Leap Year Day

            That’s right everyone, it’s that time every four years again… JA RULE’S BIRTHDAY! (aka Leap Year Day).  He turns nine today!  How precious!  The day has lost its luster just a bit since Ja became the youngest person ever to go jail for gun possession and tax evasion, but DJLR sent him a Big Wheel so hopefully that will cheer him up. 

Anyway, back to February 29^th.  Before I start talking about sports and junk I just have something to get off of my chest.  Why is it that all of the other months are such assholes to February?  Seven months have 31 days, four months have 30 days, and February, the runt of the litter, has 28 and SOMETIMES 29!!!!  

Seriously, other months?  You couldn’t spare maybe one of your precious days so that starving February over here could enjoy some extra time?  It’s like February is the middle child that none of the other months like so they made it the shortest and hoped people forgot about him.  Then, when people started questioning why February was being kept in the closet, the other months banded together and formulated a plan to make it look like February is important. 

They stuck a fucking groundhog spectacular at the beginning of the month, put a week in the middle to honor dead presidents, and then tagged on an extra day every four years so that the world could be like “oh my God, look how cool February is with its extra day! Its soooo lucky, none of the other months have that!”  Yeah, all of the other months have that because they all have at least 30 days all the time.  Stand up for yourself February; you deserve it.  #FREEFEBRUARY

I can’t believe I just devoted three solid paragraphs to defending a month, but I guess that’s what happens when you write a blog and really don’t want to study for an econ quiz. 

Back to sports.  In honor of LEAP YEAR DAY DJLR is doing some blog-on-blog-on-blog analysis on the best thing that happens every four years:

                                      THE OLYMPICS

When I say “the Olympics” I obviously mean basketball in the Olympics because nobody cares about anything else, and if they do they don’t admit to it, and if they admit to it then they probably listen to Nickelback, and if they listen to Nickelback then you should probably find a new friend. 

I promise that was the last digression!  BASKETBALL. OLYMIPCS. WHO’S ON THE TEAM?

All 20 of the contenders are vying for 12 spots, but in reality there are only 8 spots available because LeBron, Kobe, Dwight, and Durant are LeBron, Kobe, Dwight, and Durant. 

That leaves 8 spots for 16 players.  Do the math and that means that half of these guys are going to be cut.

POINT GUARDS:

The Point Guard position is stacked this year with Rose, Paul, Westbrook, and Williams.  I’d say Coach K is going to bring two point guards so that they will get relatively equal playing (depending on the circumstances) and satisfy both of their egos.

WINNERS:

§  Chris Paul: I should’ve put Paul in the “LOCKS” category, but I forgot, so as an apology I’m explaining why he’s a lock. Paul is one of the best passers of all-time. They call L.A. Lob City for a reason.  He makes the players around him better and he can create his own shot when he needs to.  Remember when he single-handedly beat the Lakers in Games 1 and 4 of last year’s first round in the West?  As Stephen A. Smith would say, “the kid can ball.”

§  Derrick Rose:  Rose is a lock also, just not a LOCK.  Coming off his MVP season last year (the youngest MVP ever) Rose is averaging 22.2 PPG and 7.7 APG.  He is the leader of one of the two best teams in the Eastern Conference, and he is the lifeblood of that team’s offense.  Without Rose, Carlos Boozer can’t even roll out of bed, let alone run an effective pick and roll and the Bulls are a .500 team.  He is the epitome of a team player, and his ability to drive makes him a great fit for Coach K’s offense. 

The Runners-Up:

§  I’m not going to spend a lot of time on the losers, but Westbrook has too big of an ego, needs to work on his jump shot, and is reckless with the ball.  Williams is really good, just not good enough to make the cut here.  Maybe next year, kiddo. 

SHOOTING GUARDS:

 

Kobe is already a lock, so that just leaves the second team number two spot. 

§  Dwyane Wade: This one is a no brainer. Wade is probably an all around better shooting guard than Kobe right now, BUT this is probably Kobe’s last Olympics (veteran/reputation factor), and Kobe has put up better numbers the past two seasons with LeBron and Bosh going to the Heat and stealing some of Wade's stats.  Kobe will get the start, but Wade will definitely get playing time.

FORWARDS:

The forwards are a little tricky because some of them can play either forward position.  We already have LeBron and Durant, but the next two are tricky.

§  Kevin Love: Love is the best power forward in the league. Period.  Anybody who doubts that spends too much time watching Blake Griffin monster dunk highlights on SportsCenter and not enough time watching actual games.  Love is the best rebounder in the league, and he can hit threes.  He’s a threat on so many levels that it’s hard to believe that he may not be starting. 

§  Melo?:  It pains me to say it as a Knicks fan but Melo might have his spot taken by Andre Igoudala or Rudy Gay if he doesn’t pick his play up.  He is struggling from the field this season (his FG% this season is 6 points lower than his career average 45.6%) and he is taking wayyyy too many shots.  He also has a notorious possible Patrick Ewing Effect on his Knicks, which makes you wonder if he will ever win with a team and not just shine alone.  With that said, Melo is still one of the best isolation players in the league and when he does (hopefully) get out of his slump he will be a lock again. 

CENTERS:

Dwight is a no-brainer.  No wimpy European is ever going to be able to guard our big man.

§  LaMarcus Aldrige: The second center is a toss-up.  It could realistically be LaMarcus Aldrige or Chris Bosh, but I’m picking Aldrige for a couple of reasons:

      1.)   I hate Bosh

      2.)   Aldrige is bigger, plays better defense, and has a better inside game.

      3.)   I HATE BOSH

RESERVES:

§  Deron Williams: REDEMPTION! The team could use his experience and backcourt abilities.  He gives the point guard position another element and his international experience could be a real help during the Olympics.  He really strengthens the team's backcourt also.

§  Tyson Chandler: I might be biased because I’m a Knicks fan and I LOVE Tyson, but he has veteran experience and leadership that is important during the Olympics.  He also has size and defensive ability if Dwight gets in foul trouble, and the U.S. doesn’t have many true big men.  The most obvious alternate for fans is Blake Griffin but I don’t think he’s developed enough to be a big force internationally. He would have great moments, but overall I think Tyson is the better option.  Also I hate Bosh. 

So the final roster is…

PG: Chris Paul (Rose/Williams backup)

SG: Kobe Bryant (Wade backup)

SF: Kevin Durant/LeBron James (Melo backup)

PF: Kevin Love/LeBron James

C: Dwight Howard (Tyson/Aldrige backup)

           

Shoutout to February because it could really use some love right now and the real Davy Jones from the Monkees who died today

#NEVERFORGET

#DJLR

The Dunk Contest

That’s right everybody, DJLR is back from vacation and ready to party, and by party I mean some good ol’ fashioned blog-on-blog-on-blog analysis.

Let’s start with the Dunk Contest:

            Before we talk about the Contest itself, I just have one thing to get off my chest: since when did it become “un-cool” to be in the Dunk Contest? 

Last time I checked, dunks were still the single most exciting thing (aside from the last two minutes) of a basketball game.  

It’s like the Dunk Contest is the Abercrombie & Fitch of the NBA:  It’s really cool when you’re in middle school and wearing only Abercrombie, but by the time you’re old enough to shop in Abercrombie & Fitch, you realize that the clothes aren’t that cool and anybody who still wears them is a douche. 

            But we’ll get to that later.

On paper, the Dunk Contest should be every NBA player’s dream: ball in hand, open-hoop, no defenders, millions of people watching.  You can literally do anything.  It is tough, though.  I mean one-upping the previous year’s jaw-dropping dunk with an even crazier jaw-dropping dunk is pretty hard.  You can’t up the ante and lower the jaw every year.  Dwight jumped over a person; Blake jumped over a car; so I guess the only thing cooler would be if Chase Budinger jumped over a person-car aka a Transformer. 

But there’s the other problem with this year’s Dunk Contest.  Anybody who follows basketball knows who I’m talking about when I say Dwight or Blake, but I have to refer Chris Budinger by his full name.  Do you know how time consuming it is to refer to everybody by their full name? Well, it’s not that time consuming, but it’s fucking annoying.  And that’s what I have to do with everybody in the Dunk Contest this year because if I just say Paul, Chase, Jeremy, and Derrick people are going to think that I’m talking about a Backstreet Boyz reunion special.

There are literally zero marquee names in this year’s contest, which is bad but not catastrophic.  To put how abstruse the names are into perspective, when I typed “Paul George” into Google, the first suggestion was “Paul George John and Ringo, Beatles.”

The other guys in the Contest are the Rocket’s Chase Budinger, the Utah’s Jeremy Evans, and Timberwolves’ rookie Derrick Williams (I would have put in Taj Gibson instead of Budinger after Taj destroyed D-Wade’s soul in last year’s Eastern Conference Finals, but that’s just me).  Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those haters that says that just because there are no superstars in the Contest that the Contest itself is going to suck. After weeding my way through the Internet to watch their dunk tape, I could see why the NBA picked them.  These guys are great dunkers, and I like that the NBA changed the Contests’ format so that there isn’t as much boring down time between monster slams.  Everyone has been saying that the Contest is going to suck because of all of the “no-names,” but you know that these same “no-names” are listening and are going to come out trying to prove why they were put there. 

Personally, I think that the Dunk Contest is going to be entertaining.  It won’t be something that we talk about for years to come like Dr. J, Jordan, and Niq’ but it will be fun for everyone there and anyone who watches.  

My prediction: Derrick Williams edges out Jeremy Evans with one of those dunks that he just slams down, you know, Blake-Griffin-style, like the rim had sex with his girlfriend and all he wants to do is punish it.

My problem, in general, is that it seems like the superstars don’t want to be in the Dunk Contest.  Back in the days of Jordan and Niq, superstars wanted to show off in front of the crowd.  They wanted to be in the spotlight.  They wanted the ball in their hands and dunk from the foul line, and they made history in the process.

 Every little kid growing up LOVES the dunk contest, but now once that little kid grows up and get into the NBA, the magic has faded and “risk of injury” is his excuse for not competing. 

It just seems selfish.  The Dunk Contest inspires so many kids from across the country (and world) to pick up basketball, and now the superstars that they look up to are the same players who think that they are too good to be wasting their time with the Dunk Contest. 

“Oh, poo poo, the Dunk Contest? I would sooner be caught wearing a Cleveland Cavaliers Jersey than be seen in that poor showing,” says high-society LeBron James.

“The Dunk Contest? Why should I be forced to compete in that dreadful competition?  It is hardly worth my time and effort.  Now if you will excuse me, I really should be getting back to the kitchen, my crumpets are getting cold,” says pompous Kevin Durant.

“Oh I remember my days in the Dunk Contest.  One of the most traumatizing experiences of my life.  I danced around in a little Superman costume and jumped over that young chap Nathaniel Robinson III.  How lowbrow!  I’d rather stay in Orlando than be put on that stage again,” says mega-douche Dwight Howard.

Look, I’m exaggerating, and I’m sure there are complex issues and factors that ultimately drive these players to not compete in the Contest, but to an everyday fan, this is the perception.  This year’s Dunk Contest might not have the star power as the Contests of the past, but you’ve gotta respect these guys for coming out and putting on a show. 

Shoutout to Mother Nature for finally giving Utah some snow 

#DJLR

Peyton's Wild Ride

            Peyton Manning’s neck (or lack thereof) is this week’s biggest story behind [insert your favorite LIN name here].  Next is Randy Moss coming back from the dead to announce his intention to play in the 2012 season; then Mark Sanchez asking Santonio Holmes to be his Valentine on Twitter and getting stone cold rejected; and last is Brett Favre’s dick pics.  Just kidding, that was last year (although I wouldn’t be surprised if he gave us a couple candid ones just so we know he’s still out there).    

            But back to Peyton and his play-dough neck.  I don’t know if any of you guys remember, but before the Peyton’s neck went flaccid, he was a pretty good quarterback.  He threw for almost 55,000 yards, 400 TDs, had a career QBR of 94.9, won a Super Bowl, set a couple passing records, made Indianapolis more than just a place where people go to experience a redneck cultural safari, blah, blah, blah, you know the deal.

However, none of what Peyton did matters if he can’t continue to do it.  The fact of the matter is that Peyton can’t even look both ways before he crosses the street, or at least that’s what Jim Irsay thinks.  The Colts have the number one pick in the upcoming NFL draft, and everyone expects them to take the undisputed Golden Boy 2.0: Andrew Luck (and they probably should… but that’s for another post).

*Sidenote: is it just me or is Andrew Luck a bigger dweeb than Peyton and Eli put together?  He’s just as awkward, has a scraggly beard of pubes, and talks like somebody is permanently holding his nose.  If you don’t believe me listen to his interview after the Fiesta Bowl defeat.  Talk about uncomfortable. 

With Peyton most likely packing up his neck-brace and moving on, that makes the Older Brother the most eligible bachelor in the NFL.  I sent Roger Goodell a reality show idea for NFL Network entitled “Peyton’s Wild Ride.”  Basically, it would be a spinoff of the Bachelor, with Peyton as the Bachelor, and the 32 NFL team owners as the women the Bachelor has to choose from.  Goodell said he like the idea, but eventually shut down the entire operation before we ever got filming on the grounds that the title sounded too much like the name of a porno. 

 Fear not, young believers, DJLR is doing some blog-on-blog-on-blog analysis to see where Peyton’s Wild Ride should take him (not a porno!):


                                           Peyton’s Wild Ride

When selecting his ultimate destination, Peyton should be looking for three things in prospective teams:

1.)                    Great Offensive Line: Peyton is a delicate flower and needs to be treated as such.  In order for Peyton to be effective he needs, first and foremost, a strong offensive line.  The only things in worse shape than Peyton’s neck are Peyton’s legs, which move like are weighed down by cement blocks.  Peyton can’t escape from pressure well, but, at his age, he can’t be hit often either, which is why he needs an established O-Line to protect him. 

2.)                    Ready to Win NOW: Peyton isn’t getting any younger, and at this stage in his career it’s all about the rings. He can’t afford to go to a team that is trying to rebuild because he can’t sacrifice the fews years he has left as an elite quarterback (if he even has any left at all).  He needs to go to a team that will give him the best chance to win now, as this year. 

3.)                    Coach Without an Ego: Peyton is so good because he has complete control over the Colts offense.  He reads defenses, audibles, and throws touchdowns.  Peyton has to go to a team that will let him do all of these things he did in Indianapolis that made him great.  The coach of wherever Peyton ends up will have to give Peyton total control over the offense, and do whatever it takes to make Peyton feel comfortable.  In order to do this, the coach will have to put his pride to the side and forfeit the keys to the offense to Number 18. 

The Jets: The Sexy Girl with an Attitude

1.     O-Line: 40 sacks in 2011 (20^th in league) - ehhhh

2.     Win Now: 8-8 in 2011 with a good defense (playoff team until late-season collapse due to bad play of, most notably, QB Mark Sanchez) - YES 

3.     Coach W/O an Ego: Rex Ryan = Ego the size of his stomach (which has been rumored to have its own orbit) - NOOOOOOO 

Overall: The Jets are the sexy destination for Peyton.  He would be in one of the biggest markets in the country, and would be playing in the same stadium as his brother.  The money the Manning Bros would make off of advertising alone would be able to buy them a small island in the Caribbean with enough left over to buy Peyton a new neck.  If Peyton could win the Jets a Super Bowl, it would be their first since Joe Willy, and it would make Peyton immortal in New York.  The only problem is the Jets will always be in the shadow of their older, better-looking, more likable, more talented, funnier, smarter, and all around better brother: The Giants.

            But back to the team, the Jets O-Line isn’t the best in the league, but it will suffice.  The sack stats are a little inflated because Sanchez is notorious for taking sacks, and Rex Ryan hasn’t run the ball since ‘Nam.  They are definitely ready to win now, but Rex Ryan is not the type of person who would willingly sacrifice control over his offense to anyone.  They may be able to make it work, but I have my doubts. 

The Redskins: The Ugly, Nice Girl

1.     O-Line: 41 sacks in 2011 (21^st in league) - a little less than ehhhh

2.     Win Now: 5-11 in 2011 (out of it early, but in a competitive division and ironically beat the Giants twice) - ehhhhh

3.     Coach W/O an Ego: Mike Shanahan = very quarterback friendly coach without a huge ego - CHECK

Overall: The Redskins are the ugly girl who has a great personality.  On the surface she isn’t that appealing, but once you get to know her she’s a really cool girl.  I mean, who cares about looks? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, right? …right?!? 

            O-line isn’t great, but they were playing with a Rex Grossman/John Beck combo, so that’s gotta count for something.  They aren’t really built to win now, but if they can get a number one wide receiver next to Santana Moss they could be a contender.  The coach is the real seller though; Mike Shanahan is a quarterback’s coach and a coach who would put his pride aside to win.  

 

The Dolphins: The Ugly Girl that Tries to be Hot

 

1.     O-Line: 52 sacks in 2011 (30^th in league) - SMH

2.     Win Now: 6-10 in 2011 with an underratedly good run defense (3^rd in OPP Rush Yards, but 25^th in OPP Pass Yards) - ehhhhh

3.     Coach W/O an Ego: Joe Philbin (former Packers offensive coordinater) = New coach who was brought in to improve offense but doesn’t have reputation to fight with Peyton over offensive control- OOHH YEAH

Overall: The Dolphins are the fat girl that tries to hide her ugliness by dressing hot.  She wears belly-shirts and tight jeans, trying to run an explosive offense, but they only make her look uglier.  She tries to mask her flaws with make-up (aka the Wildcat), but everybody sees through it and fake being nice to her because they feel so bad. 

           

            An O-line made out of Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Men would have done better than the Dolphins.  The only bright spots in the Dolphin’s offense are Brandon Marshall and Reggie Bush, but the new coach is both a blessing and a curse.  Peyton would have control over the offense, but the defense will have to learn new schemes and the team will have to get used to a new coaching presence.  Not a great fit. 

The Cardinals: The Plain Girl

1.     O-Line: 54 sacks in 2011 (31^st in league) - RADIOACTIVE

2.     Win Now: 8-8 in 2011 in a bad division minus the 49ers (also has good run game and good wide receivers) - ehhhhh

3.     Coach W/O an Ego: Ken Whisenhunt (mild-mannered coach, coming from a defensive oriented Steelers organization)- HELL YEAH

Overall: There’s nothing really special about the Cardinals; they’re just kind of there.  Disgusting O-Line; capable of winning now with Fitz and Beanie, but are in a recently tough division with the 49ers; and their coach is as good as you can hope for.  Who were we talking about again? 

The Vikings: The Almost-Perfect Girl

1.     O-Line: 49 sacks in 2011 (27^th in league, but inflated by McNabb/Ponder duo) - BAD

2.     Win Now: 3-13 in 2011 in the best division in football (GREAT run game, good run defense, and solid wide receivers) - GOOD

3.     Coach W/O an Ego: Leslie Frazier (another mild-mannered coach, coming off of his third year who is willing to put his pride aside to win)- WOO-HOOO

Overall: Alright, on the surface this girl may not seem like she’s perfect but she is, trust me.  She has he flaws, but she’s human! Her bad offensive line isn’t her fault it’s genetic! They were playing down most of the time, so they were bound to give up a lot of sacks.  They are the epitome of winning now with the best running back in the league (AP), solid wide receivers (Harvin and possibly a Randy Moss homecoming?), and an underachieving Jared Allen-led defense (ranked 11^th in OPP Rush Yards, and 25^th in OPP Pass yards).  Leslie Frazier is da bomb aka the perfect type of coach to take on Peyton as a player… She is perfect! (almost)…

Shoutout to Dairy Quinn, Greggy Slo, A-Bomb, Curb, D-Mir, the Dark Lord, and Mikey Auch (That Hurt)

#DJLR

BalLIN 2.0

            All right, I have a linfession to make: in my first BalLIN post I wasn’t that excited about our boy Jeremy.  He just seemed like another Knicks point guard that would come and go within a week.  I felt obligated to write about him because the Knicks were finally winning again, he was a good story, and I had been waiting to use that Natalie Portman joke for like a week. 

            I said I would wait to see how he did against the Lakers before I jumped on the Lin bandwagon, and he more than surpassed my expectations.  He was electrLINfying, scoring 38 points against a Lakers team ranked 4^th in total defense in the league.  More importantly, the Knicks won.  Even more importantly, Jeremy Lin is making it cool to be Asian in the NBA again (you know, ever since Yao Ming ruined it by being a total bust and destroying T-Mac’s career). 

            What was that?  You didn't get enough of LIN in my first post?  Wait, you did?  Shit, alright, well too bad, my blog, my rules.  I'm back doing some LIN-on-LIN-on-LIN anaLINsis on New York’s favorite Chinese-American heartthrob: 林書豪 (aka Jeremy Lin).

BALLIN 2.0

           

            I’m going to spare you on all of the ridiculous numbers he’s put up in this past week, but this if you needed any more reason to believe that Lin is the real deal, check dis ish out:

            Let’s compare Lin’s stats in his first four starts to the first four starts of some other notable point guards:

 

                 o   Magic Johnson: 74 pts 26 assists

  o   Isiah Thomas: 94 pts 24 assists

  o   John Stockton: 37 pts 41 assists

  o   Jeremy Lin: 109 pts 33 assists!!!!!!!!!

            Magic? Isiah? Stockton? Those are some of the best point guards of all-time, and Lin has put up better numbers (through four starts) than them all.  If that wasn’t enough, Lin’s 109 points are the most points in a player’s first four starts since the ABA-NBA merger in 1976. 

Basically, Lin is as hot as Kim Kardashian, which is much to the dismay of Kris Humphries who got to witness both Lin and Kim first hand, and now spends his nights alone doing something else with his first hand (that’s right Humpdaddy, don’t think I forgot about you). 

            Anyway, back to Lin.  This kind of start is unprecedented in the NBA.  Usually, whenever a rookie phenom breaks into the NBA, it’s with a lottery team.  The rookie was usually a one and done in college where he put up insane numbers for a school in the Big East or the ACC.  The rookie then puts up big numbers in the NBA and, depending on the market size of the team he is on, the situation plays out in one of two ways:

1.)   He gets drafted by a small market team, plays there for a few years, struggles with the decision to leave and have a better chance of winning or remain loyal to the team that drafted him and see if the team can put the pieces around him necessary for them to win. The team never gets it done (except in the rare case of Kevin Durant), the superstar shits on the city that drafted him, and he leaves to a bigger market team where the pieces are already in place for him to win.  Wash, Rinse, Repeat.

(ex: LeBron, Deron Williams, Melo, Chris Paul, Dwight Howard eventually)

2.)   A big market team that has been unusually bad recently drafts him and he revives basketball in that city.  He puts the team on his back until the team puts the necessary pieces around him (because, you know, they’re a big market team and they can do that).  They are a contender almost every year, and the team may even win a few NBA Championships.

(ex: Kobe, Rose, Pierce, Wade, possibly Blake Griffin if the Clips can keep Chris Paul)

LIN:

The only two schools that offer Lin a guaranteed spot on their team are Harvard and Brown.  The kid doesn’t even get recruited by Stanford, his dream school, even though he lives within shitting distance of the campus. 

Lin ultimately picks Harvard and works his ass off for four years. He graduates Harvard as the first player in Ivy League history to finish his collegiate career with at least 1,450 points (1,483), 450 rebounds (487), 400 assists (406) and 200 steals (225).

Lin goes undrafted in the 2010-2011 NBA draft and ends up signing with the Golden State Warriors for a one-year deal that is the NBA equivalence of minimum wage.  He never starts a game, and averages only 9.8 minutes in the 29 games that he plays in.

The next season Lin is waived by the Warriors to free up cap space so that the team can make an offer to free-agent center DeAndre Jordan.   Lin is claimed by the Rockets, then dumped by the Rockets, then claimed by the Knicks after Iman Shumpert gets injured and the Mike Bibby’s family insists that Bibby’s corpse be put into the ground where it belongs. 

He got sent down to the D-League, racks off a triple-double (28 PTS, 11 REB, and 12 AST) against the Maine Red Claws (the most random name for a team ever), and is called back up to the Knicks three days later. 

On February 4, Lin finally gets his shot against the Nets and the rest is LINstory.  

Lin isn’t a superstar yet (not even close), but if he ever does become one, his rise to the top will a story for the ages. 

            UNDERRATED: This is the first time in NBA history that there is Double Patrick Ewing Effect in play (with Melo and Amar’e out), and it’s going to be interesting to see what will happen when the they get back.  If Melo can't form some sort of chemistry with Lin, I'm officially classifying him as a Noble Gas.   

Side Note: It’s going to be even more interesting to see what will happen when Baron Davis gets back. 

In the meantime, let’s hope the Knicks can keep LINning. 

Here are some the best of the Lin nicknames, enjoy:

Actual Name: Lin Shu-How

Notable Nicknames:

Lin “Show-U How to” Ball

Every Day I’m Hust-LIN

The Fortune Rookie

The John Wall of China

LINsane in the Membrane

Earth, LIN, and Fire

The LINja

Shao-LIN Showdown

                                                                                    LIN Diesel     

                                                                       Chocolate Thunder

Shout out to The Dark Lord Sauron and errebody else who sharing the love

#DJLR

BalLIN

Now that the football season is officially over, I have decided to take my bloggerific talents to Souf Beach.  Or at least that’s what I had in mind. 

I had this whole idea in my head for a column about the Heat: how LeBron shooting a career best 54.6% from the field, averaging almost 29 points per game, and leading the Heat in almost every major offensive category; how the Big Three account for about 70% of the Heat’s points and over 90% of the Heat’s total offense; how the only way to slow down the Heat is to slow the tempo down and play a 2-3 zone to that forces them to put up threes; and an in-depth analysis of who can really open his mouth wider: Chris Bosh or Pau Gasol.  

             Sprinkle in a few jokes here and there and pull it all together with a couple funny pictures and you’ve got yourself a solid post. 

Then I had an epiphany: 1) Chris Bosh looks more like a member of the Na'vi tribe from Avatar than a velociraptor, and 2) the Knicks are #LINNING. 

Jeremy Lin is the hottest thing to come out of Harvard since Natalie Portman.  It’s LINsane how well this guy has been playing, and his highlights are taking over the LINternet.  He’s averaging 25.3 PPG, 8.3 APG, 4.0 GPA, and has a field goal percentage of 58.6% in his first three NBA starts ever.  The last player to put up numbers like that in his first three games?  LeBron.  Yeah, that LeBron.  And guess who is the only player to have a higher PER (Player Efficiency Rating) than him this season.  That same LeBron. 

Lin has a PER of 26.83, higher than superstars Kevin Durant (26.60), Chris Paul (26.17), Dwayne Wade (25.48), Kobe Bryant (25.43), and Dwight Howard (25.42).  Just to put that into even more perspective, Carmelo has a PER of 20.33 and Amar’e has a PER of 17.14.

But let’s not get carried away, it’s only three games.  What’s more LINcredible, though, is that the Knicks are winning.  What adds to the LINsanity is that they are winning without Carmelo and Amar’e.  The Lin-led Knicks are on a three game winning streak after previously losing 11 of 13.  The difference: the Knicks offense looks like it has rhythm.  Chandler and Lin look like they have some sort chemistry.  They play off of each other, not in spite of each other, as Melo and Amar’e have become notorious for doing. 

            What also helps is the fact that the Knicks’ past three opponents (Nets, Jazz, Wizards) have a combined record of 26-51 and all rank in the bottom ten in the league in defense. 

            But with that said you can’t disregard Lin’s stats.  It’s still the NBA and I don’t care who you’re playing, you have to have game to put up three straight 20+ point performances.  And, as I said before, the Knicks are winning, so how could you not like this guy.  I mean just look at his picture:

He looks like a little kid who just ate the last blue Jolly Rancher and is running away, mocking you with that “Yeah I ate it, wattaya gonna do about it (heheheheheh)” face.  And, to top it all off, he doesn’t even have his own apartment!  He sleeps on his brother’s couch, and it’s this “every man” persona that makes him so appealing to New Yorkers. 

However, I’m not going all in on the Lin bandwagon just yet.  We’ve gone through this with Douglas, then Shumpert, and now it’s Lin.  Soon it will be Baron Davis.  I vaguely remember Shumpert playing well in a few games and then getting cocky and throwing up 20 shots against the Grizzlies. With that said, Knicks fans desperately want someone to cling to that will bring the relevance back to MSG, and Lin has a chance to possibly maybe become the guy who might be able do it (maybe). 

Personally, I’m waiting to see how Lin performs at home against the Lakers on Friday until I give him the keys to the city.  If he can go stride for stride with Kobe (or at least keep it close), I’ll be a little bit more confident that he can keep this play up against the better teams in the league.

(Don't mean to be a downer, but he did have eight turnovers against the Jazz.  The Knicks won't be able to win against anybody with that type of ball insecurity... just saying)

But let’s say Lin is everything that we hoped for.  What happens when Melo comes back?  Even worse, what happens if Melo comes back and they start to lose? Will we blame the losses on Melo and see them as proof that he just can’t win in New York?  Will Amar’e finally develop some chemistry with Lin when he gets back?  What about Baron Davis?  Will he have the support of the fans if he replaces the lovable Lin?  Will Chris Bosh ever make it back to Pandora and reunite with his long lost love Brittney Griner?  And if he gets there, will it be in time to stop the humans from causing irreversible damage to his home planet?  AHHH the tension is palpable.  I guess we’ll just have to wait and see…

And now, your politically incorrect picture of the week:

Shout-outs to Ray Laces Out Finkle, Adam Bomb, Curb Your EnthusiAdam, A-Ron Bergondy, Doey G, and Big Sammy B for spreading the word.  You all have my eternal love and this is but a token of my gratitude.

#DJLR

The Five Steps to Celebration

           I walked into Lucas Oil Stadium at 2:35 exactly.  I remember because on my way in, a man was holding up a sign labeled “you Need to Fear the Lord” arranged to look like the NFL insignia.  I passed by and laughed at the wittiness of the sign.  The man holding it asked me what I was laughing at.  I said the sign.  He told me I was going to hell.  I told him that I was Jewish.  He told me I was going to the sixth circle.  I told him Tebow would save me and walked into the stadium. 

It was the first time in my life that I went from laughter to pure terror to laughter all within then seconds.  Only at the Super Bowl. 

Anyway, I got there at 2:35 and left at around 11:00.  I don’t really know the exact time because I was so involved in the game and so elated after the Giants’ victory that time really had no meaning to me.  The eight-plus hours that I spent at the stadium seemed like eight seconds.  As my friends and I were about to leave the stadium, I turned back and soaked in the last few moments I had.  The field, the confetti, the moment; it was like I just won the Super Bowl.

Anybody who truly cares about sports knows what I’m talking about.  It’s the feeling that you get after watching a game that you fully devoted yourself to.  You are “all in.”  You cheer and cringe and praise and criticize as if your emotion and your feedback will somehow influence the outcome of the game.  It’s just you and the game.  The only time that matters is the time on the clock, and with each passing second you become more and more enveloped by the field until it’s as if your entire life’s happiness depends on the ensuing play. 

That’s the paradox of sports in general.  They are simultaneously the most important and the most inconsequential of events.  You can tell yourself they don’t matter all you want, but at the end of the day you still care. When your team wins it’s the greatest feeling in the world, like all of your hard work paid off even though your hard work consisted of sitting and watching.  When your team loses it’s like somebody sucker-punched you in the gut.  You are embarrassed to have given so much of yourself to the game and all you want to do is bury yourself.  You think about all of the great things in your life but they don’t really console you.  When it comes down to it, you still care. 

            The elation that I felt after the game and the ensuing events inspired me to write this fool-proof guide outlining how to handle that moment when the clock hits zero, the final out is made, the winning goal is scored, etc. and your team is on top of the world:

The 5 Steps to Celebration:

1.     The HUG:

Right as the game ends, jump up and give the person closest to you a hug.  It doesn’t matter who it is.  It could be your wife, your kid, your brother, your mom, your rabbi, yourself, that random hobo at the bar, it doesn’t matter.  Wrap your arms around something because you’re not going to know what to do with your hands.  Don’t end up like Ricky Bobby. Hug somebody, trust me.

HOT GIRL RULE: if you’re watching the game next to a hot girl, when you jump up, cheer, and give her a hug, try to kiss her on the cheek also.  It’s the only time it’s going to happen so you might as well give it a shot.

HOT GIRL RULE EXCEPTION: if her boyfriend is there then don’t do it.  Retain you dignity and don’t get the shit kicked out of you on one of the greatest days of your life.  It won’t ruin the moment, but you might have to do your celebrating in a wheelchair.

2.     The HIGH-FIVE:

After you’ve finished your hugs, high-five every single person in the vicinity.  Your hand will start to hurt after the 10^th (depending on how much force you use), but suck it up and finish your rounds.  They invented Advil for a reason.

HIGH-FIVE EXCEPTION: you’ve been eating wings/ribs over the course of the game and your hands look like you ran out of toilet paper in the bathroom and used your hand.  Sorry for that graphic analogy, but nobody wants to high-five, let alone touch, your grimy fingers, so do everybody a favor and elbow-bump them instead.

3.     The PHONE CALL

Call that one person who couldn’t watch the game with you.  He had to go to a funeral or something, but he got the game streaming on his phone and sacrificed being “politically correct” to celebrate when they won.  You guys talk about the team constantly and, although you hold conflicting views about what is best for the team from time to time, at the end of the day you both love each other.  Savor the moment together because you’ll be talking about it for years to come.

4.     The SILENT PRAYER

Go to a secluded location (bathroom, bedroom, car, etc.) and take a minute to silently Tebow.  Thank God or Allah or Jesus or Zeus or Kim Jong-il or whomever you believe in for this glorious moment.  It wouldn’t have been possible without them. 

ATHIEST EXCEPTION: stop being so stuck-up and existential for three seconds and thank the greater workings of the universe for the miracle that you have just witnessed.  Enough with your scientific mumbo-jumbo “I control my own destiny” bullshit.  Your team just won a title; stop being so selfish and give thanks God damn it! (no pun intended), this may never happen again. 

5.     The BOAST

The final stage of proper celebration is bragging.  Your team won and the other team lost.  It is now your job to ridicule every person who was stupid enough to doubt your team and root for the opposing one.  A favorite line that this weekend was “I always knew Brady swallowed, but I never knew he choked also.”  It doesn’t have to be original, it just has to be mean.  Anybody wearing the other team’s jersey is fair game.  The more vulgar and immature, the better, and as they scurry out of there, serenade them with the classic “Na Na Na Na, Na Na Na Na, Hey, Hey, Hey, Goooood Byyyeee (you suck)!” chant.

BIG GUY EXCEPTION: if there is a guy who looks pissed off and is big enough that he could feasibly beat the shit out of you, steer clear.  Echoed from the HOT GIRL EXCEPTION, nobody likes celebrating in a wheelchair.  Pick on somebody who is much smaller than your actual size.

Shout-out to myself for going 3 for 3 in playoff predictions and even getting the margin of victory right in the Super Bowl

#DJLR