Playoff Personas: Jersey Shore

That’s right everyone it’s JERSday, and in honor of the Thursday-edition of DJLR, we’re doing Playoff Personas: Seaside Edition.  While the remaining four teams in the NFL playoffs may not get shwasty every night, tan until their faces fall off, or bring grenades back to the crib on the daily (although it would be fun watching Eli Manning try to pick up a girl at the club), they are very similar to the various Italian-Americans seen G.T.L-ing around Seaside Park, New Jersey.  In each Guido or Guidette there are defining characteristics of a remaining NFL team.  However, the playoff teams’ GTL does not consist of Gym, Tanning, and Laundry but rather represents a common goal: Get To Lucas-Oil-Stadium.

J-Woww

Hometown: Franklin Square, New York

Memorable Quotations:

“It’s gorilla central out there, get the f*ck up, juice-heads everywhere!”

“It’s juice-head central right now, I’m in Heaven.”

“After I have sex with a guy, I will rip their heads off.”

NFL Counterpart: The Patriots

            J-Woww and the Patriots are sexy. They make your jaw drop when you see them.  J-Woww may not be the “bring home to mom” type of girl, but the girl has undeniable sex appeal.  Similarly, the Patriots are the sexy pick to win it all because of Brady and their high scoring offense.  They can drop 45 on you and make plays that look like they're out of a video game.

J-Woww and the Patriots also have two BIG things that add to their appeal. J-Woww… well, just look at her picture.  I’ll leave the rest to you.  The Patriots have two BIG tight ends in Gronkowski and Hernandez, giving them the most formidable tight-end duo in NFL history.

Next, both J-Woww and the Patriots make up for their flaws with flash. J-Woww may not be the brightest bulb in the tanning bed, but when guys see her dancing at Karma at 3 AM, they don’t seem to mind. Likewise, the Patriots mask their 31^st ranked total defense with spectacular catches by Gronk, Hernandez lining up as a running back, and Brady throwing for five touchdown passes in a single half.

Finally, J-Woww and the Patriots are dangerous. J-Woww is just plain dangerous.  She channels her inner praying mantis by ripping a guy’s head off after sex.  The Patriots can score at any given moment, and Brady can make just about any defense look bad when he’s feeling it.  No matter the deficit, you can never count the Pats out.  You always have to be on guard when around both. 

Ronnie

Hometown: Bronx, New York City, New York

Memorable Quotations:

“The Ron-Ron Juice is the sh*t that gets the night going, I mean whenever that sh*t comes out it’s always a filthy night.”

“I’m definitely not a saint... if I probably walked through church right now I’d f*ckin’ burst into flames.”

“Yeah, we smushed.”

NFL Counterpart: The Ravens

            Ronnie and the Ravens are strong.  They’re certifiable guido-gorilla-juice-heads.  They make a living off of being big and bullying their opponents around.  Ronnie looks like an Oompa-Loompa on steroids whose favorite phrase is "Get at me, bro!"  The Ravens are one of the few teams left in the NFL who place more emphasis on winning the battle on the defensive side of the ball, and the Ravens’ defense will have to win this battle constantly if they want to make the trip to Indy. 

            Ronnie and the Ravens are also faithful.  Ronnie has been faithful to his girlfriend Sammi (with a few bumps in the road) just as the Ravens have been to their old-fashioned, run-the-ball-down-your-throat offensive game plan.  When they stray from what they know, things do no turn out well.  Last time Ronnie cheated on Sammi he hooked up with a couple of grenades.  Last time the Ravens cheated on their run-first game plan (Flacco had 38 passing attempts to Ray Rice’s 8 total carries) they lost to the Jaguars.  I honestly don’t know which is worse. 

Deena

Hometown: New Egypt, New Jersey

Memorable Quotations:

“Hestastic is when you’re super happy and like really happy.”

“They just can’t handle Team Meatball.”

“I’m a blast in a glass!”

NFL Counterpart: The 49ers

            Deena and the 49ers are the new kids on the block.  Deena replaced Angelina (aka The Dirty Hamster) after Season 2 and the 49ers made it to the NFC Title game for the first time since ‘Nam.  They both feel like they have something to prove, and they’re gonna try to make as big a splash as possible to remain out of obscurity.

            Next, Deena and the 49ers may not be the prettiest girls around, but they get the job done.  Nobody wants Deena to “Jersey Turnpike” them in the club, but if you’ve had a rough night and she's grinding up on you then you’re not gonna stop her, right?  Same with the Niners.  It isn’t usually pretty, but they get the job done and keep winning games. 

             Finally, they’re both emotional.  Whether it’s Mike calling her fat or a girl insulting her at the bar, Deena always seems to be getting into a fight about something.  She’s got an opinion and she’s going to tell it you whether you like it or not, and she’s not afraid to back down from a fight.  I alluded to Vernon “The Real Big Baby” Davis in my last post, and everyone remembers the Jim-on-Jim slugfest that almost went down after the Niners-Lions game because of Harbaugh’s enthusiastic post-game handshake.

             Emotion is a defining characteristic of each's character, and the Niners will have to transform this emotion into points if they are going to beat the Giants.

The Situation

Hometown: Staten Island, New York City, New York

Memorable Quotations:

“SHUT YOUR MOUTH YOU DIRTY LITTLE HAMSTER!”

“You need to on your tip-top game with your GTL to stay FTD to get the girls to DTF in MIA… say that 5 times fast.”

“Everybody at the Shore definitely knows The Situation. As far as I know, everybody loves The Situation, and if you don't love The Situation, I'm gonna make you love The Situation.”

NFL Counterpart: The Giants

            How can you talk about the Jersey Shore without talking about the Situation?  Both the Situation and the Giants stir up drama wherever they go.  The Situation talked shit about Ronnie, head-butted a concrete wall, and ended up in a neck-brace for a week.  The Giants just beat the reigning Super Bowl Champion and No. 1 seeded Packers on the road in the Divisional Round.  Enough said.

            The Situation and the Giants also always seem to be on the hot seat.  The Situation is on a perpetual hot seat because nobody in the house likes him, so it’s just a matter of time until he leaves, right? Well we’ve been saying that for the past three seasons and the Snitch-uation is still here.  Similarly, at the end of the season when the NFL analysts play their annual “Who’s on the hot seat?” game, Tom Coughlin is always one of the coaches talked about (and deservedly so).

            The Giants underperform during the regular season, but turn it on in the playoffs.  Rumors about Bill Cowher build until the Giants hold the Falcons’ offense scoreless in the Wild Card Round, at which point Coughlin and Perry Fewell are hailed as geniuses. 

            Finally, the Situation and the Giants both talk a lot of shit.  The Situation does it behind peoples’ backs because he doesn’t want to get hurt, but the Giants do it right in your face.  Tuck called out the Falcons’ offensive line as “dirty” before the Giants’ defensive line dismantled it two weeks ago, and JPP guaranteed a win over the Packers in the Divisional Round (even though he later backed away from that guarantee, just like the Situation would’ve done). 

Fun Fact: Mayor Bloomberg of New York City and Mayor Lee of San Francisco made a bet on the Giants-49ers game Sunday:

GIANTS WIN: Lee will send Bloomberg some famous San Fran sourdough bread and hang a Giants flag from a cable car

49ERS WIN: Bloomberg will rename the Theater District’s 49^th Street to “49ers Street” and send Lee a dozen bagels… how Jewish of him

Shout-out to A-Needelz for the fun-fact

SOPA’s got nothing on us.  #DJLR