Today
Jim Irsay and the Indianapolis Colts broke up with long time quarterback Peyton
Manning. Irsay didn’t give details about the reason behind the break up, only
that “the circumstances were too difficult to overcome,” but NFL Insider Chris
Mortenson reports that “bad sex” is what really ended this 14-year marriage.
In
the press conference, Irsay made it seem like it was a mutual breakup. He used phrases like “we tried to put
each other in each other’s shoes” and “it was unavoidable” and “we both wanted
to be together” and “Oh my God, I’ve had the old bull and now I want the young
calf” (grabs Andrew Luck by the wiener). However, in reality it was a classic “it’s not you, it’s me!
(but it is kind of you also)” breakup.
After
losing 14 games last season, the Colts are committed to rebuilding, and they’d
rather rebuild around a 22-year-old college phenom than an aging legend with a
bendy-straw supporting his head.
It
really was the perfect storm: the bonus, the record, the neck, the pick, so
there really isn’t anyone for Colts fans to blame, right? … right????
WRONG!
The
Colts cut Manning because they want to rebuild and his $28 million bonus was
going to tie up a lot of their cap space.
The Colts need this cap space to sign good young players to build around
for the future.
The
reason the Colts want to rebuild is because they have the number one pick in
the draft, and Andrew Luck is the best college prospect since Peyton Manning
himself. If the Colts don’t
have the number one pick, they keep Manning.
WAIT,
the only reason the Colts have the number one pick is because they had the
worst record in the league last season (2-14).
But
the Colts wouldn’t have had the worst record in the league in Peyton had been
their quarterback last season.
And
why didn’t Peyton play? Because he was undergoing his fourth neck surgery and
couldn’t even through a football.
What
was that? You want to know how
Peyton’s neck got so fucked up in the first place? Well, long-time Colts coach Tony Dungy says that Peyton’s
chronic neck problems began with this hit by Phillip Daniels in 2006
against the Redskins.
So
Daniels is to blame for Peyton’s neck problems?
Hmmm…
wait a second, who was the defensive coordinator for the Redskins during the 2006-2007
season?
I’ll give you one hint: IT’S GREGG WILLIAMS!!!!!!
(BUM, BUM, BUM)
Yes, that Gregg Williams. The same Gregg Williams who is
currently under investigation by the NFL for setting up a bounty system. The
bounty system targeted opposing quarterbacks and offered fabulous cash prizes
to any player who could knock them out of the game.
Soooo… If Williams never set up a
bounty system, Phillip Daniels would never have taken a cheap shot at Peyton to
get the cash for the bounty,
which means Peyton’s neck would
never have been injured,
which means Peyton would never have
gotten those four surgeries,
which means Peyton would have
played in the 2011-2012 season,
which means the Colts never would
have went 2-14,
which means the Colts never would
have gotten the number one overall pick in the draft and committed to
rebuilding,
which means they would never have the
chance to draft Andrew Luck,
which means Peyton stays in
Indianapolis!!!!!!!!!
Ladies and Gentlemen we’ve got our
man!
Ever hear of the Butterfly
Effect? That shit’s real.
In short,
GREGG WILLIAMS BOUNTY SYSTEM = NO MORE
PEYTON IN INDY
Colts fans should set up a bounty
on Williams’ head for setting in motion the chain of events that ultimately led
to the face of their franchise being cut.
I
would write more, but I don’t want to tarnish the greatest human discovery of
the 21st Century (maybe ever).
I’d rank them 1.) Fire, 2.) Bacon, and 3.) Gregg Williams is
single-handedly responsible for dismantling the Colts franchise and getting
Peyton Manning cut.
Copyright it, trademark it, patent
it, send it to the presses, you heard it here first.
Shoutout
to Mona, B-Rod Skeet, Curb, and someone else who I know I’m forgetting
#DJLR
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