March
Madness is probably the most fun event in all of sports for the sole reason
that nobody has a fucking clue who is going to win. There’s some sort of sick-sadistic-down-with-one-percent fun
in watching a powerhouse team like Kentucky have all of their hard work during
the regular-season evaporate in a 40 minute game against a team from Conference
USA.
Now,
don’t get me wrong. I’m not one of
those “WE ARE THE 99%! Let’s occupy [insert busy place here] to make the lives
of thousands of people more difficult until we’re not homeless anymore, but in
the meantime let’s hold hands and sing Koombaya” type of people (sorry, I’ve been
watching too much Daily Show).
I just love these four weeks of high-stakes winner-take-all games and the Cinderella stories.
The reason why March Madness is so
popular is because its structure is so conducive for these “Cinderella
stories:”
·
No home-field advantage? Check.
·
A shit load of potential Cinderellas? Check 48
times. In 2010, Butler (a five seed) made it to the finals against Duke and
newspapers called it David versus Goliath.
·
Every team plays the same number of games?
Check*
*This is a Barry Bonds check because there is that stupid play-in game that nobody
ever cares about/watches to see who plays the number one seed, but whatever.
·
Players that aren’t motivated by
money/contracts, but for the love of the game? Check.
America loves underdogs
(I’ve used every possible Microsoft Word emphasis on “love” and I still can’t
stress that enough). Beetlejuice’s spelling is more accurate than Tebow’s arm, and that’s why people love him! We know Tebow can’t throw; experts say
he can’t win, but he still wins.
America eats that up every time.
“Who cares about skill? Hard work and determination! That’s the American
way!” (not to be confused with Charlie Manuel’s American System).
Back to March Madness. Now that the regular season and the
conference tournaments are over (finally), we can get down to what everybody
really cares about. BRACKETOLOGY!
Everybody does a bracket, and DJLR
is about to show you a foolproof BLOG-on-BRACKET-on-BLOG guide so that you
can pick a perfect bracket.
STEP 1: STAY AS FAR AWAY FROM COLLEGE BASKETBALL UNTIL MARCH MADNESS BEGINS
This one might be a little too late
for some of you, but there’s always next year.
The farther away you are from
college basketball, the better your bracket will be. Last year, Dick Vitale’s bracket was in the 21st
percentile. President Obama’s was in the 85th percentile. Henry Hasselbeck’s (Matt Hasselback’s 5-year-old
son) was in the 93rd percentile.
Notice a trend? The farther away you are from the
regular season, the better.
College basketball analysts have the easiest jobs in the world. Just pick a bunch of teams randomly and
hope you get it right, but if you don’t it’s not a big deal because any team
can win any game because the bracket itself is inherently unpredictable. Why does ESPN pay them again?
(Cut
to Jay Bilas death stare straight into your soul)
On second thought, college
basketball analysts are the best!
STEP 2: MAKE A BUNCH OF BRACKETS
You
have to give yourself options otherwise you’ll never be successful. Make one using only your left hand to
pick teams. Make one using only
your feet. Make one in
Arabic. Give the computer to your
goldfish and let him pick for you.
Make
as many brackets as possible and only show the one that does best. It will make you look cooler in the
eyes of your friends and family (but your goldfish will always know…)
STEP 3: DO NOT PUT ONLY NUMBER ONE SEEDS IN THE FINAL FOUR
How
many people do you think put all of the number one seeds in the Final
Four? Well, I don’t know either,
but a bunch. If you put all of the
number one seeds in the Final Four you WILL look stupid.
Don’t give me that “Oh, its reverse
psychology, nobody will pick them because they think everybody else is picking
them. The money is mine!” You just
sound stupid. Also, don’t give me
any, “No, TRUST me. I did
research; these teams are the best and I can prove it!” either. Of course they’re the best, they’re the
number one seed for a reason, and the fact that you did research makes you an
idiot, which leads us to the next step.
STEP 4: DO NOT DO RESEARCH
It’s simple, just don’t do it. Stay above the influence. I know it’s tempting: ESPN has those
little pop-out quick facts next to every team when you’re choosing your
bracket. Just resist the
temptation and go on with your day.
Research will only hurt your bracket in the long run. It may be all fun and games now, but it
WILL catch up with you and you will regret it. One research leads to another and soon you’re up to your
balls in box scores and statistics and you’re not even done with the first
round.
Trust me, I had a friend who did
research and he was never the same.
Never the same…
STEP 5: DO NOT INDULGE IN PREMATURE BRAG-BRACKETATION
The
final step is not to get excited and brag too early. I know it might be tempting to go showing off your bracket
after you get the first couple of games right, but trust me, it’s not worth it. Those people are going to remember that
you bragged and when Kentucky goes out to UConn in the second round and you had
them winning it all, they will be sure to let you know that you suck.
It’s
much better if you just sit back and wait for your bracket to blossom. Then you strike. And even on the off chance that your
bracket doesn’t pan out, who cares?
Make fun of the people that did prematurely brag-brackulate and if they
ask how your bracket did just say that your goldfish picked it for you. Always gotta leave your options
open.
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