New Years' MEGABLOG

Hey!  Welcome back!  Grab a seat and make yourself at home.  If you’re thirsty there’s water in the fridge and--- wait what?  There’s no water?  There’s no fridge either?  Wait there’s not even a chair?  Wow I’m really sorry, I just had my blog renovated so the furniture must still be in storage.  Well, anyway now that you’re here you might as well stay for the

NEW YEARS’ MEGABLOG

            What better way to ring in the New Year than with some good ol’-fashioned blog-on-blog-on-blog analysis of anything and everything? But first, as always, we need to go through the New Years’ Resolutions of some of our favorite sports icons from 2012.

Mark Sanchez: “Hi Santa! For Christmas I want a Calvin Johnson and a Larry Fitzgerald and a Super Bowl ring and ooo and a pony!  And--- Huh? What do you mean it isn’t Christmas anymore?  Then who’s lap am I sitting--- wait, Tebow!?!? You’re not Santa! NOOOO!!!!”

Andy Reid: “First and foremost, I promise to stop hiding snacks in my mustache. Seriously, it's a bad habit and this year I'll actually stick to my promise.  Second, I promise to stop coaching the team with the worst turnover differential in the NFC (Eagles: -24) so that I can coach the team with the worst turnover differential in the AFC (Chiefs: -24).  Finally, I promise to make every Chiefs fan regret this hire.”

Mike D’Antoni: “I promise to overuse Kobe during the regular season and make every Lakers fan regret not getting Phil Jackson when they had the chance.”

Chip Kelly: “I promise to leave Oregon to coach in the NFL before the sanctions hit."

Gary Bettman: “I promise to do everything in my power to make sure that the NHL lockout will continue and that 2012-2013 hockey season will be cancelled.  I also promise to keep the title of Worst Commissioner in Sports safe from the clutches of Roger Goodell.  Also I hate puppies.”

Wasn’t that heartwarming?  Don’t you just love it when people try to better themselves/perpetuate their shortcomings for the New Year?

            Now that we got that out of the way, let’s get down to business. A lot has happened since the last post so fasten your seatbelts because we’re going rapid-fire:

 JETS:

In perhaps the most predictable ending to a season since Friends, the Jets managed to not only to disappoint every one of their fans, but also embarrass themselves on a national stage.  Mark Sanchez was so terrible that even Trent Dilfer was allowed to criticize him, the defense was ranked 20^th in points allowed, they were eliminated from the playoffs in Week 14, Tebow lined up as a wide receiver, and to celebrate the season Rex Ryan got an arm tattoo of his wife wearing a Mark Sanchez jersey.

Speaking of bad tattoos, here's your "Tattoo That Looked Better in My Head" of the month:

Back to business.  Basically the best part of the New Year for Jets fans is not having to suffer through another game until September.  The entire Jets season can be summed up in this play. 

The good news is that Jets management seems to be making the right moves to ameliorate the chaos.  They’re shopping Sanchez for whatever they can get (which is at most a couple of breadsticks), they fired GM Mike Tanenbaum, they’re looking to replace OC Tony Sparano with (possibly) Norv Turner, and they’re keeping Rex Ryan for another year.  I think keeping Rex is key because he's a good coach who was plagued by player injuries, weird and sometimes creepy mini-scandals, and devout loyalty to a quarterback who lost his job to Greg McElroy.  If the Jets can get a serviceable quarterback in the draft (Geno Smith?), revitalize their defense, and bag an upper echelon wide receiver (Dwayne Bowe/Mike Wallace?) the Jets could be a Wild Card contender.  But that’s a lot of ifs. 

GIANTS:

            Not quite as humiliating of a season as their hometown rival Jets, the Giants still managed to garner their fair share of embarrassment by squandering their playoff hopes after starting the season 6-2.  Many will point to injuries of Kenny Phillips, Justin Tuck, and Osi Umenyiora on the defensive side, which exacerbated an already exposed defense. This is true, but only half of the story.

            The other part of it is Eli Manning and the Giants’ offense.  Granted, Hakeem Nicks and Ahmad Bradshaw seemed perpetually on the injury report, but look at Eli’s numbers from the first half of the season compared to the second half.

First 8 games: 2,301 yards (>300 yards 3 times), 12 TD, 8 INT

Last 8 games: 1,647 yards (>300 yards 0 times), 14 TD, 7 INT

            Subtract the five-touchdown day that Eli had over the 4-12 Eagles in Week 17 when the Giants’ playoff chances were less likely than the chance that Kim and Kanye end up raising their baby together, and Eli only has nine touchdowns in the final eight games of the season.

            Eli’s turnovers were never the downfall for the Giants, but this year his lack of efficiency in the passing game was.  When Eli is moving the ball through the air that clears the box for Bradshaw/Brown/Wilson, giving the Giants a very formidable run/pass combination.  We saw sparks of it in the second half of the season (i.e. against the 49ers), but not enough for them to secure a playoff berth. 

            These numbers tell it all:

Eli in Giants wins (9 Games): 2,495 yards, 21 TD, 9 INT, 98.4 QB Rating

Eli in Giants losses (7 Games): 1, 453 yards, 5 TD, 6 INT, 72.2 QB Rating

At the end of the day, the Giants lived and died by Eli… and then died a little more from their 31^st ranked defense.

DJANGO UNCHAINED:

            Django Unchained was off the chain.  In case you were wondering, yes, I made that up, and, no, it’s not the first time I used that joke.

THE CHRISTMAS VS CHANUKAH VS KWANZAA DEBATE

            I’m ending this debate once and for all.  I’m a Jew and even I have to admit that Christmas is, by far, the best holiday of the three.  First of all, nobody actually knows what Kwanzaa is, let alone celebrates it.  I looked it up and saw a menorah thing and what looks like yamakas, so I can only assume that it’s Chanukah for black people. 

That being said, in regards to Chanukah vs. Christmas, it’s not even a contest.  People who argue for Chanukah say, “You get presents for eight nights!!! [pause and wait for reaction] EIGHT NIGHTS!!!!”  What non-Jews don’t realize is that getting presents for eight nights fucking sucks.  You don’t get any more presents than you normally would; you just get all of your presents spaced out evenly for eight nights.  Most times you don’t even get eight presents, so you go dry for a couple of the nights. 

Also, since the Jewish calendar is different from the regular calendar, Chanukah’s eight days are different every year.  Nobody except for the rabbi actually knows when Chanukah is until it actually is Chanukah, which ruins all of the fun of anticipating when you get your presents.

Finally, “Merry Christmas” sounds so much better than “Happy Chanukah,” and a Christmas Tree is infinitely better than a Chanukah Bush.  Everybody knows that a tree is just a better, taller version of a bush, and furthermore a Chunukah Bush sounds like some sort of creepy residue left over from No-Shave November. 

KNICKS:

            I could’ve done an entire post about the Knicks and why I’m fatally in love with them, but it would go on for days, so I’ll just limit it to a couple of paragraphs.

            I love that Melo has finally come on.  I know it sounds sadistic, but I think it was a good thing that Amar’e was injured to start the season.  It gave Melo time to establish that he is the number one guy on the team and that when Amar’e comes back it has to be in a complementary role.  I think the Knicks’ success in Amar’e’s absence has convinced Amar’e of this, which bodes well for both Amar’e’s future health and the Knicks’ depth if they can have both J.R. and Stat healthy coming off of the bench.

            I also love 2K13’s Mr. Potato Head a.k.a. Mike Woodson.  He’s finally gotten everyone to buy into his system and it shows.  He has a great mind for defense and has handled big personalities well thus far.  He's a much better overall coach than  D’Antoni and the Lakers are starting to see why Run-and-Gun Mike was forced to “retire” mid-season as coach of the Knicks.

            What's more the Knicks point guard play with the rotation of Jason Kidd, Raymond Felton, and Pablo Prigioni is one of the best in the league.  Kidd is a natural leader like Tyson, Felton looks thin and much better than he was two years ago, and how could you not love the little Argentinian/Italian thing that Prigioni does?  Also, J.R. Smith has shattered the record for most shots where everybody watching him goes “NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO- YES!!!!!”

            What makes me nervous though isn’t the record setting pace of three point attempts (which Charles Barkley think is “just turrrible”), but rather the Knicks low post game.  They’re currently being outrebounded by their opponents 1278 to 1376, a differential of about 100.  The Knicks are also ranked 27^th in rebounds per game and 22^nd in opponents’ rebounds per game.  This lack of a dominant inside presence was put on national display on Christmas Day when the Lakers absolutely dominated the Knicks down low, outscoring them 46-26 in the paint. 

            The Knicks can survive, and even thrive, when playing small ball teams like the Heat, but if and when the Lakers ever figure it out, the Knicks are going to be in a lot of trouble trying to mark up against Dwight Howard. Hopefully this will change with a healthy Amar'e in the lineup.

            With that being said, a realistic goal for the Knicks should be Eastern Conference Finals, as Carmelo said earlier in the year.  A championship is the ultimate goal though, but that comes later down the road as experience builds. 

BCS NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP

            My one-of-a-kind matchup is available courtesy of Yahoo! Sports:

http://50.17.251.64/blog/list/201301/notre-dame-fighting-irish-alabama-crimson-tide-bcs-football#1

            (Shameless self-promotion at its finest)

Here’s a little more shameless self-promotion for you, happy holidays:

#DJLR

Where We Go From Here

            The Heat were supposed to win. Everybody knew that. The analysts gave us numerical proof, the ex-players and coaches gave us experiential proof, but the Heat gave us the only proof that really matters: the scoreboard. Knowing it’s coming doesn’t lessen the blow; it only gives us time to brace ourselves until it finally hits. It’s not anger; it’s more disappointment, but that almost makes it worse.  Anger results from the belief that your team was robbed and that if they replayed the series, your team would no doubt come out on top.  Disappointment results from the knowledge that your team was thoroughly outmatched and that if they replayed the series, your team would be lucky to make it to Game 6.  

            Sorry for all of these somber reflections, but the Knicks’ loss has put me in a dark place.  Also I think the fact that I watched the majority of the game in silence* compounded my feeling that Game 5 was just an elaborate funeral.

*Sidenote: Yesterday was the first day of my switch from DirecTV to Fios.  Anticipating the move, I instinctively looked up the new channel numbers for some key channels: ESPN, MSG, NBCSN, etc. but stupidly forgot TNT.  My Internet was down all of yesterday because the computer guys were switching the Wi-Fi network, so I was forced to watch Game 5 on MSG with the unbearable Clyde Frazier commentating.  I hadn’t actually listened to Clyde during games in a while because I usually put the TV on mute and listen to play-by-play on Internet radio, but like I said, no Internet.  I gave Clyde a chance and regretted it within seconds.

            First of all, he sounds like he’s talking to a baby.  He has the high, soft, condescending tone that adults use when they’re talking to newborns, only permanently.  This is compounded by the fact that he goes out of his way to make stupid rhymes with antiquated 1980’s basketball slang, but he only has like three of them so he just repeats those three rhymes throughout the game.  Dwayne Wade swoopin’ and hoopin’ through the Knicks D.  We’re not the Hawks, Clyde, and even if we were, human beings don’t “swoop.”  Melo swishin’ and dishin’ in transition.  Sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the sound of my fist trying to destroy the T.V. The Knicks’ lookin’ a little loosey goosey early on. What does that mean? 

I put the game on mute halfway through the first quarter after I turned away for a moment and heard Clyde say LeBron James penetrating and creating here tonight.  I was watching with my ten-year old brother and that’s just in poor taste.  I don’t think my parents have given Kenny the “sex talk” yet, and I wasn’t about to let Clyde Frazier do it for them. 

 #FIRECLYDE!!!!!**

Pretty long sidenote, I know, but someone had to say it.  Anyway, now that the Knicks are officially eliminated there’s going to be a lot of talk about what to do/what’s best for the team/whose fault it is.  Well there are three ways that this scenario can play out:

1. The Reactionary Scenario – 20%

            The Reactionary Scenario is a little less likely now because Amar’e came back and helped the Knicks break their playoff loss streak, but no doubt it’s still possible.  New Yorkers have pride.  Anybody who has ever lived in New York can tell you this.  More so, New York fans have pride.  Even though the fan base is divided in almost every sport, all New York fans unite to support the one TRUE New York basketball team: The Knicks (not the Nets, I don't care where they play). 

            New York fans don’t like to be reminded of their teams’ failures.  They don’t like to be reminded that the Knicks haven’t won a playoff series since 2000*.  They don’t like losing at all.  The Giants just won the Super Bowl, the Rangers are the number one seed in the East, and the Yankees are the most successful franchise in sports history.  Saying that they don’t like to lose is an understatement. 

**By the way, the ESPN Alert I got on my phone when the Knicks were eliminated was uncharacteristically mean: “NBA- Knicks eliminated by Heat, 4-1; Knicks have not won a playoff series since 2000.”  Did you really have to add that last part ESPN?  If the Clippers somehow lost their series would there be a national alert reading, “NBA- Clippers eliminated by Grizzlies, 4-3; Clippers have won one playoff series since 1976 when they were the Buffalo Braves. They fucking suck.”  I didn’t think so.**

The reactionary scenario = total panic mode.  The Knicks try desperately to get rid of Amar’e and his remaining 3 years and $65 million, so they end up trading him for 10 cents on the dollar.  The Magic are willing to take on that liability so that they can have a chance of keeping Dwight Howard, so the Knicks end up trading Amar’e and the false hope that Dwight Howard will stay in Orlando for Hedo Turkoglu, Chris Duhon, and cap space.  They use the cap space to over-pay Jeremy Lin because James Dolan likes to sell jerseys.  Finally, they don’t offer Mike Woodson a long-term contract because they want to make a push at Phil Jackson, but when they finally realize Phil Jackson has no intention of returning to basketball, another team offers Woodson the contract that he deserves and Woodson accepts it there because he feels insulted by the Knicks.  Ultimately the Knicks lose big time.

2. The Conservative Scenario – 5%

             “Nothing is wrong! Amar’e and Melo just need more time to gel under Woodson.  They are meant to play together.  Let’s re-sign Jeremy Lin to a big deal to give the fans what they want.  We’ll make a push for Steve Nash, but not a big one because, you know, we’ve got Lin.  Oh, I forgot we’ll give Woodson a nice contract, and go for a semi-big free agent like… Jason Terry! Great! Another shooter!  Just what we need!  Now all we need is one more power forward...”

            The conservative scenario ends just like this season ended: in disappointment and defeat after going out in the first round of the playoffs once again. This scenario is very unlikely because James Dolan caves to media/fan pressure.

3.  The Logical Scenario – 75% (I hope)

            The Knicks know that they won’t get a lot for Amar’e so why trade him for nothing?  Focus on keeping him healthy so that he can at least be a shade of what he was 5 years ago.  Make a big push for Steve Nash.  All out.  Give him all the maple syrup candy and hockey pucks he wants.  Who cares if he’s old; he’s a two-time MVP at the end of his prime who still manages to get it done for a team with literally nothing around him.  Re-sign Jeremy Lin, but for a two or three year deal.  Let Lin develop behind Nash so that he can learn what it means to be a point guard.  If they can’t get Nash, get Goran Dragic from Houston.  The Knicks need a true passing point guard to make a full push at the Melo-Mar'e experiment to see if they truly are incompatible.  If they conclude that Amar'e is the problem, trade him before the deadline for a shooter like J.R. Smith who can create his own shot to take pressure of of Melo.  Michael Beasly possibly?  Finally, unless Phil Jackson openly declares that he is coming back to basketball by the early July to revive The Garden, sign Mike Woodson to a long-term deal.  He already has the support of the Knicks’ best players, and if they somehow manage to fuck up the Woodson deal and don’t get Jackson, they’ll be stuck with a coach that doesn’t have the support of the players or fans along with questions as to why they didn’t re-sign Woodson when they had the chance.  If everything works out the Knicks will be at least a 4-seed in the east with a chance to get hot in the playoffs. 

           These moves would (hopefully) give the Knicks a starting lineup of Steve Nash (Lin backup), Iman Shumpert, Carmelo Anthony, Amar'e Stoudemire, and Tyson Chandler.  Give that starting five an regular 82 game season and pray to the basketball gods that Amar'e's knees hold out and you've got yourself the third best team in the East at least.  But that's all on paper, and, more importantly, that's all hypothetical.  Give James Dolan a couple months and he'll figure out a way to destroy our hopes and dreams, you watch.  

           I didn't know where to fit this in before, but it must be said:  Mike Miller is a douche.  He isn't classy enough to be a super villain, but he looks like the in-the-closet assistant to a super villain that everybody knows is gay, but he's too scared to admit it.  

Shout out to MSG Network: Please Fire Clyde

#DJLR

13 Things We Know After 2 Games of the NBA Playoffs

            I almost didn’t write a DJLR this week out of sheer depression.  I could barely think, let alone write, about the Knicks without being overcome by a type of indescribable hopelessness the can only result from the realization that your team is going to lose.  There’s no way around it.  No sugarcoating, no happy ending, no silver lining, no light at the end of the tunnel, just defeat: plain and simple.  I would be a little more optimistic if Shumpdaddy was still in and Amar’e was out because the Knicks are a better team when Amar’e and Carmelo aren’t on the floor together and Shumpert is one of the only people on the planet who can guard LeBron.  Too bad he tore his ACL… 

See why I almost didn’t write it?  I sound like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh.  By the way, what kind of name is Eeyore?  It sounds like a derogatory term for a peasant used by one of those pompous 18^th Century British aristocrats. “Oh Charles, did catch the stench radiating off of that poor Eeyore that just passed?  How droll!  He mustn’t have showered in weeks.  Now come, we have wigs to powder.”  You’re right; I’m trying too hard. Regardless it’s a stupid name and I’m upset so deal with it.  If you’re name is Eeyore and you finished reading this paragraph feeling in some way offended, I am sincerely sorry that Eeyore parents named you something that ridiculous. 

            Anyway, even though we’re only two games into the first round of the NBA Playoffs, we’ve learned some valuable lessons about the NBA:

      1.    The Lockout Sucked: for fans the theory of the lockout seemed amazing: back-to-back-to-back games, basketball to watch almost every night, more opportunities to make fun of Shaq on TNT, but now that we got to the playoffs we realize why…

      2.    Injuries Suck: Professional basketball players aren’t meant to play 66 games in 123 days, especially player that are explosive as Derrick Rose. Same with Iman Shumpert who played in 59 out of 66 of the Knicks’ regular season games and 29 straight going into the playoffs.  Enough with the bullshit “it’s Thibodeau’s fault for leaving Rose in the game that long,” we all know who the real culprit behind DRose’s torn ACL and it’s David Stern/Billy Hunter/God-damn capitalism.  If the lockout didn’t tear Rose’s/Shumpert’s ACLs itself, then it definitely gave OJ the knife.  

2a. Amar’e Stoudemire vs. Fire Extinguisher: Amar’e if you are reading this: WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING?!??!?  Why wouldn’t you punch something soft like a sweatshirt, or a pillow, or Mike Bibby? I get that you’re upset, but use that anger to fuel your game not prevent you from playing in the series at all.  To your credit though, it was the first time you attacked the glass in months… (credit: PTI).  

I was looking forward to a heated Bulls-Celtics matchup in Round 2 with DRose and Rondo going at it.  I was looking forward to watching Iman Shumpert try to guard LeBron James and give the Knicks a chance to beat the Heat. I was looking forward to seeing a vintage Amar’e Stoudemire game one last time before his knees give out and he is forced to transfer to the wheelchair basketball league.  Not anymore. Bottom line: Injuries suck, and these probably won’t be the last of them.

      3.    Flopping: Is there a secret Oscar being given away for Best Actor in an NBA Playoffs?  I actually left my friend’s house where I was watching the game after Carmelo got called for another offensive “foul” against LeBron in the third quarter, and as I was leaving I heard Jeff Van Gundy say “You couldn’t knock LeBron James over with that amount of force if you tried.” Seriously though, I would’ve written a total bash column about LeBron and the Heat disgracing the game, but Jeff Van Gundy’s rant during the game and the Bleacher Report’s column pretty much covered it. Tyson’s screen was a borderline foul and LeBron’s “whiplash” was the worst acting I’ve seen since Twilight.  PLAY THE GAME!

      4.    The Referees Suck:  When did basketball become a non-contact sport?  Since when is it illegal to show emotion after a play?  Did the NBA suddenly become the PGA Tour or are the referees just doing a terrible job?  Why am I asking so many questions?  Back in the day players used to get into fights and not get ejected.  Now Tyson Chandler is getting a technical for yelling after a dunk.  Something is wrong and it’s this new sports culture of softness.  Football is violent.  It’s supposed to be violent.  Stop trying to make it not violent.  Basketball players are emotional.  They are supposed to show emotion.  Stop trying to make them show no emotion. 

On another note, the officials rigged Game 1 of the Knicks-Heat series. It’s a fact. Bill Simmons tweeted it best: “28FT’s to 5.  I don’t watch rigged NBA games, I’m switching to hockey.”

Speaking of officials…

 

      5.    Officials don’t like to be bumped: even “accidental” chest bumps.  By the way…

      6.    Rondo looks like the Geico lizard -------------------------------->              

      Also...

      7.    The Celtics are going to the Eastern Conference Finals: We’ve been talking a lot about things that suck, but you know what doesn’t suck?  The Celtics.  I thought that resting their stars would affect their chemistry, and losing Rondo for Game 2 would deal them the “Down 2-0 Curse” that 80% of teams never recover from.  Well… I was wrong.  What’s new?  Much to my dismay, Paul Pierce is a stone-cold killer, and once Ray Allen gets back the Celtics are going to be able to stretch the floor again to open up the paint for Throwback KG.  They’re going to beat the Hawks in six, beat the Rose-less Bulls in five, and then find themselves in the East Finals.  If you told me that during the All Star break I would’ve told you that there was a better chance that the Dwight Howard was staying in Orlando… Wait…

      8.    Are the Magic better without Dwight? I thought that we would be asking this question after Dwight How-Many-Times-Can-I-Change-My-Mind-ard finally got traded.  Instead we’re asking this question because he’s injured.  Well, here’s the answer: NO.  Don’t get cutesy with it.  He is the best center in the league.  You’re telling me that the three-time defending Defensive Player of the Year wouldn’t eat up a Pacers’ frontcourt ranked 17^th in opponents’ rebounds per game and 27^th in opponents’ blocks per game?  Oh, and also give every three point shooter on the Magic 1-2 more seconds to shoot.  Have you seen the way Andrew Bynum is playing against the Nuggets?  Multiply those stats by two, throw in a bad Stan Van Gundy impression, and top it all off with a complete disregard for his teammates and you’ve got yourself Dwight Howard.  Next...


      9. Is the Thunder-Mavs matchup the best first round series? In short, YES.  Kevin Durant + Russel Westbrook + young team trying to prove themselves + Dirk Nowitzki + defending champs looking to prove something + last second buzzer beaters + combined point differential of 4 points in the first two games + series going back to Dallas = AMAZING.  Also...

      10.    WTF Happened to the Grizzlies in Game 1? They froze up.  They looked great for three quarters, and then choked.  Classic “let’s try to hold on to this lead by wasting time and throwing up bad shots at the end of the shot clock.”  They proved that they are the better team with their win in Game 2, but the Clippers stole Game 1 and do have one other thing going for them...

      11.   Chris Paul is a God: I won’t rave about how Chris Paul is the best point I have ever watched live, or how he’s like Isiah Thomas’ passing combined with Magic’s finishing and Brian Scalabrine’s swagger.  All you have to know is that he had seven assists in the fourth quarter of a game that his team came back from a 27-point deficit to win.  If this were ever the year for a “Screw LeBron! I’m not voting for him even though he’s the best because he’s a major douche/flopper/I hate him,” then I would give the MVP to Paul in a second.  I'd rank this the second most exciting series of Round 1.  Speaking of L.A. …

      12.  How seriously should we take the Lakers? Two words: Black Mamba.  Kobe plus the suddenly un-pussy Pau Gasol and the suddenly consistent Andrew Bynum is a usually a recipe for a championship, but they would have to get through OKC/Mavs in the second round, the Spurs in the West Finals, and the Heat in the Finals... all without home court.  I'm not saying they can't do it, I'm just saying they can't do it.  Finally...

      13.   What happened to cool nicknames? It doesn’t really have to do with the playoffs but remember the days when we used to talk about Chocolate Thunder, Muggsy Bogues, Cooz, Cornbread, and Piggy?  Nowadays, we only have Black Mamba (weirdly sexual), the Darantula (scary as fuck), the King (sooo original), and the God (Brian Scalabrine).  Where are all the guys named after random objects?  And hey, you whippersnappers get off my lawn!!!!!

Shout out to G-Baby Sater----> Go vote for her (THE VIKING) in MSG Varsity's Mascot Dash, seriously though... do it.

          #DJLR

Let's CaliPARTY!

            People have called John Calipari a fake.  A cheater.  A low-life.  An asshole.  A sell-out.  But what you can’t call him is a bad coach.  When Calipari’s Wildcats beat KU in the NCAA Tournament Finals, he dispelled all criticisms that he couldn’t win big games. 

            On paper it doesn’t seem like Calipari had much to do with it because Kentucky had the best frontcourt of the past decade with Anthony Davis, Michael Kidd-Gilchrist, and Anthony Davis’ unibrow.  Every time they played, UK defined what it meant to be “in a different league” than an opponent, like they were in on a basketball secret that no other team even knew existed.*

**Sidenote: I don’t care what anybody says, after watching last night’s Wizards-Bobcats game there is no doubt in my mind that Kentucky would beat the Bobcats… handily**

            But what doesn’t get the publicity is the work that goes into making that team.  If recruiting is cool then consider Calipari Miles Davis.  Old school coaches (aka Bob Knight) hate Calipari because he makes a living with the very thing they despise: one-and-dones. 

Back in the day, coaches like Knight created great basketball teams with good players.  The team was its own amorphous entity that the players were taught to respect and hold above everything else.  It was like a typical Mighty Ducks movie.  Individually the players weren’t that good, but thanks to coaching, heart, courage, and just a touch of luck, they were able to make their wildest dreams come true!

But if you watched the Mighty Ducks movies past the credits and all of the bad sequels, you’d see this great team break apart in the draft and its fragments fade away into professional obscurity.  This is the same with Knight’s teams: none of his players really made it in the NBA because they just didn’t have the talent to keep up. If movies are your thing then Knight was like Patches O’Houlihan from Dodgeball, except he doesn’t drink his own urine (yet).  You take away Patches and the Average Joes never learn the five D’s of dodgeball and beat Globo Gym.  I mean, the only really great player Knight ever coached was Isiah Thomas during Indiana’s ’81 title run, and Isiah left after that season as a sophomore. 

The culture in college basketball was for players to stay until they finished their upperclassman seasons, so Knight was able to develop his teams for the future, knowing that he would have his players for three to four years each. Why did the players stay when they could have been making money professionally, you might ask?  It was an unspoken rule, like letting people out of the elevator before you get in or taking your shoes off before entering an Asian household.  It was something you just did.

John Wooden was the one coach who really benefitted from this culture.  Wooden’s Bruins finally started to gain some recognition after their 1963-64 undefeated season that ended in his first National Championship.  This season, Wooden’s glasses, and, for Marques Johnson, the copious amounts of cocaine in the LA area gave Wooden the tools necessary to entice insanely talented players like Johnson, Gail Goodrich, Bill Walton, and Lew Alcinder, Jr. (aka Kareem-Abdul Jabbar) to come and play for him.  However, unlike in today’s college basketball, these great players stayed for three to four years each, and they created a dynasty in the process.  Wooden took individual talent and molded it into a team, which is what any coach is supposed to do, but Wooden did it with the best of the best.  He had a system that worked for talented players playing with other talented players.  If Wooden coaches in today’s college basketball he wins maybe three titles at most because he only has players like Kareem and Walton and Goodrich for a year. 

It's a little early to say that Calipari is a modern day Wooden, but there are no doubt similarities.  Calipari takes insanely talented players and somehow got them to play with each other just like Wooden did.  For Christ sake Calipari got Boogie* and John Wall to play together! The difference is that Calipari has adapted his coaching/recruiting style to match the new culture in college basketball, which is “if you ain’t one-and-done, you’re done.”  You really don’t think Calipari couldn’t have won three straight championships with Boogie, Wall, Davis, and Kidd-Gilchrist on the same team?

**For DJLR’s older generation of readers, Boogie = DeMarcus Cousins**

Calipari is the beginning of a new wave of coaches who put their jobs on the line for players who only stay for a year, yet Calipari embraces this cycle and it looks like he’s perfected the system. Calipari uses his intangible ability to recruit to construct a team that is head and shoulders above everybody else, and then encourages his players to leave after they’re done wrecking everybody’s shit for a year.  As my good friend/acquaintance/guy whose column I read, Chuck Klosterman, wrote: “he [Calipari] cares more about ‘young people’ than he cares about The Game of Basketball…” and this is why Knight can’t stand him.

Knight hates Calipari because they are at the complete opposite ends of the coaching spectrum.  Knight took decent players, put them together, and developed them to make great teams over the course of four years.  Calipari takes crazy talented players, assembles them into a team for a year, creates a unique system for the players that he has that year, and then rinses, washes, and repeats the process the following year.  One isn’t necessarily better than the other, they are just reflections of the differences in the culture of college basketball over time. 

So why am I talking so much about Calipari?  Obviously I have a hidden agenda.  There happens to be a professional basketball team that plays in New York that also happens to have recently fired a coach… Hmmm… I wonder…

Maybe Calipari would be a good fit for the Knicks?

OF COURSE Calipari would be a good fit with the Knicks.  Calipari really never got a clear shot with an NBA team.  His first and only NBA head coaching experience was as head coach of a dismal Nets team in 1996.  The Nets traded their number seven overall pick (Tim Thomas) to the 76ers for basically a box of donuts, which left the Nets with a young Kerry Kittles and Kendall Gill as their one-two punch.  The following season Calipari coached the Nets to the playoffs, but lost to a Michael Jordan-led Bulls team that went on to win the Finals (the same Finals that Jordan hit that shot over Byron Russel with 5.2 seconds left in Game 6).  The next season was shortened by a lockout and, if it wasn’t clear before that the basketball gods hate the Nets, Sam Cassell got injured in the first game of the season.

[insert nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah, hey hey hey, goodbye]

            Calipari is so good at his job because he makes high profile athletes work together.  As Klosterman said, he puts the individuals over the game.  If Calipari came to New York there is no doubt in my mind that his sleezebally charisma would be the perfect catalyst for this Knicks team. Amar’e is like a less aggressive Boogie (if his knees can hold up) and Melo is a purer scorer than any player Calipari has ever coached (including Rose).  Throw in Tyson to sure up the boards and Lin next season (THE KNICKS BETTER GET HIM SIGNED!!!!) and you’ve got yourself on the road to at least a four seed in the east. 

Will Calipari to the Knicks ever happen? Of course not.  It makes too much sense.  Calipari just conquered the college basketball world and he’s not going to want to give up his basically guaranteed tenure at the number one school in the nation to go to the controversial Knicks after what he saw happen to D’Antoni.  On the other side of the ball, the Knicks would no doubt hire Mike Woodson (who is doing a fantastic job to his credit) over Calipari if they make the playoffs because Woodson is genuinely a good coach and Calipari’s only experience in the NBA was a bust. 

But you can’t blame me for dreaming, right?

Shoutout to Im A Mutha Drucker for da ill shirt and everybody else whose keeping the word alive

#DJLR

The State of the Knicks

Yo, yo, yo.  After bombarding you with so many posts during the NFL MEGA WEEK, we decided that you were probably sick of DJLR and needed a little break… Nahh, I’m just lazy (#SENIORS12 #JKThisIsn’tTwitter…  #DJLR).

I’m still lying.  The truth is that I’m going through some MEGA withdrawal following the MEGA WEEK.  I can’t eat; I can’t sleep; and I think I’ve developed an allergy to sunlight.  To top it all off, my bracket is as busted as Susan Boyle.  God damn it, I miss you MEGABLOG…

Anyway, now that the MEGA BLOG has officially been laid to rest, it’s time to move on, and what better way to move on than another Long Overdue Knicks Column!!!! 

(Is it just me, or are all of my Knicks columns “long overdue?”)

The State of the Knicks

When we last talked about the Knicks I wrote,

“They fired D’Antoni too early and may have sacrificed their season because of it. Unless Mike Woodson is the second coming of Phil Jackson, Melo and Amar’e go back to college and take Chemistry 101, or the Knicks give the ball to Steve Novak every possession and let him take threes (because he is that good), I can’t imagine the Knicks making it out of the first round.”

If you can weed through all of the bad jokes, what I’m basically saying is that the reason why the Knicks won’t go anywhere in the playoffs (if they even make the playoffs) is because they fired D’Antoni mid-season. 

First, I would like to apologize for this terrible disparaging of Mr. Michael Dean Woodson.  What he has done with the Knicks defense (allowing just 86 PPG in the Woodson Era) in such a short period of time is incredible.  The players (especially Iman Shumpert) look like they actually want to play defense, and they finally realize that great defense leads to great offense through easy transition points. 

Second, Mike Woodson’s eyebrows look like two pieces of black construction paper taped onto his face. 

Third, I’m still sticking with my prediction, but for a different reason: injuries.

Injuries to Amar’e (bulging disk) and, more importantly, Jeremy Lin (knee) are going to put the Knicks out of “contention” (if you call struggling for the 8-seed in the East “contending”). 

The injury to Amar’e isn’t that devastating.  Amar’e is like the Lord Voldemort of the Knicks (from The Sorcerer’s Stone to The Goblet of Fire).  In books one through five, people slowly started to become aware that “He Who Must Not Be Named” was on the rise, but nobody wanted to admit it.  If they admitted it then they would have to face the terrifying reality the evil, socially awkward Tom Riddle and his demon snake were back.**

**Sidenote: When Voldemort says “Nagini” is he referring to a physical snake or his penis?  Seriously, the book is vague. 

Voldemort: “Come Nagini, we have much work to do…”

Harry: “You know Voldemort's snake, Neville? He's got a huge snake... Calls it Nagini...” 

Come on, I can’t be the only one… Dumbledore was gay for God sake**

Every Knicks fan secretly knows that Amar’e’s knees are slowly eroding away into nothingness.  We secretly know that Amar’e has maybe two good years left before he won’t be able to jump anymore.  We secretly know that STAT is having one of his worst statistical seasons of his career with 17.6 PPG (worst since his rookie season), 8.0 rebounds per game (worst ever), and shooting under 50% from the field for the first time since the ’03-’04 season.  We secretly know that he has -47 plus/minus rating, second only to what’s left of Mike Bibby’s corpse (-77).    We all know this, but nobody wants to talk about it.

If we talk about it then it becomes real, and nobody wants to face the reality that the player that made it cool to be a Knicks fan again might be headed for the Great IR in the Basketball Heaven. 

Lin’s injury (aka the Linjury) is much more devastating.  I don’t have to go through all of his stats, but Lin had the highest Player Efficiency Rating on the team (19.93), and he was finally starting to create chemistry on the court.  Now that he (and Amar’e) are gone, the Knicks are basically the Pre-Melo Trade Nuggets: 

Melo = Melo

J.R. Smith = J.R. Smith

Baron Davis* = poor man’s Chauncy Billups 

Tyson Chandler = Nene

Landry Fields = Birdman (JK)

**Sidenote: I have never been more nervous with the ball in a point guard’s hands.  Even the easy passes that Baron makes look like they just barely get there.**

Talk about a throwback that nobody wants to see.  The only difference is that Melo is in a place where he wants to play, which, to be fair, makes all the difference. I still think Melo can be the centerpiece of a championship contender, but not this year. Melo can carry this team into the playoffs, but facing the Bulls/Heat in the first round isn’t really a recipe for success. 

I would be happy if the Knicks made it to the playoffs and won a game or two.  It’s not pessimism; it’s realism.  It would be an improvement off of last year, and it might assure Mike Woodson the coaching job once the season is over.  The basketball gods hate New York for some reason, and I’m starting to get sick of it.  Now that Tebow’s in New York let’s hope he can get God on our side.

Shoutout to Hampton and Homes Real Estate, the one stop shop for all of your Hamptons/Home related real estate needs

#DJLR