Enough with the blitzes and cover twos, the I-formation and
the shotgun, the play-action and the bootleg. Blah, blah, blah. We’ve heard them scrutinize Auburn and
Florida State using X’s and O’s for too long. Now, let’s finally get down to
what really matters – this is the REAL BCS National Championship breakdown…
1.
Mascot
The signature mascot matchup pits
Auburn’s ferociously lovable Aubie the Tiger against Florida State’s questionably
racist Osceola and Renegade. A champion horse-rider
at the Seminole-ympics, Osceola wields a feathered spear painted garnet by the
blood of his opponents. His trusty steed,
Renegade, spends his days grazing on the scalps of the duo’s fallen adversaries
and practicing its battle “nayyy.” That’s
all well and good, but Aubie is a tiger. Let me repeat that. Aubie is a TIGER. Tigers
aren’t docile little cats that yell “grrrrreat!” and only want to provide us
with a perfectly balanced breakfast. Look past the soft white fur and cute
wittle whiskers and you’ll see a 300-pound killer. In the real world, we are a
tiger’s perfectly balanced breakfast. Edge: Auburn.
2.
Female Fan made famous by Brent Musberger
Every girl has felt violated by
the prying eyes of a creepy older guy at one time or another. These experiences
are relatively commonplace on subways, buses, and pretty much everywhere in New
Jersey, not during a nationally televised football game. Yet sportscaster Brent
Musburger managed to accomplish this feat twice on-air, once to Auburn’s
Katherine Webb and again to FSU’s Jenn Sterger. During the 2012 BCS National
Championship Game, Musburger spent over 30 seconds of prime-time television
ogling over Webb, former Miss Alabama and quarterback A.J. McCarron’s
girlfriend. Seven years earlier, cameras
zoomed in on FSU student Jenn Sterger in the stands of a Miami-FSU game, and
Musburger nearly fainted. Both fans
aren’t the worst looking women in the world, but Brett Favre’s dick pics put
Sterger in front by a head. Edge: FSU.
3.
Two-sport athlete
The Best Two-Sport Athlete
category features a heavyweight matchup between Auburn’s Bo Jackson and FSU’s
Deion Sanders. The first player to ever play in the Pro Bowl and the MLB All
Star Game, Jackson hit 141 homeruns as the Kansas City Royals’ outfielder while
rushing for over 2,000 yards out of the Los Angeles Raiders’ backfield. Oh, and did I mention he won the Heisman? Sanders’
numbers are nothing to scoff at either: 53 career interceptions, 186 stolen
bases, two Super Bowl Rings, a World Series appearance, and the only player
ever to hit a homerun and score a touchdown in the same week. Both are legends in their own right, but
Jackson’s individual accomplishments trump Sanders’ championship presence.
Edge: Auburn.
4. WWE Diva
In this corner, representing
Auburn University, we have The Diamond Doll, The Booty Babe herself, Kimberly Paaaaage. And in this corner, wearing the garnet and
gold miniskirt for Florida State University, we have the 2008 WWE Diva Champion,
the Jesus Christ Suplex Star, the Not-So-Virgin Mary, Michelle McCoooooool. Now
let’s get ready to RUMMMMBLE!!! Ding, ding, ding. Page starts by trying to put
McCool in a headlock, but the power of Christ compels her. McCool counters with a Russian Leg Sweep,
knocking Page off her guard and dazing her. And what’s this? It’s McCool’s signature finishing move: the
Faith-Breaker! Ooohhh, Page is down for
the count and contemplating the meaning of her existence. The victory goes
McCool and FSU!!!
5.
Catchiest Song
FSU sends in Yellowcard’s “Ocean
Avenue” to rhyme it out against Auburn-alum Elmo Shropshire’s “Grandma Got Run
Over By a Reindeer.” FSU’s Yellowcard
lead singer/guitarist, Ryan Key, wrote the band’s one-hit wonder in 2003, never
dreaming that it would become the early-2000 bar mitzvah favorite that it was ten
years ago. Looking at Auburn: first of
all, love the name Elmo Shropshire – sounds like a Sesame Street character
crossed with a Hobbit. Moving on to the song, I don’t know what kind of sick,
Christmas-themed things Elmo’s grandma must have done to prompt her grandson to
write a song entitled “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer,” but regardless, the
song is a holiday staple and even inspired the creation of an animated movie. Both songs are pretty catchy, but the
animated movie and the name “Elmo Shropshire” give Auburn the nod. Edge: Auburn.
6.
Sports Personality
Auburn’s decides to roll with NBA
Hall of Famer and TNT Analyst, Charles Barkely, to duke it out against FSU’s
College Game Day sweetheart, Lee Corso. In terms of experience, FSU definitely has the
upper hand. Corso is shadily old, his parents having given birth to him during
the Great Depression in 1935. However,
the 78-year old has been able to maintain his enthusiasm by staying hopped up
on Mountain Dew and Cialis since the turn of the millennium. Yet Barkely is
unmatched in the sports world. The Golf Channel show teaching him how to swing
a golf club and his bashing on Shaq at half times makes Barkley a staple in
off-the field sports entertainment that no amount of wacky headgear can
overshadow. Edge: Auburn.
7.
Music Legend
For the Music Legend matchup,
we’re grooving our way in time to the 1960’s.
FSU’s Jim Morrison broke into the musical world as the
Nietzsche-philosophizing lyricist of The Doors while Auburn’s Lionel Richie made
his soulful debut alongside Diana Ross in the R&B group, The
Commodores. An alleged heroin overdose
cut Morrison’s promising career short; however, his profound lyrics and
inimitable stage presence forever changed rock music. While Richie continues to
have successful career, Morrison is a rock god. Break on Through: FSU.
8.
War Chant
Everybody knows that a school
isn’t worth rooting for unless it has a sweet war chant, but luckily, Auburn
and FSU excel in this category. FSU’s “massacre” melody mimics a Native
American sorrow song that, as legend has it, was first heard after thousands of
Native Americans were murdered by the United States. Add the
signature Seminole Chop to this
haunting melody, and you’ve got yourself a wholly insensitive yet chilling
war chant. Although fun to say, Auburn’s “WAR EAGLE” has a less fun story
behind it. The story goes that a Confederate soldier and a wounded eagle became
BFFLs during the Civil War and the eagle flew around Auburn’s football stadium
when the two returned to Auburn after the war. Auburn’s chant is rooted in
friendship while FSU’s is rooted in murder. If I’m choosing a war chant, I’m
going with the latter even if it’s politically incorrect. Edge: FSU.
9.
Recent Heisman Winner
Auburn’s Cam Newton squares off
against FSU’s Jameis Winston in the deciding category of what has shaped up to
be a historic matchup. In his 2010 Heisman campaign, Newton totaled 2,874 yards
and 30 touchdowns through the air and 1,473 yards and 20 scores on the ground. This
season, Winston trumped Newton’s numbers in the passing game (3,820 yards and
38 touchdowns) but simply wasn’t in the same league as Newton in terms of
rushing (193 yards and 4 touchdowns).
Comparing each player’s competition: Newton beat out Stanford
quarterback Andrew Luck who finished his sophomore season with 3338 passing
yards and 32 touchdowns. Winston’s
runner-up, on the other hand, Boston College running back Andre Williams who ran
for 2102 yards and 17 touchdowns (three less than Newton). Both players had
phenomenal seasons, but Newton’s numbers are downright stupid and he won the
award against stiffer competition. Edge:
Auburn.
10. Recap:
The final tally:
Auburn – 5
Florida State – 4
And that’s the way the cookie
crumbles. Call your bookies now because when analyzing what truly separates
these two teams, we see that Auburn will be crowned this year’s BCS National
Champion. Still, you better watch anyway to make sure.
#DJLR
