Levels of Clutch

“Yo, where are all the new DJLR’s?”

“Dude, you haven’t written a new DJLR since ‘Nam.  GET ON IT!”

“WRITE ANOTHER DJLR OR I WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!”

This is just some of the feedback that I wish I were getting for not having written a new column approximately 18 days*. 

**The last one I actually did get, but it was from my 11-year-old brother who doesn’t actually read the posts he just “likes the funny pictures about that douche bag LeBron.”  I’ve taught him well**

It’s not that I haven’t wanted to write one (I’ve been working on this idea for like a month); but I was doing nothing.  I know that sounds contradictory, but have you ever actually done nothing?  No obligations, nobody to answer to, just you, your pool, your friends, a couple great movies, and Bill Simmons’ Book of Basketball. 

It’s like a vacation except better.  When you go away on vacation you’re obligated to “do things” because of the “How Could You Waste Your Days in Such a Beautiful Place Doing Nothing?” effect.  When people ask you what you did on your trip to Italy, you don’t want to say “I did nothing,” so you wake up early and spend your days taking half-hearted tours of Rome from a guide who uses antiquated American slang words like “groovy,” which is funny for the first hour but once you get to Hour 5 you just want to throw him off the top of Saint Peter’s Basilica and hope you don’t burn in hell for it. 

Sometimes you just have to do nothing for a while and recharge your batteries.  I needed this nothing time… badly, which is why this Memorial-Day-Weekend-Extended-by-Senior-Cut-Day was so clutch.  Wait a minute…

What is “clutch?” What’s the difference between “Badly Needed Do Nothing Weekend” clutch and, say, “Kobe Bryant Fourth Quarter” clutch?  Is one more valuable than the other?  Am I just forcing a transition here even though there’s no correlation whatsoever?  Let’s find out:

LEVELS OF CLUTCH:

In every sport there are games, possessions, and plays that matter more than others.  In honor of the 2012 NBA Playoffs we’re going to use basketball as our baseline, but the Levels of Clutch (patented, trademarked, not available for resale without the express written consent of DJLR Sports) can apply to any sport and even some real life situations.  We’ll start from the bottom and work our way up…

12. Just No – The name says it all.  You don’t want him anywhere near the ball.  Period. When the fourth quarter comes around tie this guys arms and legs together with heavy duty rope and chain him to a metal chair… in a maximum-security jail cell… at the bottom of the ocean… in space.

Example: Johan Petro (New Jersey Nets)  Who is that?  Exactly.

11. Regular Season Hero – This guy gets it done in the regular season.  He doesn’t have to be spectacular, but he’s at least a serviceable player on a playoff team. However, for some inexplicable reason, he breaks down in the playoffs.  There’s no feasible reason as to why his play is falling off except the fact that each game matters more and he can’t handle the pressure.

Example: Steve Novak* (New York Knicks)

**In Novak’s defense, the Heat smothered him at the three-point line and he literally didn’t have time to release the ball, but the fact that he only attempted seven three pointers in the entire series is inexcusable**

10. $0.75 – This guy right here plays well in first three quarters but comes up short when it matters most.  LeBron has been the butt of many of these “short one quarter” jokes, but in reality LeBron has proven that he can be “the guy” in the fourth quarter several times during his career.  Remember Game 2 in the 2009 Eastern Conference Finals against the Magic?  He may not have the relentless need to win that Jordan had, but he has made big shots.

Example: perceived LeBron James (Miami Heat)

9. Put Your Money Where Mouth Is – In the midst of a media frenzy about the player (trade rumors, off the court issues, inability to play on team that he is on, etc.) the player comes up big to prove that “haters gonn' hate.”  He has a memorable game to dispel all criticism and lets his performance speak for itself

Example: Rajon Rondo (Boston Celtics) in what Bill Simmons dubbed his “DON’T FUCKING TRADE ME!” game  (18 PTS, 17 REB, 20 AST)

8. Present! – The player shows up BIG in an important game when a key player goes down to injury or suspension.  The player knows “this game is on me, if I don’t have a great game, my team will lose.”

Example: Paul Pierce (Boston Celtics) in Game 2 of the Celtic’s first round series against the Hawks when he scored 36 points and grabbed 18 rebounds (after Rondo was suspended for bumping an official LOL). 

7. Must or Bust– The player has stellar performance in a “must win” game (even though its not technically must win, just “it would be a really good idea if we won this game or else we’re going to be in a bad situation”)

Example: LeBron James (Miami Heat) in Game 4 in the Heat’s second round series against the Pacers (40 PTS, 18 REB, 9 AST)

6. Elimination Sensation– The player plays well in elimination game that’s not Game Seven (etc. game 4, 5, 6).  He wills his team to win and extends the team’s season if not only for a couple more days.  If his team makes it to Game 7 then it becomes…

5. Seventh Heaven – Two words every sports fan lives for: Game. 7.  Well favorite word/number combination if you’re being technical.  This guy delivers when there’s only one game that decides who’s moving on and who’s going home crying [insert Chris Bosh crying joke]. 

Example: Bill Russell (Boston Celtics) in Game 7 of the 1962 NBA Finals (30 points, 40 rebounds)

**Sidenote: Is this not the creepiest picture you've ever seen? Russell looks like a cross between Golum from Lord of the Rings and a pedophile luring a child in with candy** 

4. FINALly – AKA Finals MVP, this player steps up his game when title is on the line.  The stage is never bigger, the lights are never brighter, the girls are never hotter, and he shows everybody why they pay him the big billz.

Example: James Worthy (Los Angeles Lakers) 1988 Finals MVP (had a triple double in Game 7)

3. The Closer – The Closer is the person who finishes off the game for you.  He takes control with two minutes left and gives everybody in the stadium the same feeling: “he’s got this.”  He is never more comfortable and he seems to make every right decision down the stretch.  He fills the other team’s fans with dread while giving his own fans a feeling of comfort, like a mother tucking her children in at night and kissing them on the forehead.

Example: Chris Paul (Los Angeles Clippers)

2. Ultimate Final Touch Clutch – it’s the last shot, who do you want to be the last person to touch the ball before the clock hits 0:00?  It’s the truest definition of the word clutch.

            Example: Michael Jordon (Chicago Bulls), Larry Bird* (Boston Celtics)

**I hate the Celtics, but the Legend was a boss. My all time favorite story about him: in the first ever NBA Three Point Contest in 1986, Bird walks into the locker room and says to his competitors “Alright, who’s playing for second?”  The Legend then proceeds to sink 11 straight three pointers en route to winning his first of three consecutive NBA Three Point Contests.**

1. The Brian Scalabrine – AKA the White Mamba AKA the God is all of these clutches put together, strikingly handsome, ridiculously skilled, but his coach doesn’t put him in the game because it would be unfair to the other team. 

**Note: A player can be more than one clutch at a time.  For example, Bill Russell’s 40-30 performance in Game 7 of the 1962 Finals was FINALly Seventh Heaven and LeBron's game-winning shot against the Magic in Game 2 of the 2009 Eastern Conference Finals showed a flash of Ultimate Final Touch Clutch in addition to Must or Bust.**

If you have your own level of clutch (and it’s actually good), send it to dkatz24@gmail.com and you have a chance to win fabulous cash prizes (not really though, but it might you might get a shoutout or a hug or something)

Shoutout to K-Dawg, T-Skillet, and Gray Hound McDougle

#DJLR

Where We Go From Here

            The Heat were supposed to win. Everybody knew that. The analysts gave us numerical proof, the ex-players and coaches gave us experiential proof, but the Heat gave us the only proof that really matters: the scoreboard. Knowing it’s coming doesn’t lessen the blow; it only gives us time to brace ourselves until it finally hits. It’s not anger; it’s more disappointment, but that almost makes it worse.  Anger results from the belief that your team was robbed and that if they replayed the series, your team would no doubt come out on top.  Disappointment results from the knowledge that your team was thoroughly outmatched and that if they replayed the series, your team would be lucky to make it to Game 6.  

            Sorry for all of these somber reflections, but the Knicks’ loss has put me in a dark place.  Also I think the fact that I watched the majority of the game in silence* compounded my feeling that Game 5 was just an elaborate funeral.

*Sidenote: Yesterday was the first day of my switch from DirecTV to Fios.  Anticipating the move, I instinctively looked up the new channel numbers for some key channels: ESPN, MSG, NBCSN, etc. but stupidly forgot TNT.  My Internet was down all of yesterday because the computer guys were switching the Wi-Fi network, so I was forced to watch Game 5 on MSG with the unbearable Clyde Frazier commentating.  I hadn’t actually listened to Clyde during games in a while because I usually put the TV on mute and listen to play-by-play on Internet radio, but like I said, no Internet.  I gave Clyde a chance and regretted it within seconds.

            First of all, he sounds like he’s talking to a baby.  He has the high, soft, condescending tone that adults use when they’re talking to newborns, only permanently.  This is compounded by the fact that he goes out of his way to make stupid rhymes with antiquated 1980’s basketball slang, but he only has like three of them so he just repeats those three rhymes throughout the game.  Dwayne Wade swoopin’ and hoopin’ through the Knicks D.  We’re not the Hawks, Clyde, and even if we were, human beings don’t “swoop.”  Melo swishin’ and dishin’ in transition.  Sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the sound of my fist trying to destroy the T.V. The Knicks’ lookin’ a little loosey goosey early on. What does that mean? 

I put the game on mute halfway through the first quarter after I turned away for a moment and heard Clyde say LeBron James penetrating and creating here tonight.  I was watching with my ten-year old brother and that’s just in poor taste.  I don’t think my parents have given Kenny the “sex talk” yet, and I wasn’t about to let Clyde Frazier do it for them. 

 #FIRECLYDE!!!!!**

Pretty long sidenote, I know, but someone had to say it.  Anyway, now that the Knicks are officially eliminated there’s going to be a lot of talk about what to do/what’s best for the team/whose fault it is.  Well there are three ways that this scenario can play out:

1. The Reactionary Scenario – 20%

            The Reactionary Scenario is a little less likely now because Amar’e came back and helped the Knicks break their playoff loss streak, but no doubt it’s still possible.  New Yorkers have pride.  Anybody who has ever lived in New York can tell you this.  More so, New York fans have pride.  Even though the fan base is divided in almost every sport, all New York fans unite to support the one TRUE New York basketball team: The Knicks (not the Nets, I don't care where they play). 

            New York fans don’t like to be reminded of their teams’ failures.  They don’t like to be reminded that the Knicks haven’t won a playoff series since 2000*.  They don’t like losing at all.  The Giants just won the Super Bowl, the Rangers are the number one seed in the East, and the Yankees are the most successful franchise in sports history.  Saying that they don’t like to lose is an understatement. 

**By the way, the ESPN Alert I got on my phone when the Knicks were eliminated was uncharacteristically mean: “NBA- Knicks eliminated by Heat, 4-1; Knicks have not won a playoff series since 2000.”  Did you really have to add that last part ESPN?  If the Clippers somehow lost their series would there be a national alert reading, “NBA- Clippers eliminated by Grizzlies, 4-3; Clippers have won one playoff series since 1976 when they were the Buffalo Braves. They fucking suck.”  I didn’t think so.**

The reactionary scenario = total panic mode.  The Knicks try desperately to get rid of Amar’e and his remaining 3 years and $65 million, so they end up trading him for 10 cents on the dollar.  The Magic are willing to take on that liability so that they can have a chance of keeping Dwight Howard, so the Knicks end up trading Amar’e and the false hope that Dwight Howard will stay in Orlando for Hedo Turkoglu, Chris Duhon, and cap space.  They use the cap space to over-pay Jeremy Lin because James Dolan likes to sell jerseys.  Finally, they don’t offer Mike Woodson a long-term contract because they want to make a push at Phil Jackson, but when they finally realize Phil Jackson has no intention of returning to basketball, another team offers Woodson the contract that he deserves and Woodson accepts it there because he feels insulted by the Knicks.  Ultimately the Knicks lose big time.

2. The Conservative Scenario – 5%

             “Nothing is wrong! Amar’e and Melo just need more time to gel under Woodson.  They are meant to play together.  Let’s re-sign Jeremy Lin to a big deal to give the fans what they want.  We’ll make a push for Steve Nash, but not a big one because, you know, we’ve got Lin.  Oh, I forgot we’ll give Woodson a nice contract, and go for a semi-big free agent like… Jason Terry! Great! Another shooter!  Just what we need!  Now all we need is one more power forward...”

            The conservative scenario ends just like this season ended: in disappointment and defeat after going out in the first round of the playoffs once again. This scenario is very unlikely because James Dolan caves to media/fan pressure.

3.  The Logical Scenario – 75% (I hope)

            The Knicks know that they won’t get a lot for Amar’e so why trade him for nothing?  Focus on keeping him healthy so that he can at least be a shade of what he was 5 years ago.  Make a big push for Steve Nash.  All out.  Give him all the maple syrup candy and hockey pucks he wants.  Who cares if he’s old; he’s a two-time MVP at the end of his prime who still manages to get it done for a team with literally nothing around him.  Re-sign Jeremy Lin, but for a two or three year deal.  Let Lin develop behind Nash so that he can learn what it means to be a point guard.  If they can’t get Nash, get Goran Dragic from Houston.  The Knicks need a true passing point guard to make a full push at the Melo-Mar'e experiment to see if they truly are incompatible.  If they conclude that Amar'e is the problem, trade him before the deadline for a shooter like J.R. Smith who can create his own shot to take pressure of of Melo.  Michael Beasly possibly?  Finally, unless Phil Jackson openly declares that he is coming back to basketball by the early July to revive The Garden, sign Mike Woodson to a long-term deal.  He already has the support of the Knicks’ best players, and if they somehow manage to fuck up the Woodson deal and don’t get Jackson, they’ll be stuck with a coach that doesn’t have the support of the players or fans along with questions as to why they didn’t re-sign Woodson when they had the chance.  If everything works out the Knicks will be at least a 4-seed in the east with a chance to get hot in the playoffs. 

           These moves would (hopefully) give the Knicks a starting lineup of Steve Nash (Lin backup), Iman Shumpert, Carmelo Anthony, Amar'e Stoudemire, and Tyson Chandler.  Give that starting five an regular 82 game season and pray to the basketball gods that Amar'e's knees hold out and you've got yourself the third best team in the East at least.  But that's all on paper, and, more importantly, that's all hypothetical.  Give James Dolan a couple months and he'll figure out a way to destroy our hopes and dreams, you watch.  

           I didn't know where to fit this in before, but it must be said:  Mike Miller is a douche.  He isn't classy enough to be a super villain, but he looks like the in-the-closet assistant to a super villain that everybody knows is gay, but he's too scared to admit it.  

Shout out to MSG Network: Please Fire Clyde

#DJLR

13 Things We Know After 2 Games of the NBA Playoffs

            I almost didn’t write a DJLR this week out of sheer depression.  I could barely think, let alone write, about the Knicks without being overcome by a type of indescribable hopelessness the can only result from the realization that your team is going to lose.  There’s no way around it.  No sugarcoating, no happy ending, no silver lining, no light at the end of the tunnel, just defeat: plain and simple.  I would be a little more optimistic if Shumpdaddy was still in and Amar’e was out because the Knicks are a better team when Amar’e and Carmelo aren’t on the floor together and Shumpert is one of the only people on the planet who can guard LeBron.  Too bad he tore his ACL… 

See why I almost didn’t write it?  I sound like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh.  By the way, what kind of name is Eeyore?  It sounds like a derogatory term for a peasant used by one of those pompous 18^th Century British aristocrats. “Oh Charles, did catch the stench radiating off of that poor Eeyore that just passed?  How droll!  He mustn’t have showered in weeks.  Now come, we have wigs to powder.”  You’re right; I’m trying too hard. Regardless it’s a stupid name and I’m upset so deal with it.  If you’re name is Eeyore and you finished reading this paragraph feeling in some way offended, I am sincerely sorry that Eeyore parents named you something that ridiculous. 

            Anyway, even though we’re only two games into the first round of the NBA Playoffs, we’ve learned some valuable lessons about the NBA:

      1.    The Lockout Sucked: for fans the theory of the lockout seemed amazing: back-to-back-to-back games, basketball to watch almost every night, more opportunities to make fun of Shaq on TNT, but now that we got to the playoffs we realize why…

      2.    Injuries Suck: Professional basketball players aren’t meant to play 66 games in 123 days, especially player that are explosive as Derrick Rose. Same with Iman Shumpert who played in 59 out of 66 of the Knicks’ regular season games and 29 straight going into the playoffs.  Enough with the bullshit “it’s Thibodeau’s fault for leaving Rose in the game that long,” we all know who the real culprit behind DRose’s torn ACL and it’s David Stern/Billy Hunter/God-damn capitalism.  If the lockout didn’t tear Rose’s/Shumpert’s ACLs itself, then it definitely gave OJ the knife.  

2a. Amar’e Stoudemire vs. Fire Extinguisher: Amar’e if you are reading this: WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING?!??!?  Why wouldn’t you punch something soft like a sweatshirt, or a pillow, or Mike Bibby? I get that you’re upset, but use that anger to fuel your game not prevent you from playing in the series at all.  To your credit though, it was the first time you attacked the glass in months… (credit: PTI).  

I was looking forward to a heated Bulls-Celtics matchup in Round 2 with DRose and Rondo going at it.  I was looking forward to watching Iman Shumpert try to guard LeBron James and give the Knicks a chance to beat the Heat. I was looking forward to seeing a vintage Amar’e Stoudemire game one last time before his knees give out and he is forced to transfer to the wheelchair basketball league.  Not anymore. Bottom line: Injuries suck, and these probably won’t be the last of them.

      3.    Flopping: Is there a secret Oscar being given away for Best Actor in an NBA Playoffs?  I actually left my friend’s house where I was watching the game after Carmelo got called for another offensive “foul” against LeBron in the third quarter, and as I was leaving I heard Jeff Van Gundy say “You couldn’t knock LeBron James over with that amount of force if you tried.” Seriously though, I would’ve written a total bash column about LeBron and the Heat disgracing the game, but Jeff Van Gundy’s rant during the game and the Bleacher Report’s column pretty much covered it. Tyson’s screen was a borderline foul and LeBron’s “whiplash” was the worst acting I’ve seen since Twilight.  PLAY THE GAME!

      4.    The Referees Suck:  When did basketball become a non-contact sport?  Since when is it illegal to show emotion after a play?  Did the NBA suddenly become the PGA Tour or are the referees just doing a terrible job?  Why am I asking so many questions?  Back in the day players used to get into fights and not get ejected.  Now Tyson Chandler is getting a technical for yelling after a dunk.  Something is wrong and it’s this new sports culture of softness.  Football is violent.  It’s supposed to be violent.  Stop trying to make it not violent.  Basketball players are emotional.  They are supposed to show emotion.  Stop trying to make them show no emotion. 

On another note, the officials rigged Game 1 of the Knicks-Heat series. It’s a fact. Bill Simmons tweeted it best: “28FT’s to 5.  I don’t watch rigged NBA games, I’m switching to hockey.”

Speaking of officials…

 

      5.    Officials don’t like to be bumped: even “accidental” chest bumps.  By the way…

      6.    Rondo looks like the Geico lizard -------------------------------->              

      Also...

      7.    The Celtics are going to the Eastern Conference Finals: We’ve been talking a lot about things that suck, but you know what doesn’t suck?  The Celtics.  I thought that resting their stars would affect their chemistry, and losing Rondo for Game 2 would deal them the “Down 2-0 Curse” that 80% of teams never recover from.  Well… I was wrong.  What’s new?  Much to my dismay, Paul Pierce is a stone-cold killer, and once Ray Allen gets back the Celtics are going to be able to stretch the floor again to open up the paint for Throwback KG.  They’re going to beat the Hawks in six, beat the Rose-less Bulls in five, and then find themselves in the East Finals.  If you told me that during the All Star break I would’ve told you that there was a better chance that the Dwight Howard was staying in Orlando… Wait…

      8.    Are the Magic better without Dwight? I thought that we would be asking this question after Dwight How-Many-Times-Can-I-Change-My-Mind-ard finally got traded.  Instead we’re asking this question because he’s injured.  Well, here’s the answer: NO.  Don’t get cutesy with it.  He is the best center in the league.  You’re telling me that the three-time defending Defensive Player of the Year wouldn’t eat up a Pacers’ frontcourt ranked 17^th in opponents’ rebounds per game and 27^th in opponents’ blocks per game?  Oh, and also give every three point shooter on the Magic 1-2 more seconds to shoot.  Have you seen the way Andrew Bynum is playing against the Nuggets?  Multiply those stats by two, throw in a bad Stan Van Gundy impression, and top it all off with a complete disregard for his teammates and you’ve got yourself Dwight Howard.  Next...


      9. Is the Thunder-Mavs matchup the best first round series? In short, YES.  Kevin Durant + Russel Westbrook + young team trying to prove themselves + Dirk Nowitzki + defending champs looking to prove something + last second buzzer beaters + combined point differential of 4 points in the first two games + series going back to Dallas = AMAZING.  Also...

      10.    WTF Happened to the Grizzlies in Game 1? They froze up.  They looked great for three quarters, and then choked.  Classic “let’s try to hold on to this lead by wasting time and throwing up bad shots at the end of the shot clock.”  They proved that they are the better team with their win in Game 2, but the Clippers stole Game 1 and do have one other thing going for them...

      11.   Chris Paul is a God: I won’t rave about how Chris Paul is the best point I have ever watched live, or how he’s like Isiah Thomas’ passing combined with Magic’s finishing and Brian Scalabrine’s swagger.  All you have to know is that he had seven assists in the fourth quarter of a game that his team came back from a 27-point deficit to win.  If this were ever the year for a “Screw LeBron! I’m not voting for him even though he’s the best because he’s a major douche/flopper/I hate him,” then I would give the MVP to Paul in a second.  I'd rank this the second most exciting series of Round 1.  Speaking of L.A. …

      12.  How seriously should we take the Lakers? Two words: Black Mamba.  Kobe plus the suddenly un-pussy Pau Gasol and the suddenly consistent Andrew Bynum is a usually a recipe for a championship, but they would have to get through OKC/Mavs in the second round, the Spurs in the West Finals, and the Heat in the Finals... all without home court.  I'm not saying they can't do it, I'm just saying they can't do it.  Finally...

      13.   What happened to cool nicknames? It doesn’t really have to do with the playoffs but remember the days when we used to talk about Chocolate Thunder, Muggsy Bogues, Cooz, Cornbread, and Piggy?  Nowadays, we only have Black Mamba (weirdly sexual), the Darantula (scary as fuck), the King (sooo original), and the God (Brian Scalabrine).  Where are all the guys named after random objects?  And hey, you whippersnappers get off my lawn!!!!!

Shout out to G-Baby Sater----> Go vote for her (THE VIKING) in MSG Varsity's Mascot Dash, seriously though... do it.

          #DJLR