Disney Princesses in Sports

            With the Stanley Cup Playoffs in full effect, it’s understandable that people don’t seem that excited about the NBA.  Don’t worry, I don’t blame you.  The NHL Playoffs are like cocaine, and three Game Sevens over the course of two nights is the equivalent to stumbling upon Tony Montana’s Colombian Cocaine Kingdom from Scarface (except nobody gets strangled out of a helicopter).*

**Sidenote: I know, a sidenote this early?  Yeah, deal with it.  Anyway, if you have a friend struggling with a cocaine addiction, invite him over to watch a Stanley Cup Playoffs Game Seven for a team that he is a fan of.  It might take some timing, but it’ll happen (unless he’s an Islanders fan… in which case he’s fucked).  I guarantee that by the time the third period starts, cocaine will be the farthest thing from his mind.  He’ll be sitting 0.3 inches away from the TV screen, sweating profusely, breathing heavily, and yelping every time someone takes a shot… On second thought, you might want to have him watch in the guest room…**

            Enough with all this drug talk.  What are you, an addict?  Stop it.  Now, back to the NBA.  The Association hasn’t really been putting up a fight to keep its viewers watching these past couple of days.  I mean, the only “relevant” storyline is the Bobcats tanking like they’re in World War I.  Everybody has known who the playoffs teams are for days, if not weeks (even my Knicks clinched like five days ago), the seeding is pretty much set, Pop has been resting the Spurs starters since the All Star Break, and there are only so many ways to make Metta World Peace-elbow jokes.*

**My tweet after it happened:

@KittyKatzMcGoo: Metta tomahawks Harden and the future of World Peace looks bleak... #DJLR

(Yes, embarrassingly enough, that is my real twitter name, and yes, I actually did hashtag DJLR)**

            The playoffs can’t come soon enough.  We could break down every single first round matchup, talk about what the Knicks have to do to beat the Heat, discuss why not going for home court in the first round will come back to haunt the Celtics, and preform an in-depth breakdown of what’s more painful to watch: The Shining or a Bobcats-Wizards game, but that would take too long and 99% of you would probably stop reading after this sentence (thanks Mom and Dad).  Soooo, DJLR has decided to do something a little more kid-friendly:

Disney Princesses In Sports

            In case you can’t read script (like me until the 11^th grade) or you’re just in disbelief staring at the screen, the title says “Disney Princesses in Sports.”  No, this is not a typo.  You know how when a huge underdog makes an unlikely run in the playoffs they are called a “Cinderella” team?  Well that got us to thinking, why don’t we use other Disney Princesses to label teams in unique sports situations?  Well, we couldn’t find a good reason, so here are just a couple of Disney Princess labels:

Cinderella:

Classic Cinderella.  Everybody knows the deal.  Team that nobody expects comes out of the blue to upset a heavy favorite, and makes an unlikely run in the playoffs.  The franchise doesn’t have any true marquee players, but for some reason they’re really gelling as a team right now.  On most occasions, the glass slipper breaks and the team’s story is cut short along the way, but a true Cinderella makes it to the Finals and wins in thrilling fashion.  The Cinderella is normally from a small market, but a big market team that has been perennially bad can also qualify (ex: Mets, Islanders). 

Alternative Names: David (in David vs. Goliath), Underdog Ursula

Common Quotations Regarding Team’s Victory:

“It’s a MIRACLE!”

“You can’t be serious.”

“Who the fuck is [insert Cinderella here]?!?!”

Examples in History: 1980 USA Olympic Hockey Team

Examples in 2012 NBA Playoffs (if they win): Philadelphia 76ers, Utah Jazz

Ariel:

Now we move on to Ariel from The Little Mermaid.  Ariel desperately wanted to be human, but sadly, she was born as some freakish half-fish half-human hybrid.  I’ve been hearing rumors saying that she dies at the end, but that’s not the Little Mermaid I remember, so eff dat.  How does this relate to sports?  Well, an “Ariel” is a team that plays well one way, but desperately tries to play another way and they suck.  The team always loses because they try to be something they’re not, and this dooms their chances.

Alternative Names: Changing Charlotte, Identity-Crisis Iris

Common Quotations Regarding Team’s Play:

“What are they doing?!?”

“Stop messing around and play!”

“This isn’t the same team I’ve been watching all season.”

Examples in History: 2011 New York Jets (second half of season)

Examples in 2012 NBA Playoffs: Los Angeles Lakers (when they don’t give the ball to Kobe)

Sleeping Beauty:

            Ahh, Sleeping Beauty.  Sleeping Beauty is asleep for most of her movie, so I don’t know why she’s so popular.  The name in sports really has nothing to do with the movie, but rather about the name itself.  Sleeping Beauties have the potential to be great, and have moments of greatness; however, they currently are in a winning slumber.  Everyone is afraid of them because they know that they could wake up at any time, but as of now they aren’t going anywhere.  Her talent is visible; she’s just not awake so it’s a little weird.

Alternative Names: Potential Patty, Scary-Team-To-Play Stephanie

Common Quotations Regarding Team’s Play:

“They’ve got potential.”

“I wouldn’t want to see them in the playoffs”

“JUST WAKE UP ALREADY.”

Examples in History: 2011 Philadelphia Eagles

Examples in 2012 NBA Playoffs: New York Knicks

Mulan:

            Ohhhh you forgot about Mulan, didn’t you?  That’s the point.  Mulan was a freaking great movie, except nobody talks about her anymore.  Mulan is a badass warrior princess who is the only one of the Disney princess who actually fights for what she wants.  She also has a witty fire-breathing dragon named Mushu as a sidekick!! It gets me choked up just thinking about it.  Anyway, a Mulan is a team that has flown under the radar, but is still really good and teams realize this once they face them. 

Alternative Names: Underrated Uma

Common Quotations Regarding Team’s Play:

“Wow, I didn’t know these guys were that good.”

“Where have they been all year?”

“Shit, I picked against them in my fantasy bracket…”

Examples in History: 2011 Dallas Mavericks

Examples in 2012 NBA Playoffs: Memphis Grizzlies (before everybody realized they were a Mulan)

            Weird how Disney created these characters to fit so perfectly for sports… that or maybe I’m just taking this a little too far…

Shoutout to NYR and MSG

#DJLR

My Newfound Appreciation for Hockey

Let’s be honest for a second: I used to hate hockey.  Seriously, like, absolutely despise it. I’d actually told my friends that day I did a hockey column was the day I’d do 100 pushups with a midget on my back.  If I ever made an ESPN 30 for 30 entitled True Life: These Sports Suck Dick (a Spike Lee joint) the list from really bad to unwatchable would go:

            5. Lumberjacking

            4. Bass Fishing

            3. Bowling

            2. Hockey

            1. NASCAR

I didn’t hate the game itself because I never really watched it; I just hated how much time it took up in SportsCenter.  At least ESPN respected the fact that lumberjacking, fishing, bowling, and (most of the time) NASCAR were incapable of producing highlights, and thus, should not be talked about ever, but hockey was a different story.  I would turn on ESPN when I got home from practice or an SAT class, anxious to see highlights from the Knicks game that I missed, and on the side bar there was nothing but “Bruins vs. Flyers,” “Penguins vs. Rangers,” “Latest on Sidney Crosby’s Inflamed Vagina,” with Knicks highlights nowhere to be seen.

I thought when Matthew Barnaby got fired after almost beating his wife and getting a DUI, ESPN would drop their little “hockey project.”  However, this somehow made things even worse.  The hockey highlights kept coming, and Barry Melrose realized, “Hey, now that Barnaby is gone I’ve got this whole hockey highlight job to myself!  Why don’t I wear uglier suits, double the hair gel, and act uncomfortably creepy towards all of the female SC Top 10 Highlights interns? What is ESPN gonna do, eh? I’m the only option they’ve got!”

#staycreepin

Hockey just started to get bigger and bigger until finally… BOOM.  Playoff hockey.  Now that the Rangers are finally relevant again, the New York’s attitude towards the sport has changed accordingly and the spotlight has shifted.  I couldn’t even go to my friends’ houses without them popping in NHL 12 or showing of their new Boyle jersey.  

Finally, I caved.  My dad had been a Rangers fan all his life, and, as if by the work of the hockey gods (to whom I was atheist towards until recently), I found a signed Brian Leetch stick while looking for a sweatshirt in my closet… how it got there, I’ll never know.  Anyway, all of these Rangers omens (and the fact that the Islanders* weren’t good enough to make the playoffs) prompted me to become a Ranger fan. 

**Sidenote: One of the worst sports team names ever; up there with the UC-Santa Cruz Banana Slugs, the Webster University Gorlocks, and the Butte Pirates… It’s a high school team… You just can’t make this shit up.**

I watched Game 3 of the Rangers’ Round One series against the Senators with a semi-open mind, like you’re listening to a story that your unfunny friend is telling you.  He starts off “Dude, the fuuuuniest thing just happened to me…” so you hope that it’s good because you don’t want to get bored, but at the same time it’s your unfunny friend… how funny could it actually be?  Well in this case “the fuuuuuuniest thing” that just happened to your unfunny friend turns out to be the funniest thing you’ve heard since Ethan Albright’s letter to John Madden.

This was my beginning of my love affair with hockey.  I started watching the Rangers game during the first period and couldn’t turn it off until I had finished three repeats of the postgame show.  It was just sooo entertaining.  I couldn’t relax at all.  Even the commercials were stressful.  The fast pace, the shots, the fights, the power plays, the losing track of where the puck is, the elation after a Ranger goal… it was insane!!!! The tension was the same as being on a very slow ascent to the top of a super tall roller coaster and every goal was like going down the coaster.  If your team scores it’s the greatest ride of your life, but if the other team scores it’s like you threw up on the way down just as the snap Coaster Cam took your picture. 

Looking back, I don’t know how I could ever have hated hockey as much as I did. I mean, it has the tactical importance of soccer, but instead of lightweight runners on a field, it’s freakishly big/athletic football players on ice.  Oh and did I mention that fighting is technically “legal” and doesn’t result in suspensions?  To top it all off, most of the postgame interviews with players sound like Soviet KGB interrogations. 

Reporter: “So, Alex, how do you feel about tonight’s win?”

Ovechkin: “Tonight’s victory was very pleasing to me and my team.  I am look forward to next game, as well as future goal of championship.  Now come Olaf, we have much Uranium to find.  Transmission terminated.”

                       

I can’t believe how long I’ve been missing this… Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a midget to find.

Shoutout to Chizzy Bang for the tix to watch the Devils lose, B-Rod Skeeter, and Heiny Lund

#DJLR

Let's CaliPARTY!

            People have called John Calipari a fake.  A cheater.  A low-life.  An asshole.  A sell-out.  But what you can’t call him is a bad coach.  When Calipari’s Wildcats beat KU in the NCAA Tournament Finals, he dispelled all criticisms that he couldn’t win big games. 

            On paper it doesn’t seem like Calipari had much to do with it because Kentucky had the best frontcourt of the past decade with Anthony Davis, Michael Kidd-Gilchrist, and Anthony Davis’ unibrow.  Every time they played, UK defined what it meant to be “in a different league” than an opponent, like they were in on a basketball secret that no other team even knew existed.*

**Sidenote: I don’t care what anybody says, after watching last night’s Wizards-Bobcats game there is no doubt in my mind that Kentucky would beat the Bobcats… handily**

            But what doesn’t get the publicity is the work that goes into making that team.  If recruiting is cool then consider Calipari Miles Davis.  Old school coaches (aka Bob Knight) hate Calipari because he makes a living with the very thing they despise: one-and-dones. 

Back in the day, coaches like Knight created great basketball teams with good players.  The team was its own amorphous entity that the players were taught to respect and hold above everything else.  It was like a typical Mighty Ducks movie.  Individually the players weren’t that good, but thanks to coaching, heart, courage, and just a touch of luck, they were able to make their wildest dreams come true!

But if you watched the Mighty Ducks movies past the credits and all of the bad sequels, you’d see this great team break apart in the draft and its fragments fade away into professional obscurity.  This is the same with Knight’s teams: none of his players really made it in the NBA because they just didn’t have the talent to keep up. If movies are your thing then Knight was like Patches O’Houlihan from Dodgeball, except he doesn’t drink his own urine (yet).  You take away Patches and the Average Joes never learn the five D’s of dodgeball and beat Globo Gym.  I mean, the only really great player Knight ever coached was Isiah Thomas during Indiana’s ’81 title run, and Isiah left after that season as a sophomore. 

The culture in college basketball was for players to stay until they finished their upperclassman seasons, so Knight was able to develop his teams for the future, knowing that he would have his players for three to four years each. Why did the players stay when they could have been making money professionally, you might ask?  It was an unspoken rule, like letting people out of the elevator before you get in or taking your shoes off before entering an Asian household.  It was something you just did.

John Wooden was the one coach who really benefitted from this culture.  Wooden’s Bruins finally started to gain some recognition after their 1963-64 undefeated season that ended in his first National Championship.  This season, Wooden’s glasses, and, for Marques Johnson, the copious amounts of cocaine in the LA area gave Wooden the tools necessary to entice insanely talented players like Johnson, Gail Goodrich, Bill Walton, and Lew Alcinder, Jr. (aka Kareem-Abdul Jabbar) to come and play for him.  However, unlike in today’s college basketball, these great players stayed for three to four years each, and they created a dynasty in the process.  Wooden took individual talent and molded it into a team, which is what any coach is supposed to do, but Wooden did it with the best of the best.  He had a system that worked for talented players playing with other talented players.  If Wooden coaches in today’s college basketball he wins maybe three titles at most because he only has players like Kareem and Walton and Goodrich for a year. 

It's a little early to say that Calipari is a modern day Wooden, but there are no doubt similarities.  Calipari takes insanely talented players and somehow got them to play with each other just like Wooden did.  For Christ sake Calipari got Boogie* and John Wall to play together! The difference is that Calipari has adapted his coaching/recruiting style to match the new culture in college basketball, which is “if you ain’t one-and-done, you’re done.”  You really don’t think Calipari couldn’t have won three straight championships with Boogie, Wall, Davis, and Kidd-Gilchrist on the same team?

**For DJLR’s older generation of readers, Boogie = DeMarcus Cousins**

Calipari is the beginning of a new wave of coaches who put their jobs on the line for players who only stay for a year, yet Calipari embraces this cycle and it looks like he’s perfected the system. Calipari uses his intangible ability to recruit to construct a team that is head and shoulders above everybody else, and then encourages his players to leave after they’re done wrecking everybody’s shit for a year.  As my good friend/acquaintance/guy whose column I read, Chuck Klosterman, wrote: “he [Calipari] cares more about ‘young people’ than he cares about The Game of Basketball…” and this is why Knight can’t stand him.

Knight hates Calipari because they are at the complete opposite ends of the coaching spectrum.  Knight took decent players, put them together, and developed them to make great teams over the course of four years.  Calipari takes crazy talented players, assembles them into a team for a year, creates a unique system for the players that he has that year, and then rinses, washes, and repeats the process the following year.  One isn’t necessarily better than the other, they are just reflections of the differences in the culture of college basketball over time. 

So why am I talking so much about Calipari?  Obviously I have a hidden agenda.  There happens to be a professional basketball team that plays in New York that also happens to have recently fired a coach… Hmmm… I wonder…

Maybe Calipari would be a good fit for the Knicks?

OF COURSE Calipari would be a good fit with the Knicks.  Calipari really never got a clear shot with an NBA team.  His first and only NBA head coaching experience was as head coach of a dismal Nets team in 1996.  The Nets traded their number seven overall pick (Tim Thomas) to the 76ers for basically a box of donuts, which left the Nets with a young Kerry Kittles and Kendall Gill as their one-two punch.  The following season Calipari coached the Nets to the playoffs, but lost to a Michael Jordan-led Bulls team that went on to win the Finals (the same Finals that Jordan hit that shot over Byron Russel with 5.2 seconds left in Game 6).  The next season was shortened by a lockout and, if it wasn’t clear before that the basketball gods hate the Nets, Sam Cassell got injured in the first game of the season.

[insert nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah, hey hey hey, goodbye]

            Calipari is so good at his job because he makes high profile athletes work together.  As Klosterman said, he puts the individuals over the game.  If Calipari came to New York there is no doubt in my mind that his sleezebally charisma would be the perfect catalyst for this Knicks team. Amar’e is like a less aggressive Boogie (if his knees can hold up) and Melo is a purer scorer than any player Calipari has ever coached (including Rose).  Throw in Tyson to sure up the boards and Lin next season (THE KNICKS BETTER GET HIM SIGNED!!!!) and you’ve got yourself on the road to at least a four seed in the east. 

Will Calipari to the Knicks ever happen? Of course not.  It makes too much sense.  Calipari just conquered the college basketball world and he’s not going to want to give up his basically guaranteed tenure at the number one school in the nation to go to the controversial Knicks after what he saw happen to D’Antoni.  On the other side of the ball, the Knicks would no doubt hire Mike Woodson (who is doing a fantastic job to his credit) over Calipari if they make the playoffs because Woodson is genuinely a good coach and Calipari’s only experience in the NBA was a bust. 

But you can’t blame me for dreaming, right?

Shoutout to Im A Mutha Drucker for da ill shirt and everybody else whose keeping the word alive

#DJLR

The State of the Knicks

Yo, yo, yo.  After bombarding you with so many posts during the NFL MEGA WEEK, we decided that you were probably sick of DJLR and needed a little break… Nahh, I’m just lazy (#SENIORS12 #JKThisIsn’tTwitter…  #DJLR).

I’m still lying.  The truth is that I’m going through some MEGA withdrawal following the MEGA WEEK.  I can’t eat; I can’t sleep; and I think I’ve developed an allergy to sunlight.  To top it all off, my bracket is as busted as Susan Boyle.  God damn it, I miss you MEGABLOG…

Anyway, now that the MEGA BLOG has officially been laid to rest, it’s time to move on, and what better way to move on than another Long Overdue Knicks Column!!!! 

(Is it just me, or are all of my Knicks columns “long overdue?”)

The State of the Knicks

When we last talked about the Knicks I wrote,

“They fired D’Antoni too early and may have sacrificed their season because of it. Unless Mike Woodson is the second coming of Phil Jackson, Melo and Amar’e go back to college and take Chemistry 101, or the Knicks give the ball to Steve Novak every possession and let him take threes (because he is that good), I can’t imagine the Knicks making it out of the first round.”

If you can weed through all of the bad jokes, what I’m basically saying is that the reason why the Knicks won’t go anywhere in the playoffs (if they even make the playoffs) is because they fired D’Antoni mid-season. 

First, I would like to apologize for this terrible disparaging of Mr. Michael Dean Woodson.  What he has done with the Knicks defense (allowing just 86 PPG in the Woodson Era) in such a short period of time is incredible.  The players (especially Iman Shumpert) look like they actually want to play defense, and they finally realize that great defense leads to great offense through easy transition points. 

Second, Mike Woodson’s eyebrows look like two pieces of black construction paper taped onto his face. 

Third, I’m still sticking with my prediction, but for a different reason: injuries.

Injuries to Amar’e (bulging disk) and, more importantly, Jeremy Lin (knee) are going to put the Knicks out of “contention” (if you call struggling for the 8-seed in the East “contending”). 

The injury to Amar’e isn’t that devastating.  Amar’e is like the Lord Voldemort of the Knicks (from The Sorcerer’s Stone to The Goblet of Fire).  In books one through five, people slowly started to become aware that “He Who Must Not Be Named” was on the rise, but nobody wanted to admit it.  If they admitted it then they would have to face the terrifying reality the evil, socially awkward Tom Riddle and his demon snake were back.**

**Sidenote: When Voldemort says “Nagini” is he referring to a physical snake or his penis?  Seriously, the book is vague. 

Voldemort: “Come Nagini, we have much work to do…”

Harry: “You know Voldemort's snake, Neville? He's got a huge snake... Calls it Nagini...” 

Come on, I can’t be the only one… Dumbledore was gay for God sake**

Every Knicks fan secretly knows that Amar’e’s knees are slowly eroding away into nothingness.  We secretly know that Amar’e has maybe two good years left before he won’t be able to jump anymore.  We secretly know that STAT is having one of his worst statistical seasons of his career with 17.6 PPG (worst since his rookie season), 8.0 rebounds per game (worst ever), and shooting under 50% from the field for the first time since the ’03-’04 season.  We secretly know that he has -47 plus/minus rating, second only to what’s left of Mike Bibby’s corpse (-77).    We all know this, but nobody wants to talk about it.

If we talk about it then it becomes real, and nobody wants to face the reality that the player that made it cool to be a Knicks fan again might be headed for the Great IR in the Basketball Heaven. 

Lin’s injury (aka the Linjury) is much more devastating.  I don’t have to go through all of his stats, but Lin had the highest Player Efficiency Rating on the team (19.93), and he was finally starting to create chemistry on the court.  Now that he (and Amar’e) are gone, the Knicks are basically the Pre-Melo Trade Nuggets: 

Melo = Melo

J.R. Smith = J.R. Smith

Baron Davis* = poor man’s Chauncy Billups 

Tyson Chandler = Nene

Landry Fields = Birdman (JK)

**Sidenote: I have never been more nervous with the ball in a point guard’s hands.  Even the easy passes that Baron makes look like they just barely get there.**

Talk about a throwback that nobody wants to see.  The only difference is that Melo is in a place where he wants to play, which, to be fair, makes all the difference. I still think Melo can be the centerpiece of a championship contender, but not this year. Melo can carry this team into the playoffs, but facing the Bulls/Heat in the first round isn’t really a recipe for success. 

I would be happy if the Knicks made it to the playoffs and won a game or two.  It’s not pessimism; it’s realism.  It would be an improvement off of last year, and it might assure Mike Woodson the coaching job once the season is over.  The basketball gods hate New York for some reason, and I’m starting to get sick of it.  Now that Tebow’s in New York let’s hope he can get God on our side.

Shoutout to Hampton and Homes Real Estate, the one stop shop for all of your Hamptons/Home related real estate needs

#DJLR