NFL MEGA-WEEK (Part 3): The Bucking Bronco

           As NFL MEGA-WEEK draws to a close, so too does the MEGA BLOG.  It’s been a good run, but sometimes time just isn’t on your side.  It seems like only yesterday that MEGA BLOG was just a baby blog: an innocent little blog with no idea of the blog-eat-blog that waited for it.

As Lil’ Weezy once said,

“And I be with my dog like a mothaf-cka hunt

Everyday of the week is the first of the month

Audemar Piguet with the diamonds in the face

Cant tell the time cause the diamonds in the face”

-       Lil Wayne, Ice Cream Paint Job

*sigh* Can’t tell time cause the diamonds in the face… It’s so true, you just can’t tell time with them diamonds in your face… Gets me every time. 

But enough nostalgia.  The MEGA BLOG is going out with a MEGA BANG, and by MEGA BANG I mean some real hardcore blog-on-blog-on-blog-on-MEGABLOG analysis. 

The Bucking Bronco

            Today is the one-week anniversary of Peyton Manning picking the Broncos as the team that is liable for his silly string neck. 

If you remember, we talked about Peyton’s possible destinations and the pros and cons that accompanied each situation by comparing them to beautiful (and not so beautiful) women in PEYTON’S WILD RIDE.  However, despite the fact that the column was hilariously funny and surprisingly entertaining, the three teams that actually made it to the Finals of the Peyton Sweepstakes were not discussed (shows how much I know).*

**Sidenote: Had those three teams been discussed, their personas would have been

TITANS: The High School Crush --- she’s seen better days, but you secretly loved her for so long in high school that how could you not hit that.

49ERS: The Busty Chick --- she’s big and busty… enough said

BRONCOS: The Girl With the Famous/Rich Dad --- she may not be the nicest/prettiest/down-to-earth girl, but her Dad is fucking loaded.  What’s the harm in dating her for a few months/years/rest of your life?**

            During his press conference, Peyton revealed that he ultimately chose the Broncos because it was the situation in which he felt most “comfortable.”  Peyton said he didn’t feel like the Niners or the Titans were the right fit, and he believed that the environment that he felt most comfortable in would ultimately be the most conducive to winning.  However, if you look closely at Elway during the press conference, you can vaguely make out the outline of a gun in his hand pointed at the back of Peyton. 

            Seriously though, on Sunday if you told me to rank the three teams in order from most likely to least likely to land Peyton, the Broncos would have been dead last.  I mean, if Peyton chose the Niners, he pretty much would have written himself a ticket to the Super Bowl.  Whatever John Elway told Peyton when they met must’ve had a really big impact on the way Peyton viewed himself and/or the Broncos’ franchise… it’s either that or Elway gives great head. 

            But the more I think about it, the more it makes sense.  The Broncos had the number one rushing attack last year (inflated by Tebow’s 122 rush attempts), a solid 9^th ranked O-Line in terms of sacks allowed, and a defensive-minded coach that won’t hesitate to give Peyton total control of the offense.  Oh and I almost forgot, they’re in a division with the Raiders, Chargers, and Chiefs (combined 2011 record 23-25) and won the division last year with an 8-8 record.

            And then, once I reconcile Peyton’s decision in my head, I remember that HE COULD’VE GONE TO THE 49ERS!!!!

            A quick comparison:

Rushing Attack

NINERS: Frank Gore (2011 – 1282 yards, 4.3 YPC)

BRONCOS: Knowshon Moreno/Willis McGahee (2011 combined -1336 yards, 4.8 YPC)

PUSH (slight edge Broncos, but in terms of consistency I would give it to Gore)

Defense

NINERS: 4^th in Total Defense (first in Rush D and second in Scoring D)

BRONCOS: 20^th in Total Defense (gave up 5 TD passes to Tom Brady in the Divisional Round of the playoffs… in one half)

Advantage NINERS

Receiving Options

NINERS: Vernon Davis, Michael Crabtree, Mario Manningham, Randy Moss

BRONCOS: Eric Decker, Demaryius Thomas

Advantage NINERS

Competitiveness

NINERS: 13-3 record (combined record of other teams in division 17-31)

BRONCOS: 8-8 record (combined record of other teams in division 23-35)

Advantage NINERS

Verdict

PEYTON + NINERS = SUPER BOWL XVII CHAMPIONS

The Broncos are a nice option for an upcoming quarterback who wants to make a name for himself in the NFL, but why in Tebow’s name would you choose them over the 49ers given the choice!?!?@?!!

I think Peyton’s neck brace has a screw loose.

Shoutout to Party Peter for introducing me to Ice Cream Paint Shop and to the MEGA BLOG… You will be missed

#DJLR

NFL MEGA-WEEK (Part 2): The Tebow Saga (Eclipsed)

            Oh, hey!  I didn’t see you there for a second.  Stop sneaking up on me like that… Seriously, it’s weird… Whatever, now that you’re here we can finally start the middle installment of the MEGA BLOG on the collection of days that has been appropriately dubbed NFL MEGA WEEK:

The Tebow Saga: Eclipsed

 

Yesterday while we were talking about bounty systems, fines, suspensions, pimp hands, and jimmies, everybody’s favorite Christian was booted from the Mile High City because Satan showed up… Sorry, I meant to say because Peyton showed up. 

Regardless, Tebow was traded to the Jets yesterday, and with this move the football-throwing missionary began the second chapter of his young NFL career: Exodus.

[cut to old Jewish rabbi laughing]

On Wednesday the Jets traded a 4^th and a 6^th round pick to the Broncos for a Tebow and a 7^th round pick.  The Broncos needed to clear Tebow’s locker to make room for Peyton Manning’s neck brace (more on that in Part 3) and the Jets were (and are) in need of some Easy-Bake/Instant/just-add-water Offense. 

On paper, this seems like a perfect trade for the Jets.  They get an electrifying player who doubles as a messiah for basically a box of cookies (shout out to Stephen A. Smith).  Their new offensive coordinator, Tony Sparano, literally invented the Wildcat offense in Miami, and now they have the epitome of a wildcat quarterback. 

On paper, Tebow gives the Jets depth in the quarterback position (no matter how bad both of those quarterbacks are) and provides a dramatic change of pace to the Jets’ offense and contrast to Sanchez during games. 

On paper, Tebow gives the Jets a moral leader in the locker room: somebody who is loyal, humble, and wants to win more than anything else. 

On paper, the Jets have a better chance to win with Tebow than they did without Tebow. 

ON PAPER, this is all true.  But sports aren’t played on a paper because if they were then the Knicks would be the best team in the NBA.**

**Sidenote: #WOODSANITY #ITSNOTASDIRTYASITSOUNDS #THEARGONFACTOR**

In reality, Tebow is just going to be another distraction for the already troubled Jets.  The Jets intend for Tebow to be a Brad Smith 2.0 and complement the leader of their offense, Sanchez.  But the problem with this scenario is that you can’t get Tebow without giving all of your fans a raging Tebowner. 

What happens when Mark Sanchez throws a pick in the first game of the season and you start hearing the “TEEEEEBOWWWW” chants all throughout the stadium?  What happens if the Jets start out slow under Sanchez and pressure on Rex Ryan and Tony Sparano to give the fans what they want swells?  Will they put Tebow in to quell the criticism or will they stand by Sanchez?

This is probably all Mark Sanchez was thinking about during the six-hour snag in trade negotiations, and he was praying that Tebow would land somewhere else.  The only problem is that all prayers go directly through Tebow, so praying against him is futile. 

Sanchez is the most fragile **cough**pussy**cough** quarterback in the league.  If you didn't get my excessive coughing, I'm not actually sick, Sanchez is pussy. After coming off an end of season collapse that bumped the Jets from the playoffs, #TEBOWTIME probably isn’t the best therapy for him. 

It’s one thing if the Jets traded for Tebow so that he could be their starting quarterback.  Tebow has made it clear that he wants to be a starting quarterback in the NFL, and, honestly, he played better than Sanchez last season.  They were both in the bottom five in QBR (Sanchez – 33.6, Tebow 27.2), but when you’re that low down, what’s the difference between 31^st and 29^th?  Tebow makes up for his atrocious passing with incredible running that opens up the field. 

Sanchez has the talent and potential to be a better overall quarterback than Tebow, but Tebow might give the Jets the best chance to win now.  I mean, the guy was 7-4 as a starter and beat the Steelers in the playoffs (not to mention he beat the Jets with a far less talented team).  Sanchez was 8-8… just saying. 

So if Tebow is the better option right now, then why was this a bad trade?  It was a bad trade because the Jets have openly committed to Mark Sanchez as their starting quarterback.  The psychological pressure that Tebow coming to New York brings is the worst possible thing for Sanchez’s game. 

Sanchez will and should be the starting quarterback for the duration of the season (barring injury or JaMarcus Russel-like performances), but there will always be that one fan yelling “TEBOWWWW” no matter how well Sanchez plays. 

However it plays out, all I know is that I’ll be watching it all with a big bucket of popcorn in one hand and a Bible in the other (just kidding about the Bible, unless Tebow starts winning again). 

Shoutout to Insta.gram (I just wish I knew how to use it…)

#DJLR

NFL MEGA-WEEK (Part 1): #bountyprblms

          When people talk about “March Madness,” they’re not usually referring to the NFL offseason; however, for some strange reason, the sports gods hate college basketball this year.  An NCAA Tournament with no shortage of upsets (15 Norfolk over 2 Mizzou AND 15 Lehigh over 2 Duke IN THE FIRST ROUND) is being overshadowed by moves-on-moves-on-moves by high-profile NFL players and suspensions-on-suspensions-on-suspensions handed out by Roger “Don’t Make Me Use My Pimp Hand” Goodell.

            Between Peyton choosing the Broncos, the sacrilegious (pun intended) trade-shopping of Tebow, and Roger Goodell handing out unprecedented punishments to the Saints’ organization for its bounty system, these three days are competing with the three days that God created light, dark, and the world for the most exciting collection of days in history. 

            This magnitude of stories is too much for one single blog post to handle.  If they are not treated with care, the stories are likely to snowblog into an entity so big that no blog could contain it, and it could deblogish the entire blogiverse!

 After assessing the gravity of the situation and undergoing countless hours of careful deliberation, the DJLR staff has come to the consensus that with this many stories there’s only one rational course of action to do: break dat bad boy up. 

            How do handle a MEGA WEEK in the NFL?  Oh my God, I’m so glad you asked!  Wait, you didn’t ask?  … Are you sure?  Shit, I always do that.  Whatever I’m gonna tell you anyway.  The only way to handle a MEGA WEEK is with a MEGA BLOG, of course!

So, without further ado, here is the first installment of a three-part MEGA BLOG about the NFL’s MEGA WEEK:

#bountyprblms

            Wednesday March 21, 2012 will go down in NFL history as “the day the Sean Payton got suspended for a year and the Saints lost all those draft picks” also known as “the day Saints crossed Roger Goodell.”**

**Sidenote: I think Goodell has entered the mythological Chuck Norris Zone of people whom it is socially acceptable to put into Chuck Norris jokes.  I don’t know exactly when or how this transition occurred, but all I know is that he’s there now.

Examples: “Roger Goodell counted to infinity… twice” or “They once made Roger Goodell toilet paper, but it wouldn’t take shit from anybody” or finally, “Roger Goodell’s tears cure cancer… too bad he’s never cried.”**

Remember the scene in The Other Guys when Will Ferrel relapses into his old pimp ways and yells, “GATOR’S BITCHES BETTER BE USING JIMMIES” to Eva Mendes?  In effect, that’s exactly what Goodell said with these punishments except the exact words would have been, “GOODELL’S BITCHES BETTER NOT BE USING BOUNTIES.” (for those of you who are unfamiliar with Gator, here is his inspiring success story)

The punishments (from the top down) are:

Saints – $500,000 fine and loss of 2012 and 2013 second round draft picks

Gregg Williams (Saints ex-defensive coordinator and ringleader of the bounty system) – suspended indefinitely

Sean Payton (Saints head coach) – suspended for 2012-13 NFL season (loses $7.5 million in salary money/longest suspension ever for a head coach)

Micky Loomis (Saints GM) – suspended for first 8 games of 2012 season

Joe Vitt (Saints assistant head coach) – suspended for first 6 games of 2012 season

(player suspensions/fines to be announced at a later date)

Holy shit.  You’d think that Williams, Payton, Loomis, and Vitt were running a prostitution ring inside of the Saints’ locker room with punishments that steep. 

According to Goodell, the reason why these penalties are so harsh is because “the infractions made were major infractions,” but in reality there are three major reasons why Goodella the Hun was forced to come down so hard on the Saints.

1.)   Increased Emphasis on Player Safety

Goodell and the NFL are currently facing no less than 60 lawsuits from ex-players, coaches, mascots, cheerleaders, etc. on the grounds that their irreversible brain damage is the result of a football career of hard hits to the head and incompetent medical staff.   

Goodell has made it clear that player safety is of the utmost importance to his administration.  The recently increased precaution taken with concussed players, the crack down on hits to defenseless players, and moving the kickoff up from the 30 to the 35-yard-line are all meant to decrease the likelihood of fatal/paralyzing collisions that could end a player’s career.  The Bounty System is literally the living embodiment of everything he has been working so hard to prevent.

2.)   The Saints lied to the NFL

The NFL actually investigated the bounty scandal 2010, and the Saints, along with every other team in the league, were explicitly told by Goodell that if this was going on to stop it.  Payton lied to Goodell and told his staff members to state false reports while the Saints continued to use the very system that Goodell explicitly forbid. 

It’s like if your mom walks into your room and tells you that you can’t watch anymore TV for the rest of the night, and you tell her that you aren’t watching TV and to leave you alone already because she’s like, suffocating you and you’re not five years old anymore.  In reality though, once she leaves you turn the TV back on.  The only problem is she walks into your room 20 minutes later because she forgot to kiss you goodnight and BAM! she sees Girls Gone Wild all over the TV screen.  You’re scarred for life and you’re grounded for even longer than you would have been if she had just caught you watching Girls Gone Wild because you lied to her.  Great job kid.

3.)   Bounty Systems Jeopardize the Integrity of the Game

Look, I get that football is inherently dangerous, but it’s just not right to go out with the mentality to injure. It happens all the time in sports, but its root is almost always spur of the moment anger.  In baseball, a pitcher might deliberately throw at a batter’s head because he was angry that the batter showed off after a previous homerun.  A basketball player might step on a player’s ankle (or face in Kevin Love’s case) because the other player has been pulling his jersey the whole game.

The difference is that these players are never encouraged to do this. The coach is supposed to epitomize what is right and what is wrong, acting as a sort of moral leader for his players.  If the coach is telling players that it is OK to go out there and try to injure the opponent then that coach can become a cancer to a team by instilling in his players a mentality that is harmful to the game as a whole.  If everybody tackled to injure nobody would want to play in the NFL.  By even allowing this system to go on in his locker room, Sean Payton was sending his players this very message. 

Goodell had to come down hard on the Saints because it effectively ended this system once and for all.  No team will ever be dumb enough to try this system after seeing how it ravaged the Saints’ organization and everyone who was involved.  The preservation of the integrity of the game is the most important element of this punishment, and it will trickle down from the NFL to college and below.

            Goodell needed to be this harsh and his pimp hand is as strong as ever.

Shoutout to Ricky Rozzay (doe)

#DJLR

D'Antoni's "Resignation"

            D’Antoni’s firing (which is what I am going to call it for the rest of the column because that’s what it was) can’t come as a surprise to anyone in New York.  He was 121-167 in four years as coach of the Knicks and only made the playoffs once.  The one time the Knicks did make the playoffs under D’Antoni, their Atlantic Division rival Celtics (led by a “Big Three” who looked more akin to the Golden Girls) sent them packing in embarrassing fashion.  The Celtics swept the Knicks out of the postseason, making New York fans believe it would have been less heartbreaking/humiliating to have just missed the playoffs altogether.  This picture says it all.

            Take away the Golden Age of the Lin Shu-How Dynasty, and this season the Knicks are 11-23.  11-23!  A .323 win percentage!?!  That’s (dare I say it?) New Jersey Nets status (current WIN% = .326).  How can a team with three Team USA finalists manage to suck so bad that a rookie point guard out of Harvard who was bounced around from three different teams have to come to their rescue?*

**Sidenote: I would go so far as to say that people in New York admire Jeremy Lin as much as Kim Jong-Un scares people into admiring him in North Korea**

            Contributing to the Knicks’ poor performance was abysmal defense.  In his four years as the team’s head coach, the Knicks gave up almost 104 PPG (only Minnesota gave up more over that span).  But on the other side of the ball the Knicks scored about 102.3 PPG.  As I said before, D’Antoni is not incompetent as a coach; he is an offensive savant who will make a great assistant coach somewhere.

Despite ripping on D’Antoni in my previous three and a half paragraphs, I’m not going to go so far as to say that D’Antoni’s “resignation” is solely his fault.  Before the Carmelo trade last season, D’Antoni was proving that his system can work going into the All-Star break with a 28-26 record (not great, but getting there), and we saw glimpses of it again this season with Jeremy Lin. 

His firing is a combination of his not being able to make Melo and Amar’e play well on the same line, not getting on his players to play defense, and not getting his star players to believe in his run-and-gun system. 

Some people say D’Antoni’s firing is Carmelo’s fault, and this is half true.  The Knicks were finally developing some chemistry before the trade for Melo last season and a mid-season roster overhaul destroyed all of the chemistry that D’Antoni worked so hard to create, so indirectly it is Melo’s fault

In a more direct sense, D’Antoni was fired because Melo wasn’t on board with what he was doing, which turned the Knicks’ locker room against him.  If a coach can’t get his star player to buy into what he is doing, he has, in effect, lost his right to coach.  We learned last season with Deron Williams and Jerry Sloan in Utah that if your star player isn’t on board, you may as well jump ship.

**Another Sidenote: Wouldn’t everything just be easier if we went back to the days of Bill Russell player-coaching the Celtics to the ’68 and ’69 championships?  Imagine Coach Melo, during a timeout saying, “Listen guys, how many times do I have to say it? Just give me the ball in isolation on the right wing and let me do what I do.  The other four of you just stand near the paint and get the ball if I miss.  Now, Jeremy and Baron, Rock-Paper-Scissors for who gets to play point.”**

If you talked to every New York basketball fan who follows the Knicks, I’d say that about 33% of them would have said that the biggest problem with the team was Carmelo, 50% of them would have said it was D’Antoni, 10% would have said it was Amar’e’s knees, 5% would have said it was the Baron Davis/Jeremy Lin turnover frenzies, and 2% would have said it was Tyson Chandler’s hobo beard (which he recently shaved so stay tuned on what effect that has).  

The Knicks addressed a problem now (D’Antoni) that they should have handled this off-season. People forget that the Knicks CAN STILL MAKE THE PLAYOFFS AND POSSIBLY WIN.  They fired D’Antoni too early and may have sacrificed their season because of it.  Unless Mike Woodson is the second coming of Phil Jackson, Melo and Amar’e go back to college and take Chemistry 101, or the Knicks give the ball to Steve Novak every possession and let him take threes (because he is that good), I can’t imagine the Knicks making it out of the first round. 

Linsanity actually hurt the Knicks in terms of coaching.  If Lin had never shaken up MSG and given New York hope in D'Antoni and his system, D'Antoni probably would have been out before the All-Star break, giving the Knicks more time to adjust to new coaching.

Now they're in that awkward stage with only 24 games left in the season: not enough time to hire a new coach altogether, but not enough time for the team to gel under an interim coach, especially in a lockout-shortened season.  It's like at the end of a first date: too soon to kiss, but you want to do more than just hug, so you end up going for a kiss and then halfway think, "no, it's too soon" and end up in a type of awkward lean-hug with asses out and hope for the best.  

However, I could be eating my words very soon because as I am writing this the Knicks are beating the Trail Blazers by 22, so if the Knicks do make a run in the playoffs forget I said any of this, OK?

Here is your Mike Woodson throwback mustache of the day:

I usually take this time to shoutout someone/something that I like or enjoy, but instead I am using it to call out Clyde Frazier.  If you say "swiss cheese defense" one more time I am going to watch Knicks games on mute until you are fired... and stop saying "serendipitous"

#DJLR

The Five Steps to Bracketology

           March Madness is probably the most fun event in all of sports for the sole reason that nobody has a fucking clue who is going to win.  There’s some sort of sick-sadistic-down-with-one-percent fun in watching a powerhouse team like Kentucky have all of their hard work during the regular-season evaporate in a 40 minute game against a team from Conference USA. 

            Now, don’t get me wrong.  I’m not one of those “WE ARE THE 99%! Let’s occupy [insert busy place here] to make the lives of thousands of people more difficult until we’re not homeless anymore, but in the meantime let’s hold hands and sing Koombaya” type of people (sorry, I’ve been watching too much Daily Show).  I just love these four weeks of high-stakes winner-take-all games and the Cinderella stories.

     The reason why March Madness is so popular is because its structure is so conducive for these “Cinderella stories:” 

·      No home-field advantage?  Check. 

·      A shit load of potential Cinderellas? Check 48 times. In 2010, Butler (a five seed) made it to the finals against Duke and newspapers called it David versus Goliath. 

·      Every team plays the same number of games? Check*

*This is a Barry Bonds check because there is that stupid play-in game that nobody ever cares about/watches to see who plays the number one seed, but whatever.

·      Players that aren’t motivated by money/contracts, but for the love of the game? Check.

America loves underdogs (I’ve used every possible Microsoft Word emphasis on “love” and I still can’t stress that enough).  Beetlejuice’s spelling is more accurate than Tebow’s arm, and that’s why people love him!  We know Tebow can’t throw; experts say he can’t win, but he still wins.  America eats that up every time.  “Who cares about skill? Hard work and determination! That’s the American way!” (not to be confused with Charlie Manuel’s American System).

Back to March Madness.  Now that the regular season and the conference tournaments are over (finally), we can get down to what everybody really cares about.  BRACKETOLOGY!

Everybody does a bracket, and DJLR is about to show you a foolproof BLOG-on-BRACKET-on-BLOG guide so that you can pick a perfect bracket.

STEP 1: STAY AS FAR AWAY FROM COLLEGE BASKETBALL UNTIL MARCH MADNESS BEGINS

This one might be a little too late for some of you, but there’s always next year.

The farther away you are from college basketball, the better your bracket will be.  Last year, Dick Vitale’s bracket was in the 21^st percentile. President Obama’s was in the 85^th percentile.  Henry Hasselbeck’s (Matt Hasselback’s 5-year-old son) was in the 93^rd percentile.

Notice a trend?  The farther away you are from the regular season, the better.  College basketball analysts have the easiest jobs in the world.  Just pick a bunch of teams randomly and hope you get it right, but if you don’t it’s not a big deal because any team can win any game because the bracket itself is inherently unpredictable.  Why does ESPN pay them again? 

(Cut to Jay Bilas death stare straight into your soul)

On second thought, college basketball analysts are the best!

STEP 2: MAKE A BUNCH OF BRACKETS

            You have to give yourself options otherwise you’ll never be successful.  Make one using only your left hand to pick teams.  Make one using only your feet.  Make one in Arabic.  Give the computer to your goldfish and let him pick for you. 

            Make as many brackets as possible and only show the one that does best.  It will make you look cooler in the eyes of your friends and family (but your goldfish will always know…)

      STEP 3: DO NOT PUT ONLY NUMBER ONE SEEDS IN THE FINAL FOUR 

      How many people do you think put all of the number one seeds in the Final Four?  Well, I don’t know either, but a bunch.  If you put all of the number one seeds in the Final Four you WILL look stupid. 

Don’t give me that “Oh, its reverse psychology, nobody will pick them because they think everybody else is picking them. The money is mine!”  You just sound stupid.  Also, don’t give me any, “No, TRUST me.  I did research; these teams are the best and I can prove it!” either.  Of course they’re the best, they’re the number one seed for a reason, and the fact that you did research makes you an idiot, which leads us to the next step. 

STEP 4: DO NOT DO RESEARCH

It’s simple, just don’t do it.  Stay above the influence.  I know it’s tempting: ESPN has those little pop-out quick facts next to every team when you’re choosing your bracket.  Just resist the temptation and go on with your day.  Research will only hurt your bracket in the long run.  It may be all fun and games now, but it WILL catch up with you and you will regret it.  One research leads to another and soon you’re up to your balls in box scores and statistics and you’re not even done with the first round.

Trust me, I had a friend who did research and he was never the same.  Never the same…

STEP 5: DO NOT INDULGE IN PREMATURE BRAG-BRACKETATION

            The final step is not to get excited and brag too early.  I know it might be tempting to go showing off your bracket after you get the first couple of games right, but trust me, it’s not worth it.  Those people are going to remember that you bragged and when Kentucky goes out to UConn in the second round and you had them winning it all, they will be sure to let you know that you suck. 

            It’s much better if you just sit back and wait for your bracket to blossom.  Then you strike.  And even on the off chance that your bracket doesn’t pan out, who cares?  Make fun of the people that did prematurely brag-brackulate and if they ask how your bracket did just say that your goldfish picked it for you.  Always gotta leave your options open. 

Shoutout to Doey G because I forgot him in the last one

#DJLR

            

The Breakup

           Today Jim Irsay and the Indianapolis Colts broke up with long time quarterback Peyton Manning. Irsay didn’t give details about the reason behind the break up, only that “the circumstances were too difficult to overcome,” but NFL Insider Chris Mortenson reports that “bad sex” is what really ended this 14-year marriage.

            In the press conference, Irsay made it seem like it was a mutual breakup.  He used phrases like “we tried to put each other in each other’s shoes” and “it was unavoidable” and “we both wanted to be together” and “Oh my God, I’ve had the old bull and now I want the young calf” (grabs Andrew Luck by the wiener).  However, in reality it was a classic “it’s not you, it’s me! (but it is kind of you also)” breakup. 

            After losing 14 games last season, the Colts are committed to rebuilding, and they’d rather rebuild around a 22-year-old college phenom than an aging legend with a bendy-straw supporting his head. 

            It really was the perfect storm: the bonus, the record, the neck, the pick, so there really isn’t anyone for Colts fans to blame, right? … right????

WRONG!

            The Colts cut Manning because they want to rebuild and his $28 million bonus was going to tie up a lot of their cap space.  The Colts need this cap space to sign good young players to build around for the future.

            The reason the Colts want to rebuild is because they have the number one pick in the draft, and Andrew Luck is the best college prospect since Peyton Manning himself.   If the Colts don’t have the number one pick, they keep Manning. 

            WAIT, the only reason the Colts have the number one pick is because they had the worst record in the league last season (2-14). 

            But the Colts wouldn’t have had the worst record in the league in Peyton had been their quarterback last season.

            And why didn’t Peyton play? Because he was undergoing his fourth neck surgery and couldn’t even through a football.

            What was that?  You want to know how Peyton’s neck got so fucked up in the first place?  Well, long-time Colts coach Tony Dungy says that Peyton’s chronic neck problems began with this hit by Phillip Daniels in 2006 against the Redskins. 

            So Daniels is to blame for Peyton’s neck problems?

            Hmmm… wait a second, who was the defensive coordinator for the Redskins during the 2006-2007 season?

 I’ll give you one hint: IT’S GREGG WILLIAMS!!!!!!

(BUM, BUM, BUM)

Yes, that Gregg Williams.  The same Gregg Williams who is currently under investigation by the NFL for setting up a bounty system. The bounty system targeted opposing quarterbacks and offered fabulous cash prizes to any player who could knock them out of the game.

Soooo… If Williams never set up a bounty system, Phillip Daniels would never have taken a cheap shot at Peyton to get the cash for the bounty,

which means Peyton’s neck would never have been injured,

which means Peyton would never have gotten those four surgeries,

which means Peyton would have played in the 2011-2012 season,

which means the Colts never would have went 2-14,

which means the Colts never would have gotten the number one overall pick in the draft and committed to rebuilding,

which means they would never have the chance to draft Andrew Luck,

which means Peyton stays in Indianapolis!!!!!!!!!

Ladies and Gentlemen we’ve got our man!

Ever hear of the Butterfly Effect?  That shit’s real.

In short,

GREGG WILLIAMS BOUNTY SYSTEM = NO MORE PEYTON IN INDY

Colts fans should set up a bounty on Williams’ head for setting in motion the chain of events that ultimately led to the face of their franchise being cut.   

            I would write more, but I don’t want to tarnish the greatest human discovery of the 21^st Century (maybe ever).  I’d rank them 1.) Fire, 2.) Bacon, and 3.) Gregg Williams is single-handedly responsible for dismantling the Colts franchise and getting Peyton Manning cut.

Copyright it, trademark it, patent it, send it to the presses, you heard it here first. 

Shoutout to Mona, B-Rod Skeet, Curb, and someone else who I know I’m forgetting

#DJLR

The New MLB Playoff Picture

The new baseball playoff format has been stirring up some controversy since it was announced yesterday.  Instead of the traditional eight team playoff structure, baseball has decided to change it to a ten team format with two wild cards.  The two wild cards in each league would play a one-game-winner-take-all-sudden-death-fight-to-the-death showdown to see who would play the number one seed in the Divisional Round. 

This new format has players and managers across the league (mostly from the best teams in the league) extremely upset.

One such critic is Phillies manager Charlie Manuel who said, “It’s hard to swallow sometimes if you play all year and win a lot of games and somebody who did not play as good as you consistently all year gets in and wins… for me, personally, you shouldn’t get nothing for second or third. That’s the American system.”

First of all, nice double negative right there, Charlie: “shouldn’t get nothing.” Does that mean they should get something.  Or should they just not get nothing?  It’s more than nothing… but less than something.  Hmmmm.

Anyway, Charlie, it seems like your “American System” is the “Whatever Is Best For The Phillies System.”  I don’t blame you for wanting what’s best for your team, its your job; just don’t label it the American System.  You know how you solve the problem of the new playoff format?  Win your division. 

Another critic of the new playoffs is Red Sox DH David Ortíz (aka Big Sloppí aka the Dirty Pumpkin)* I’m not going to quote him because it’s probably unintelligible, but just know that he doesn’t like it.  I find this interesting in light of the Red Sox’s historic collapse just a season ago because if this format was in place then the Red Sox would have made the playoffs and the collapse would not have been historic. 

*SIDENOTE: this is the first of many unprovoked attacks at David Ortíz.  He is the Chris Bosh of the MLB.  Kevin Youkilis isn’t far behind.

A widespread grievance about the new system is “OMG! It would be like super unfair if a team who won 92 games had to play a team that only won 88 games in a one game playoff! What about that four game difference?!? It’s like the regular season doesn’t even matter!” 

…

(thinking)

…

(still thinking)

…

Wait, what?

This is the worst argument I have heard.  Wouldn’t it kind of be like last year when the 102-win Phillies lost to the 90-win Cardinals in the Divisional Round?  Or maybe like any playoff upset ever? You don’t give the winner of the regular season the World Series Trophy.  The best regular season team doesn't always win the championship: THAT'S SPORTS.  They have to work for it like everybody else, and most of the critics of this system are the teams that are vying for that regular season title. 

It seems to me that this new baseball playoff format is kind of like taxes.  The wealthy don’t want to pay higher taxes just because they make more money.  If it were up to them, there would be no taxes on people who made the most money.  The rest of the world wants the wealthy to pay higher taxes so that they can shrink the wealth gap. 

Same with baseball.  The top teams want to have as little playoffs as possible.  They want to win the division and only have to face two teams to win the World Series.  The rest of the league wants more playoffs so that they can finally have a shot to win the Series.  VIVA LA 99%!

Personally, I love the new playoff structure.  The only time people actually give a shit about baseball’s regular season is in September, and that’s only when there are close division/wild-card races.  Now more teams will be in the hunt for longer and the middle of the pack teams will finally get involved. 

I also like it because it means that we can have more variety in the playoffs.  I’m sick of watching the Yankees-Angels series every year. The new playoff format means teams like the Reds and the Brewers and the Rockies will be more regular contenders and we may even see the first third place team win the World Series. 

The only thing I don’t like is the new Divisional format of two away games first and then three home games for the number one seed.  The divisional series usually doesn’t go to five games and it seems like a disadvantage for the one seed.

DISCLAIMER: This opinion does not stem from Charlie Manuel’s “American System” aka what I want for my team.  I’m not a Met’s fan (thank Tebow).  I’m a Yankees fan.  This format can only be bad for the Yankees who are in baseball’s 1% with the Phillies and who can potentially be one and done in the playoffs because of the format. 

But baseball didn’t go far enough.  Ten playoff teams are nice, but 16 playoff teams are better.  Baseball should expand its playoffs even more to be like college basketball’s March Madness and call it Fall Ball Insanity (FBI for short).  Who cares about the regular season anyway? 

FBI would consist of sixteen teams in total, the eight best from the NL and eight best from the AL.  These teams would be seeded according to regular season record, and play two rounds of one-game elimination to narrow the field down to four teams.  There would be no home field, just two regions for each league.  Once we have four teams left, it goes back to the traditional best of seven formats to compete for each respective pennant and the World Series.  

Throw in some cheerleaders, a couple of 7^th inning concerts, and a bracketology competition and you’ve got yourself one entertaining fall.  Ratings would be higher than ever before and the MLB would make a killing on FBI merchandise.

It’s unrealistic, I know, but can you imagine?  We could have an Indians-Mariners ALCS!  It gives more teams a chance to make the playoffs and it will get more people interested in baseball’s routinely boring playoffs. 

The MLB needs a makeover to make more people more involved, but they are at least heading in the right direction.

Shoutout to the makers of Amy’s Frozen Pizza.  I don’t know who you are, but you sure make one helluva frozen pizza

            

#DJLR