A Tale of Two Kickers

           The dream of any football-loving child is to some day make it to the NFL.  However, due to my pale complexion, 5 foot 9 stature, and Jewish upbringing, I was always told that I was more suited to be a kicker than a menacing pass-rusher (even though “The Merciless Mazot Ball” would be a killer nickname). 

            The disappointment soon faded as I realized the many perks to being an NFL kicker.  The average salary of an NFL kicker is $868,005. They don’t get hit. They get free VIP access to every game of the season. They don’t get hit. They get to hangout with those cool NFL guys all day. They don’t get hit. They get to the leftover bitches at the parties who never got a chance to meet the stud quarterback. Oh, and did I mention that they don’t get hit?

            And what do I have to do? Walk onto the field at most five times per game and kick a ball as far as I can. Where do I sign?

            However, the events of this weekend dragged me back down to reality and made me realize that no amount of leftover pussy could ever get me to do this job. 

The kicker is the one person on the football field whose performance is literally center-stage, yet he has so much out of his control that has to go right for him to make it.  Good snap, good catch, good hold, good spin, wind compensation, air pressure, ball pressure, humidity, Coriolis Effect, what he had for breakfast, the size of his last load, sacrifices to the Japanese Sun Goddess, Amaterasu; not to mention the fact that 11 blood-thirsty, 6 foot 3, 300 pound guys are charging at you, all trying to prevent you from making the kick. Throw in coaches trying to freeze you with timeouts and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. I’m amazed the extra point even goes through. 

But in the playoffs, the importance of the kicker is magnified, and in a win-or-go-home situation, the kicker is one of the most important people on the team. If I had to pick three people on the football team to do their job 100% right to win one game, it would be the coach, the quarterback, and the kicker. 

 Because kickers remain in relative obscurity throughout the season, they feel a mixture of yearning and dread for that one kick in the spotlight: the Nightmare Kick.  It’s the kick the kicker kicks at the pinnakick of his kickreer. It’s the kick that plagues kickers’ dreams and wakes them up with wet sheets in the middle of the night. The Nightmare Kick defines the kicker’s career, for better or for worse, and everything that he has done up to that point is irrelevant. The Nightmare Kick is on the biggest of stages: tie game, down by three, late-fourth quarter, overtime, always in playoff atmosphere, and, no matter where it is kicked from, it has to be made. However, a missed Nightmare Kick can be redeemed if the kicker makes a different Nightmare Kick later in the game, and his team wins the game.

The Nightmare Kick divides the NFL kickers into two groups: The Vinatieri’s and the Finkle’s.

The 2011-12 Championship Round of the NFL Playoffs illustrated of the two different types of kickers perfectly:

     The Vinatieri

           The Vinatieri is named after Adam Vinatieri, the man responsible for the Patriots’ two Super Bowl victories in Super Bowls XXXVI and XXXVIII. 

In SB XXXVI, Vinatieri nailed a 48-yard field goal on the final play of the game that gave the Patriots a 20-17 over the St. Louis Rams.  However, many people forget that a couple weeks earlier, Vinatieri single-footedly defeated the Oakland Raiders in the Divisional Round.  In a certifiable blizzard, Vinatieri hit a field goal with 27 seconds left in regulation to send the game into overtime, and then hit another in overtime to win it for the Pats.

Two years later, Vinatieri nailed a 41-yard field goal with 0:04 left in SB XXXVIII, lift the Patriots over the Panthers 31-29 and giving them their second Super Bowl in three years.

If Tom Brady is the Golden Boy, Vinatieri is the Golden Foot, and the Patriots should erect a statue of him in front of Gillette Stadium (or just open up a Foot Locker next to the stadium in his honor).

Vinatieri won a total of FOUR Super Bowls (two with his foot alone) over the course of his career, which is why this prestigious label is named after him. 

Lawrence Tynes hit the second Nightmare Kick of his career against the 49ers, cementing his status as a Vinatieri.  Ironically, this was Tynes’ fourth attempted Nightmare Kick.  He attempted a total of three Nightmare Kicks in the 2007 NFC Championship Game: he missed his first two during regulation, and redeemed himself by making a 47 yarder in overtime, sending his Giants to the Super Bowl and erasing his previous two missed Nightmare Kicks.  Tebow must be a big Tynes fan.

Other notable Vinatieris include:

·      Jim O’Brien (Baltimore Colts) – 1 Nightmare Kick make

o   Super Bowl V vs Cowboys

·      Matt Bahr (New York Giants) – 2 Nightmare Kick makes

o   42 yarder in the 1990 NFC Championship Game vs 49ers (he also accounted for every Giants point that game kicking an NFL playoff record FIVE field goals)

o   41 yarder in Super Bowl XXV vs the Bills

·      Richard Karlis (Denver Broncos) – 1 Nightmare Kick make

o   33 yarder in the 1986 AFC Championship Game vs the Browns that capped off John Elway’s famous 66 yard “Drive”

      The Finkle

The Finkle is named after Ray “Laces Out” Finkle from Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. If you haven’t seen it, see it. It’s Jim Carrey at his best (before he got annoying). 

In the movie, Ray Finkle is the Dolphins’ kicker who misses a potentially game winning field goal at the end of Super Bowl XVII.  The miss costs the Dolphins the Super Bowl and effectively ends Finkle’s career.  Since the miss, Finkle harbors an obsession with Dolphins’ quarterback Dan Marino.  Marino held the ball with “laces in” instead of “laces out,” which Finkle blames for his miss.

The miss defines Finkle’s career as a kicker and haunts him for the rest of his life. 

The most recent addition to the Finkle kickmunity is Billy Cundiff who missed a 32-yarder that would have sent the Ravens-Pats game into overtime.  Below is Cundiff's induction to the Finkle kickmunity:

Other notable Finkles include:

·      Mike Vanderjagt (Indianapolis Colts) – 2 ½ Nightmare Kick misses

o   49 yarder (2000 Divisional Round vs Dolphins)

o   46 yarder (2005 Divisional Round vs Steelers)

o   51 yarder (2003 Pro Bowl, which only counts as a half because the Pro Bowl is stupid)

·      Scott Norwood (Buffalo Bills)– 1 Ultra-Nightmare Kick miss

o   47 yarder (Super Bowl XXV vs the Giants)

·      Kyle Brotzman (Boise St. Broncos) – 2 Nightmare Kick misses in the same game

o   29 yarder (at the end of regulation vs Nevada)

o   26 yarder (in overtime that would’ve won the game vs Nevada)

***Brotzman’s missed kicks led to Boise State’s only loss of the season, eliminating them from contention for the BCS National Championship Game***  (that’s rough)

EXCEPTIONS

Some kickers are unlucky/lucky enough to have multiple Nightmare Kicks. 

·      Second-Tier Vinatieris: Kickers who make the majority of their Nightmare Kicks

Ex: Mark Moseley (Redskins/Browns)

·      Second-Tier Finkles: Kickers who miss the majority of their Nightmare Kicks

Ex: Doug Brien (New York Jets)

·      Finkletieris: Kickers who have the same number of Nightmare Kick makes and misses.  The “Finkletieris” are stuck in a sort of kicker limbo; nobody knows what to think of them and they are labeled freaks of kickture (alright I’ll stop).

o   The only known Finkletieri is Eddie Murray.  As a Lion, Murray missed a 43-yard Nightmare Kick in the 1983 NFC Divisional Round vs the Niners. Ten years later, Murray (now a Cowboy) made a 35-yard Nightmare Kick in an overtime thriller against the Giants. It was the final game of the 1993 season, and the kick won the Cowboys the NFC East, giving them home field advantage throughout the playoffs. 

** Kickers now refer to Murray as “he who must not be named” **

        Stay Classy San Diego

                #DJLR