The Other Brother

           Since the dawn of the new millennium, Eli has been the “baby brother.”  He was never as accurate as Peyton, never as smart as Peyton, never as outspoken as Peyton, never as handsome as Peyton, never as funny as Peyton, never as suave with the ladies as Peyton, never as Peyton as Peyton. Peyton was the Homecoming King; Peyton was Archie's favorite; and at family reunions, Peyton would put “the other brother” into headlocks and give him wedgies until Eli screamed “the Colts rule; the Giants drool!”

            Even after Eli’s Giants defeated the then-unbeaten Patriots in Super Bowl XLII, people doubted Eli’s ability. When asked in August if Eli considered himself an elite quarterback, one in the conversation with Brady, he gave an unwavering “Yes.”

NFL analysts had a field day, of which my favorite reaction was Jemele Hill who tried to defend Eli with an analogy comparing him to Khloe Kardashian… Khloe Kardashian! You know it’s bad when your supporters are drawing similarities between you and the ugly one.

            Eli was always shrouded by the tall, lanky shadow of his older brother, but with the pickup of Eli’s play and the emergence of Eli’s Giants in the 2012 Playoffs, people outside of New York are starting to take a little more notice of the “ugly sister.”

PEYTON vs. ELI

             With Peyton sidelined for the 2011-12 NFL season rehabbing a neck injury, Eli was able to evade media comparisons between his play and his brother’s. However, DJLR is doing some brother-on-brother-on-brother analysis to see who is really the better Manning RIGHT NOW:

•              ACCURACY: (last five seasons played)

o   PEYTON: Comp. Percent = 66.46%

o   ELI: Comp. Percent = 60.52%

VERDICT: Eli is good, but Peyton just doesn’t miss. I’m giving the edge to PEYTON.

•              BALL SECURITY: (last five seasons played)

o   PEYTON: 68 interceptions, 3 fumbles lost

o   ELI: 85 interceptions, 26 fumbles lost

VERDICT: Eli is notorious in New York for giving the ball away, even if over 90% of his interceptions are tipped balls (I’m making that number up, but regardless the man’s receivers tip a lot of balls). The numbers speak for themselves. Edge = PEYTON.

  SCORING: (last five seasons played)

o   PEYTON: 155 pass, 8 rush

o   ELI: 131 pass, 3 rush

VERDICT: Peyton is the Colts' only offense.  Edge goes to PEYTON

•              IN THE CLUTCH: Super Bowl Performances in the Fourth Quarter (Combined)

o   PEYTON:

§  Completions/Attempts: 14/23 (60%)

§  Passing Yards: 160

§  Yards per Attempt: 6.9

§  TD: 0

§  INT: 1

§  QBR: 62

o   ELI:

§  Completions/Attempts: 9/14 (65%)

§  Passing Yards: 152

§  Yards per Attempt: 10.9

§  TD: 2

§  INT: 0

§  QBR: 140

***Fun Fact: Eli broke the record for most TD passes thrown in the fourth quarter of a single season with 15, a record previously held by Peyton who threw 14.

VERDICT: In Peyton’s first Super Bowl he was largely bailed out by his defense late when Kelvin Hayden picked off Rex Grossman (that’s right, that Rex Grossman) and returned it 56 yards for a touchdown. Otherwise, Peyton went 0/2 with a sack and a delay of game penalty. In his second Super Bowl, Peyton’s interception came when the Colts were down 24-17 to the Saints with 3:12 left on the clock. Tracy Porter returned the interception for a touchdown, putting the Saints up 31-17 and effectively ending the Colts’ season.

Eli is the epitome of “clutch.” He led the Giants’ fourth quarter comeback against the undefeated Patriots in the greatest Super Bowl victory of all-time (I’m biased here, but it’s definitely up there). The Eli-Tyree helmet catch may have been a gift from Tebow, but his game winning drive, capped off with a TD to Plax in the corner of the end zone, was more than just divine intervention. Eli steps up when it matters, which is why the edge goes to ELI.

•              GETTING BITCHES

                                   PEYTON: Ashley Manning

                   ELI: Abby Manning

VERDICT: What the Manning brothers have in doofy-ness, their wives make up for in hotness. I can’t imagine either of them having game, but the proof is in the pictures. I’m calling it a TIE.

•              NECK

o   PEYTON: Neck surgeries: 3

o   ELI: Neck surgeries: 0 

VERDICT: Eli’s head doesn’t need super glue to stay attached to his body. Edge ELI.

•             MORE SCANDALOUS

o   PEYTON: “In 1996, while still quarterback at the University of Tennessee, Manning dropped his pants while being treated by assistant athletic trainer Jamie Ann Naughright. After an investigation, the university concluded the incident was a "mooning" gone awry, and not sexual in nature.”

(Shout-out to peytonmanningonline.blogspot.com, the one stop shop for all your online Peyton Manning-related needs)

o   ELI: “In 2001, while still quarterback at Ole Miss, Manning was late to class because he overslept. He claims that it was due to an alarm clock malfunction; however, there is no evidence to support Manning’s alibi at the current time. The NCAA is currently undergoing its investigation and the University has not yet commented on the issue.”

VERDICT: They’re both pussies, but Peyton is a slightly smaller pussy. Edge goes to PEYTON.

•              BETTER NAME

o   PEYTON: Peyton Williams Manning

o   ELI: Elisha Nelson Manning

VERDICT: There’s really no contest. “Peyton Williams Manning” is your run-of-the-mill, cattle-wrangling, “I’m from the South” name, but Elisha Nelson Manning? More people named Elisha have given lap dances than have even picked up a football.

           I can imagine an absolutely plastered Archie Manning at a New Orleans strip club with his boys right before the birth of his second child. He makes a drunken wager that he can steal a dollar out of a stripper’s G-String without her noticing, and if he can’t he has to ask the stripper her name and that will be the name of his next child. Elisha “Busty” Nelson feels a tug, turns around, slaps Archie, and the rest is history.

           Edge goes to ELISHA.

FINAL TALLY: Peyton has the advantage over Eli in the regular season stats, but Eli is the quarterback that you want to lead your offense on the fourth quarter drive with your season on the line. They both have hot wives, they’re both pussies, but Eli just edges his big brother out with his name advantage, and the fact that he doesn’t have the neck of an infant. Overall, Peyton is the man to get you to the playoffs, and Eli is the man who gets you the ring once you’re there.

Here are my picks for the Title games (I’m not giving you reasons, or stats, or in-depth analysis of previous matchups, just trust me. And if you don’t… well, my blog, my rules)

PATRIOTS:     31

RAVENS:         24

49ERS:             24

GIANTS:          27     

That’s right everybody, rematch of Super Bowl XLII. Let’s just hope that the result is the same. 

Shout-Out to my international fans (in order from least to most pageviews):

Russia (1)

Philippines (1)

Greece (1)
Mexico (1)

South Korea (2)

Germany (2)

Canada (2)
United Kingdom (2)

Israel (11)

And the winners: ***Ukraine*** (21)

So in honor of my Ukrainian believers:

Побачимось наступного вівторка

#DJLR