos.  Tebow’s disappointment Saturday was the biggest fall from grace since Lucifer. Tom Brady had his way with the Broncos defense, throwing for a playoff-record five TD’s before halftime.  The magic of Tebow has passed, and my Jewish upbringing is safe (for the moment).  Hey Broncos, I hope you brought a pillow because tonight you’re SLEEPING WITH THE FISHES.

TEXANS

            This is a somewhat reluctant Sleeping With The Fishes because the Texans had a rookie quarter back thrust upon them late in the season with Matt Schaub’s foot-injury, and Jacoby Jones was basically playing for the Ravens.  T.J. Yates completed fewer than 50% of his passes, threw three picks, 184 yards, and had a final QBR of 28.8.

            I don’t think it’s that big of a stretch to say that if Schaub (since being traded to Houston from Atlanta: completion percent 65.3%, 264.1 YPG, and 2.5 TD:INT ratio) didn’t get injured, the Texans would have won that game, I dare say, handily.  The Texans defense held the Ravens to 20 points, 17 of which came in the 1^st quarter, and they still almost won.

The Ravens defense did look good, but they didn’t look like the punishing defense that they have been in the past.  Foster was only the second RB to rush for over 100 yards against them all year, but the Ravens did a good job of making it clear that if the Texans were going to beat them, it was going to be with the arm of T.J. Yates.  Ultimately, the Ravens made defensive plays when they mattered the most, and won the turnover battle (+4), which was the Texans’ undoing.

The Texans are my pick to win the AFC next year (if they can stay healthy), which is why I wave a somber farewell to the Texans who are now SLEEPING WITH THE FISHES.

PACKERS

Finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for.  The G-MENNNNNNN (insert Chris Berman voice here). First, can we agree that #DiscountDoubleChoke is the greatest hash tag of the digital age?  Classic. The Giants went into Lambeau on Sunday and humiliated the Packers at home, making analysts draw even more comparisons to the ’07 Super Bowl Champions and this year’s Giants.  Déjà Blue.

Eli Manning silenced his critics and proved that he is an elite, or more accurately ELIte, quarterback yesterday by picking apart a weak Green Bay secondary and leading the Giants to victory.  He threw for over 300 yards for the first time in his playoff career (I am still stunned by the fact that he was a 300 yard virgin) and showed that if you give the man time, he will make you pay.  Hakeem Nicks continued to shine, racking up seven receptions for 165 yards and two touchdowns. 

But the Giants’ defense is what stood out the most.  Their offense was expected to move the ball against a team ranked last in total defense during the regular season, but their defense was not supposed to stop an offense that scored the second most points ever in a single season (ironically, the 2007 Patriots hold the record for most points ever in a single season and guess who handed them their only loss of the year in Super Bowl XLII? That’s right, the Giants). They caused four turnovers (really five because Greg Jennings’ knee was NOT down) against a Packers offense that is just greedy with the football with more wins (15) than turnovers (14) during the regular season.  I’m telling you, whoever wins the turnover battle wins the game.

Now I don’t want to completely bore you with how good the Giants’ defense was, because I could go on all day, but it was more than just offensive “rust” on the part of Aaron Rodgers and the Pack that held their offense to only 20 point in this game. 

“Rust” often creates a lack of rhythm and timing, which is why “rusty” teams look bad.  But the Giants’ defense, with its menacing pass-rush and blitz packages, is predicated upon throwing off this very rhythm.  It’s no coincidence that the Giants held Falcons’ offense scoreless and Green Bay’s offense to 20 points below its season average at home in consecutive weeks.  The Giants’ defense makes the opposing offense look out of sync, and there is little reason to believe that Perry Fewell won’t pick up on the Niners’ offensive rhythm and stop Alex Smith next weekend at Candlestick. 

 But for now, we bid a heartfelt farewell to Aaron Rodgers and the Pack.  I hope you guys like sushi because tonight you’re SLEEPING WITH THE FISHES!

Shout-out to everyone who’s tweeting, retweeting, hashtagging, status-ing, and anything else that’ll get the word out there about Davy Jones’ Locker Room.

Specifically: Adam Pollack/Needelman, Eddie Sigman, Ma, Pa, and da Sis (Kasey). Keep it up.

                                                        #DJLR

Tebow Time!

Everybody’s favorite Christian is back and ready to convert some infidels (and first downs)!  After defeating the reigning AFC Champion Steelers last Sunday (overshadowing the greatest defensive performance in New York Giants history since it was legal for LT to hire teenage prostitutes), Tebow now has his sights on the No. 1 seeded Patriots today in Foxborough. 

Patriots’ fans must be dreading this game because it is a lose-lose situation for their team. Brady could throw for 500 yards, the Law Firm could run for 200 more, hell, Belichick could even crack a smile, and all it would show is that the Patriots did what they were supposed to do: beat an 8-8 team that backed into the playoffs with a quarterback who can barely complete a screen pass.  Pop open the champagne!

But if they lose, it would be the most crushing loss in Divisional Round Playoff history.  It would be the Patriots’ third straight postseason loss (second straight at home), making what would have been a season highlighted by a third straight AFC Division Title and Gronkowski going Marshawn Lynch-level-beast-mode for an entire season, a failure.  No restitution, no good to take out of it, just a big, red F. 

For this reason, I believe that Belichick and Brady will come to play.  The importance of this game both obviously (because it’s the playoffs) and psychologically (because the Patriots haven’t won a playoff game since 2008 and are playing at home) along with their performance against the Broncos in Week 15 makes me believe that the Patriots will ultimately come out on top, no matter how shaky that belief is.  

Yes, the Patriots' had the second-worst total defense in the league during the regular season, but guess who had the worst?  The Packers. Yeah, those Packers. The No. 1 seeded Packers that only lost one game this season.  Today's football is dominated by offense, and more importantly, the quarterback position, which is why I give the edge to the Patriots. 

But I do think that defense ultimately wins a team championships, more accurately, timely defense.  A team's defense either makes or breaks them in the playoffs, but the defense doesn't have to be great all the time, just in the moments that matter.  I believe that the New England defense will be able to step up against Tebow when it matters.  I think Tebow will rack up some serious yards (mostly on the ground), but the Pats' D will make an interception or cause a fumble on a pivotal drive that will change the complexion of the game.  The Patriots are projected to win by 13 ½ points, but I think it will be closer to 10 in a hard-fought game that the Pats put out of reach in the fourth. 

But the Bronco’s biggest weakness offensively is their biggest strength religiously: TEBOW.  He’s the love child of the Most Interesting Man in the World and Chuck Norris on steroids, and he is the reason why I can’t convince myself to definitively pick the Pats. 

For those of you who have doubted Tebow’s supernatural ability, there is now indisputable evidence proving that Tebow is either 1) Jesus, 2) God himelf, or 3) cyborg from the future who can travel back in time. 

Are you ready to get your mind blown by the power and glory and football prowess of Jesus Christ?

First of all, Tebow plays in the Invesco Stadium, the stadium that is closest to Heaven in the NFL (nicknamed Mile High Stadium).  Tebow’s Broncos played the Steelers in this very stadium when Tebow pulled off his miraculous comeback. 

Oh, that’s not enough for you? Just wait.

Tebow’s favorite Bible passage is John 3:16, which states:

 “3.16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

Shout-out to www.biblegateway.com, your one stop shot for all of your bible-related needs (whatever they may be… seriously they don’t judge)

This is the significance behind Tebow’s famous 3:16 written in his eye-black that he uses during games. 

Here’s where it gets weird:

In Sunday's win against the Steelers, Tebow threw for 316 yards on 10 completions, finishing with an average yard per completion of 31.6 yards.

Roethlisberger’s interception that allowed the Broncos to mount their comeback was on 3^rd and 16.

Pittsburgh’s total time of possession was 31 minutes and 6 seconds.

Someone named John (John Elway/John the Apostle) was the one who told Tebow to “pull the trigger” on the 80-yard touchdown that won the Broncos the game.

Demaryius Thomas, the target of Tebow’s 80-yard game-ending overtime touchdown pass, was born on Christmas (Jesus’ birthday for my Jews out there).

And that was only one game!&@($!*!((*)1!!!!

What’s that smell?  Wait, I think I just shit myself.

If that doesn’t convince you to convert to Christianity then write your ticket to hell now. If the Broncos win today I will officially recognize the power of Christ and beg God for forgiveness for my Jewish upbringing (no matter how delicious the Matzot Balls are).  My mind says the Patriots, but my heart says Tebow.  I guess we’ll find out soon.

Gotta give another shout-out to Mathias Lahn from Germany for giving me that info on Tebow, and Bill Simmons for supplying the site that I jacked that info off of.  Youdda best.

Also, my boy Ricky Rozzay just released a song with a Tebow reference in case anybody cares.

It’s called “F@%K EM” (Tim Tebow Remix)… enough said. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mx_otdnYRak

May Tebow be with you