Peyton's Wild Ride

            Peyton Manning’s neck (or lack thereof) is this week’s biggest story behind [insert your favorite LIN name here].  Next is Randy Moss coming back from the dead to announce his intention to play in the 2012 season; then Mark Sanchez asking Santonio Holmes to be his Valentine on Twitter and getting stone cold rejected; and last is Brett Favre’s dick pics.  Just kidding, that was last year (although I wouldn’t be surprised if he gave us a couple candid ones just so we know he’s still out there).    

            But back to Peyton and his play-dough neck.  I don’t know if any of you guys remember, but before the Peyton’s neck went flaccid, he was a pretty good quarterback.  He threw for almost 55,000 yards, 400 TDs, had a career QBR of 94.9, won a Super Bowl, set a couple passing records, made Indianapolis more than just a place where people go to experience a redneck cultural safari, blah, blah, blah, you know the deal.

However, none of what Peyton did matters if he can’t continue to do it.  The fact of the matter is that Peyton can’t even look both ways before he crosses the street, or at least that’s what Jim Irsay thinks.  The Colts have the number one pick in the upcoming NFL draft, and everyone expects them to take the undisputed Golden Boy 2.0: Andrew Luck (and they probably should… but that’s for another post).

*Sidenote: is it just me or is Andrew Luck a bigger dweeb than Peyton and Eli put together?  He’s just as awkward, has a scraggly beard of pubes, and talks like somebody is permanently holding his nose.  If you don’t believe me listen to his interview after the Fiesta Bowl defeat.  Talk about uncomfortable. 

With Peyton most likely packing up his neck-brace and moving on, that makes the Older Brother the most eligible bachelor in the NFL.  I sent Roger Goodell a reality show idea for NFL Network entitled “Peyton’s Wild Ride.”  Basically, it would be a spinoff of the Bachelor, with Peyton as the Bachelor, and the 32 NFL team owners as the women the Bachelor has to choose from.  Goodell said he like the idea, but eventually shut down the entire operation before we ever got filming on the grounds that the title sounded too much like the name of a porno. 

 Fear not, young believers, DJLR is doing some blog-on-blog-on-blog analysis to see where Peyton’s Wild Ride should take him (not a porno!):


                                           Peyton’s Wild Ride

When selecting his ultimate destination, Peyton should be looking for three things in prospective teams:

1.)                    Great Offensive Line: Peyton is a delicate flower and needs to be treated as such.  In order for Peyton to be effective he needs, first and foremost, a strong offensive line.  The only things in worse shape than Peyton’s neck are Peyton’s legs, which move like are weighed down by cement blocks.  Peyton can’t escape from pressure well, but, at his age, he can’t be hit often either, which is why he needs an established O-Line to protect him. 

2.)                    Ready to Win NOW: Peyton isn’t getting any younger, and at this stage in his career it’s all about the rings. He can’t afford to go to a team that is trying to rebuild because he can’t sacrifice the fews years he has left as an elite quarterback (if he even has any left at all).  He needs to go to a team that will give him the best chance to win now, as this year. 

3.)                    Coach Without an Ego: Peyton is so good because he has complete control over the Colts offense.  He reads defenses, audibles, and throws touchdowns.  Peyton has to go to a team that will let him do all of these things he did in Indianapolis that made him great.  The coach of wherever Peyton ends up will have to give Peyton total control over the offense, and do whatever it takes to make Peyton feel comfortable.  In order to do this, the coach will have to put his pride to the side and forfeit the keys to the offense to Number 18. 

The Jets: The Sexy Girl with an Attitude

1.     O-Line: 40 sacks in 2011 (20^th in league) - ehhhh

2.     Win Now: 8-8 in 2011 with a good defense (playoff team until late-season collapse due to bad play of, most notably, QB Mark Sanchez) - YES 

3.     Coach W/O an Ego: Rex Ryan = Ego the size of his stomach (which has been rumored to have its own orbit) - NOOOOOOO 

Overall: The Jets are the sexy destination for Peyton.  He would be in one of the biggest markets in the country, and would be playing in the same stadium as his brother.  The money the Manning Bros would make off of advertising alone would be able to buy them a small island in the Caribbean with enough left over to buy Peyton a new neck.  If Peyton could win the Jets a Super Bowl, it would be their first since Joe Willy, and it would make Peyton immortal in New York.  The only problem is the Jets will always be in the shadow of their older, better-looking, more likable, more talented, funnier, smarter, and all around better brother: The Giants.

            But back to the team, the Jets O-Line isn’t the best in the league, but it will suffice.  The sack stats are a little inflated because Sanchez is notorious for taking sacks, and Rex Ryan hasn’t run the ball since ‘Nam.  They are definitely ready to win now, but Rex Ryan is not the type of person who would willingly sacrifice control over his offense to anyone.  They may be able to make it work, but I have my doubts. 

The Redskins: The Ugly, Nice Girl

1.     O-Line: 41 sacks in 2011 (21^st in league) - a little less than ehhhh

2.     Win Now: 5-11 in 2011 (out of it early, but in a competitive division and ironically beat the Giants twice) - ehhhhh

3.     Coach W/O an Ego: Mike Shanahan = very quarterback friendly coach without a huge ego - CHECK

Overall: The Redskins are the ugly girl who has a great personality.  On the surface she isn’t that appealing, but once you get to know her she’s a really cool girl.  I mean, who cares about looks? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, right? …right?!? 

            O-line isn’t great, but they were playing with a Rex Grossman/John Beck combo, so that’s gotta count for something.  They aren’t really built to win now, but if they can get a number one wide receiver next to Santana Moss they could be a contender.  The coach is the real seller though; Mike Shanahan is a quarterback’s coach and a coach who would put his pride aside to win.  

 

The Dolphins: The Ugly Girl that Tries to be Hot

 

1.     O-Line: 52 sacks in 2011 (30^th in league) - SMH

2.     Win Now: 6-10 in 2011 with an underratedly good run defense (3^rd in OPP Rush Yards, but 25^th in OPP Pass Yards) - ehhhhh

3.     Coach W/O an Ego: Joe Philbin (former Packers offensive coordinater) = New coach who was brought in to improve offense but doesn’t have reputation to fight with Peyton over offensive control- OOHH YEAH

Overall: The Dolphins are the fat girl that tries to hide her ugliness by dressing hot.  She wears belly-shirts and tight jeans, trying to run an explosive offense, but they only make her look uglier.  She tries to mask her flaws with make-up (aka the Wildcat), but everybody sees through it and fake being nice to her because they feel so bad. 

           

            An O-line made out of Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Men would have done better than the Dolphins.  The only bright spots in the Dolphin’s offense are Brandon Marshall and Reggie Bush, but the new coach is both a blessing and a curse.  Peyton would have control over the offense, but the defense will have to learn new schemes and the team will have to get used to a new coaching presence.  Not a great fit. 

The Cardinals: The Plain Girl

1.     O-Line: 54 sacks in 2011 (31^st in league) - RADIOACTIVE

2.     Win Now: 8-8 in 2011 in a bad division minus the 49ers (also has good run game and good wide receivers) - ehhhhh

3.     Coach W/O an Ego: Ken Whisenhunt (mild-mannered coach, coming from a defensive oriented Steelers organization)- HELL YEAH

Overall: There’s nothing really special about the Cardinals; they’re just kind of there.  Disgusting O-Line; capable of winning now with Fitz and Beanie, but are in a recently tough division with the 49ers; and their coach is as good as you can hope for.  Who were we talking about again? 

The Vikings: The Almost-Perfect Girl

1.     O-Line: 49 sacks in 2011 (27^th in league, but inflated by McNabb/Ponder duo) - BAD

2.     Win Now: 3-13 in 2011 in the best division in football (GREAT run game, good run defense, and solid wide receivers) - GOOD

3.     Coach W/O an Ego: Leslie Frazier (another mild-mannered coach, coming off of his third year who is willing to put his pride aside to win)- WOO-HOOO

Overall: Alright, on the surface this girl may not seem like she’s perfect but she is, trust me.  She has he flaws, but she’s human! Her bad offensive line isn’t her fault it’s genetic! They were playing down most of the time, so they were bound to give up a lot of sacks.  They are the epitome of winning now with the best running back in the league (AP), solid wide receivers (Harvin and possibly a Randy Moss homecoming?), and an underachieving Jared Allen-led defense (ranked 11^th in OPP Rush Yards, and 25^th in OPP Pass yards).  Leslie Frazier is da bomb aka the perfect type of coach to take on Peyton as a player… She is perfect! (almost)…

Shoutout to Dairy Quinn, Greggy Slo, A-Bomb, Curb, D-Mir, the Dark Lord, and Mikey Auch (That Hurt)

#DJLR