I walked into Lucas Oil Stadium at 2:35 exactly. I remember because on my way in, a man was
holding up a sign labeled “you Need
to Fear the Lord” arranged to look like the NFL insignia. I passed by and laughed at the
wittiness of the sign. The man
holding it asked me what I was laughing at. I said the sign.
He told me I was going to hell.
I told him that I was Jewish.
He told me I was going to the sixth circle. I told him Tebow would save me and walked into the
stadium.
It was the first time in my life that
I went from laughter to pure terror to laughter all within then seconds. Only at the Super Bowl.
Anyway, I got there at 2:35 and
left at around 11:00. I don’t
really know the exact time because I was so involved in the game and so elated
after the Giants’ victory that time really had no meaning to me. The eight-plus hours that I spent at
the stadium seemed like eight seconds.
As my friends and I were about to leave the stadium, I turned back and
soaked in the last few moments I had.
The field, the confetti, the moment; it was like I just won the Super
Bowl.
Anybody who truly cares about
sports knows what I’m talking about.
It’s the feeling that you get after watching a game that you fully
devoted yourself to. You are “all
in.” You cheer and cringe and praise
and criticize as if your emotion and your feedback will somehow influence the
outcome of the game. It’s just you
and the game. The only time that
matters is the time on the clock, and with each passing second you become more
and more enveloped by the field until it’s as if your entire life’s happiness
depends on the ensuing play.
That’s the paradox of sports in
general. They are simultaneously
the most important and the most inconsequential of events. You can tell yourself they don’t matter
all you want, but at the end of the day you still care. When your team wins
it’s the greatest feeling in the world, like all of your hard work paid off
even though your hard work consisted of sitting and watching. When your team loses it’s like somebody
sucker-punched you in the gut. You
are embarrassed to have given so much of yourself to the game and all you want
to do is bury yourself. You think
about all of the great things in your life but they don’t really console
you. When it comes down to it, you
still care.
The
elation that I felt after the game and the ensuing events inspired me to write
this fool-proof guide outlining how
to handle that moment when the clock hits zero, the final out is made, the
winning goal is scored, etc. and your team is on top of the world:
The 5 Steps to
Celebration:
1. The HUG:
Right as the game ends, jump up and give the person closest to you a
hug. It doesn’t matter who it
is. It could be your wife, your
kid, your brother, your mom, your rabbi, yourself, that random hobo at the bar,
it doesn’t matter. Wrap your arms
around something because you’re not
going to know what to do with your hands.
Don’t end up like Ricky Bobby. Hug somebody,
trust me.
HOT GIRL RULE: if
you’re watching the game next to a hot girl, when you jump up, cheer, and give
her a hug, try to kiss her on the cheek also. It’s the only time it’s going to happen so you might as well
give it a shot.
HOT GIRL RULE EXCEPTION:
if her boyfriend is there then don’t do it. Retain you dignity and don’t get the shit kicked out of you
on one of the greatest days of your life.
It won’t ruin the moment, but you might have to do your celebrating in a
wheelchair.
2. The HIGH-FIVE:
After you’ve finished your hugs, high-five every single person in the
vicinity. Your hand will start to
hurt after the 10th (depending on how much force you use), but suck
it up and finish your rounds. They
invented Advil for a reason.
HIGH-FIVE EXCEPTION:
you’ve been eating wings/ribs over the course of the game and your hands look like
you ran out of toilet paper in the bathroom and used your hand. Sorry for that graphic analogy, but
nobody wants to high-five, let alone touch, your grimy fingers, so do everybody
a favor and elbow-bump them instead.
3. The PHONE CALL
Call that one person who couldn’t watch the game with you. He had to go to a funeral or something,
but he got the game streaming on his phone and sacrificed being “politically
correct” to celebrate when they won.
You guys talk about the team constantly and, although you hold
conflicting views about what is best for the team from time to time, at the end
of the day you both love each other.
Savor the moment together because you’ll be talking about it for years
to come.
4. The SILENT PRAYER
Go to a secluded location (bathroom, bedroom, car, etc.) and take a
minute to silently Tebow. Thank
God or Allah or Jesus or Zeus or Kim Jong-il or whomever you believe in for
this glorious moment. It wouldn’t
have been possible without them.
ATHIEST EXCEPTION: stop being so
stuck-up and existential for three seconds and thank the greater workings of
the universe for the miracle that you have just witnessed. Enough with your scientific mumbo-jumbo
“I control my own destiny” bullshit.
Your team just won a title; stop being so selfish and give thanks God
damn it! (no pun intended), this may never happen again.
5. The BOAST
The final stage of proper celebration is bragging. Your team won and the other team
lost. It is now your job to
ridicule every person who was stupid enough to doubt your team and root for the
opposing one. A favorite line that
this weekend was “I always knew Brady swallowed, but I never knew he choked also.” It doesn’t have to be
original, it just has to be mean.
Anybody wearing the other team’s jersey is fair game. The more vulgar and immature, the
better, and as they scurry out of there, serenade them with the classic “Na Na
Na Na, Na Na Na Na, Hey, Hey, Hey, Goooood Byyyeee (you suck)!” chant.
BIG GUY EXCEPTION: if
there is a guy who looks pissed off and is big enough that he could feasibly
beat the shit out of you, steer clear.
Echoed from the HOT GIRL
EXCEPTION, nobody likes celebrating in a wheelchair. Pick on somebody who is much smaller
than your actual size.
Shout-out to myself for going 3 for 3 in playoff predictions and even getting the margin of victory right in the Super Bowl
#DJLR
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