Peyton
Manning’s neck (or lack thereof) is this week’s biggest story behind [insert
your favorite LIN name here]. Next
is Randy Moss coming back from the dead to announce his intention to play in
the 2012 season; then Mark Sanchez asking Santonio Holmes to be his Valentine
on Twitter and getting stone cold rejected; and last is Brett Favre’s dick pics. Just kidding, that was last year (although
I wouldn’t be surprised if he gave us a couple candid ones just so we know he’s
still out there).
But
back to Peyton and his play-dough neck.
I don’t know if any of you guys remember, but before the Peyton’s neck
went flaccid, he was a pretty good quarterback. He threw for almost 55,000 yards, 400 TDs, had a career QBR
of 94.9, won a Super Bowl, set a couple passing records, made Indianapolis more
than just a place where people go to experience a redneck cultural safari,
blah, blah, blah, you know the deal.
However, none of what Peyton did
matters if he can’t continue to do it. The fact of the matter is that Peyton can’t even look both
ways before he crosses the street, or at least that’s what Jim Irsay
thinks. The Colts have the number
one pick in the upcoming NFL draft, and everyone expects them to take the
undisputed Golden Boy 2.0: Andrew Luck (and they probably should… but that’s
for another post).
*Sidenote: is it just me or is Andrew Luck a bigger dweeb
than Peyton and Eli put together?
He’s just as awkward, has a scraggly beard of pubes, and talks like
somebody is permanently holding his nose.
If you don’t believe me listen to his interview after the Fiesta Bowl defeat. Talk about uncomfortable.
With Peyton most likely packing up
his neck-brace and moving on, that makes the Older Brother the most eligible
bachelor in the NFL. I sent Roger
Goodell a reality show idea for NFL Network entitled “Peyton’s Wild Ride.” Basically, it would be a spinoff of the Bachelor, with Peyton
as the Bachelor, and the 32 NFL team owners as the women the Bachelor has to
choose from. Goodell said he like
the idea, but eventually shut down the entire operation before we ever got
filming on the grounds that the title sounded too much like the name of a
porno.
Fear not, young believers, DJLR is doing some blog-on-blog-on-blog
analysis to see where Peyton’s Wild Ride should take him (not a porno!):
Peyton’s Wild Ride
Peyton’s Wild Ride
When selecting his ultimate
destination, Peyton should be looking for three things in prospective
teams:
1.)
Great
Offensive Line: Peyton is a delicate flower and needs to be treated as
such. In order for Peyton to be
effective he needs, first and foremost, a strong offensive line. The only things in worse shape than
Peyton’s neck are Peyton’s legs, which move like are weighed down by cement
blocks. Peyton can’t escape from
pressure well, but, at his age, he can’t be hit often either, which is why he
needs an established O-Line to protect him.
2.)
Ready
to Win NOW: Peyton isn’t getting any younger, and at this stage in his career
it’s all about the rings. He can’t afford to go to a team that is trying to
rebuild because he can’t sacrifice the fews years he has left as an elite
quarterback (if he even has any left at all). He needs to go to a team that will give him the best chance
to win now, as this year.
3.)
Coach
Without an Ego: Peyton is so good because he has complete control over
the Colts offense. He reads
defenses, audibles, and throws touchdowns. Peyton has to go to a team that will let him do all of these
things he did in Indianapolis that made him great. The coach of wherever Peyton ends up will have to give
Peyton total control over the offense, and do whatever it takes to make Peyton
feel comfortable. In order to do
this, the coach will have to put his pride to the side and forfeit the keys to
the offense to Number 18.
The Jets: The Sexy Girl with an Attitude
1. O-Line: 40 sacks in 2011 (20th
in league) - ehhhh
2. Win Now: 8-8 in 2011 with a good
defense (playoff team until late-season collapse due to bad play of, most
notably, QB Mark Sanchez) - YES
3. Coach W/O an Ego: Rex Ryan = Ego
the size of his stomach (which has been rumored to have its own orbit) - NOOOOOOO
Overall: The
Jets are the sexy destination for Peyton.
He would be in one of the biggest markets in the country, and would be
playing in the same stadium as his brother. The money the Manning Bros would make off of advertising
alone would be able to buy them a small island in the Caribbean with enough
left over to buy Peyton a new neck.
If Peyton could win the Jets a Super Bowl, it would be their first since
Joe Willy, and it would make Peyton immortal in New York. The only problem is the Jets will
always be in the shadow of their older, better-looking, more likable, more
talented, funnier, smarter, and all around better brother: The Giants.
But
back to the team, the Jets O-Line isn’t the best in the league, but it will
suffice. The sack stats are a
little inflated because Sanchez is notorious for taking sacks, and Rex Ryan
hasn’t run the ball since ‘Nam.
They are definitely ready to win now, but Rex Ryan is not the type of
person who would willingly sacrifice control over his offense to anyone. They may be able to make it work, but I
have my doubts.
The Redskins: The Ugly, Nice Girl
1. O-Line: 41 sacks in 2011 (21st
in league) - a little less than ehhhh
2. Win Now: 5-11 in 2011 (out of it
early, but in a competitive division and ironically beat the Giants twice) - ehhhhh
3. Coach W/O an Ego: Mike Shanahan
= very quarterback friendly coach without a huge ego - CHECK
Overall: The
Redskins are the ugly girl who has a great personality. On the surface she isn’t that
appealing, but once you get to know her she’s a really cool girl. I mean, who cares about looks? Beauty
is in the eye of the beholder, right? …right?!?
O-line
isn’t great, but they were playing with a Rex Grossman/John Beck combo, so
that’s gotta count for something.
They aren’t really built to win now, but if they can get a number one
wide receiver next to Santana Moss they could be a contender. The coach is the real seller though;
Mike Shanahan is a quarterback’s coach and a coach who would put his pride
aside to win.
The Dolphins:
The Ugly Girl that Tries to be Hot
1. O-Line: 52 sacks in 2011 (30th
in league) - SMH
2. Win Now: 6-10 in 2011 with an
underratedly good run defense (3rd in OPP Rush Yards, but 25th
in OPP Pass Yards) - ehhhhh
3. Coach W/O an Ego: Joe Philbin
(former Packers offensive coordinater) = New coach who was brought in to
improve offense but doesn’t have reputation to fight with Peyton over offensive
control- OOHH YEAH
Overall:
The Dolphins are the fat girl that tries to hide her ugliness by dressing
hot. She wears belly-shirts and
tight jeans, trying to run an explosive offense, but they only make her look
uglier. She tries to mask her
flaws with make-up (aka the Wildcat), but everybody sees through it and fake
being nice to her because they feel so bad.
An
O-line made out of Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Men would have
done better than the Dolphins. The
only bright spots in the Dolphin’s offense are Brandon Marshall and Reggie
Bush, but the new coach is both a blessing and a curse. Peyton would have control over the
offense, but the defense will have to learn new schemes and the team will have
to get used to a new coaching presence.
Not a great fit.
The Cardinals:
The Plain Girl
1. O-Line: 54 sacks in 2011 (31st
in league) - RADIOACTIVE
2. Win Now: 8-8 in 2011 in a bad
division minus the 49ers (also has good run game and good wide receivers) - ehhhhh
3. Coach W/O an Ego: Ken Whisenhunt
(mild-mannered coach, coming from a defensive oriented Steelers organization)- HELL YEAH
Overall:
There’s nothing really special about the Cardinals; they’re just kind of
there. Disgusting O-Line; capable
of winning now with Fitz and Beanie, but are in a recently tough division with
the 49ers; and their coach is as good as you can hope for. Who were we talking about again?
The Vikings: The Almost-Perfect Girl
1.
O-Line:
49 sacks in 2011 (27th in league, but inflated by McNabb/Ponder
duo) - BAD
2. Win Now: 3-13 in 2011 in the
best division in football (GREAT run game, good run defense, and solid wide
receivers) - GOOD
3. Coach W/O an Ego: Leslie Frazier
(another mild-mannered coach, coming off of his third year who is willing to
put his pride aside to win)- WOO-HOOO
Overall:
Alright, on the surface this girl may not seem like she’s perfect but she is,
trust me. She has he flaws, but
she’s human! Her bad offensive line isn’t her fault it’s genetic! They were
playing down most of the time, so they were bound to give up a lot of sacks. They are the epitome of winning now
with the best running back in the league (AP), solid wide receivers (Harvin and
possibly a Randy Moss homecoming?), and an underachieving Jared Allen-led
defense (ranked 11th in OPP Rush Yards, and 25th in OPP
Pass yards). Leslie Frazier is da
bomb aka the perfect type of coach to take on Peyton as a player… She is
perfect! (almost)…
Shoutout to Dairy Quinn, Greggy Slo, A-Bomb, Curb, D-Mir,
the Dark Lord, and Mikey Auch (That Hurt)
#DJLR
No comments:
Post a Comment