Thursday, January 9, 2014

The Real BCS National Championship Breakdown: Auburn vs. FSU (UNCUT)

      Enough with the blitzes and cover twos, the I-formation and the shotgun, the play-action and the bootleg. Blah, blah, blah.  We’ve heard them scrutinize Auburn and Florida State using X’s and O’s for too long. Now, let’s finally get down to what really matters – this is the REAL BCS National Championship breakdown…

1.     Mascot


The signature mascot matchup pits Auburn’s ferociously lovable Aubie the Tiger against Florida State’s questionably racist Osceola and Renegade.  A champion horse-rider at the Seminole-ympics, Osceola wields a feathered spear painted garnet by the blood of his opponents.  His trusty steed, Renegade, spends his days grazing on the scalps of the duo’s fallen adversaries and practicing its battle “nayyy.”  That’s all well and good, but Aubie is a tiger. Let me repeat that. Aubie is a TIGER. Tigers aren’t docile little cats that yell “grrrrreat!” and only want to provide us with a perfectly balanced breakfast. Look past the soft white fur and cute wittle whiskers and you’ll see a 300-pound killer. In the real world, we are a tiger’s perfectly balanced breakfast. Edge: Auburn.


2.     Female Fan made famous by Brent Musberger

Female Fan Made Famous by Brent Musburger

Every girl has felt violated by the prying eyes of a creepy older guy at one time or another. These experiences are relatively commonplace on subways, buses, and pretty much everywhere in New Jersey, not during a nationally televised football game. Yet sportscaster Brent Musburger managed to accomplish this feat twice on-air, once to Auburn’s Katherine Webb and again to FSU’s Jenn Sterger. During the 2012 BCS National Championship Game, Musburger spent over 30 seconds of prime-time television ogling over Webb, former Miss Alabama and quarterback A.J. McCarron’s girlfriend.  Seven years earlier, cameras zoomed in on FSU student Jenn Sterger in the stands of a Miami-FSU game, and Musburger nearly fainted.  Both fans aren’t the worst looking women in the world, but Brett Favre’s dick pics put Sterger in front by a head.  Edge: FSU. 


3.     Two-sport athlete


The Best Two-Sport Athlete category features a heavyweight matchup between Auburn’s Bo Jackson and FSU’s Deion Sanders. The first player to ever play in the Pro Bowl and the MLB All Star Game, Jackson hit 141 homeruns as the Kansas City Royals’ outfielder while rushing for over 2,000 yards out of the Los Angeles Raiders’ backfield.  Oh, and did I mention he won the Heisman? Sanders’ numbers are nothing to scoff at either: 53 career interceptions, 186 stolen bases, two Super Bowl Rings, a World Series appearance, and the only player ever to hit a homerun and score a touchdown in the same week.  Both are legends in their own right, but Jackson’s individual accomplishments trump Sanders’ championship presence. Edge: Auburn. 


4. WWE Diva


In this corner, representing Auburn University, we have The Diamond Doll, The Booty Babe herself, Kimberly Paaaaage.  And in this corner, wearing the garnet and gold miniskirt for Florida State University, we have the 2008 WWE Diva Champion, the Jesus Christ Suplex Star, the Not-So-Virgin Mary, Michelle McCoooooool. Now let’s get ready to RUMMMMBLE!!! Ding, ding, ding. Page starts by trying to put McCool in a headlock, but the power of Christ compels her.  McCool counters with a Russian Leg Sweep, knocking Page off her guard and dazing her. And what’s this?  It’s McCool’s signature finishing move: the Faith-Breaker!  Ooohhh, Page is down for the count and contemplating the meaning of her existence. The victory goes McCool and FSU!!! 


5.     Catchiest Song


FSU sends in Yellowcard’s “Ocean Avenue” to rhyme it out against Auburn-alum Elmo Shropshire’s “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer.”  FSU’s Yellowcard lead singer/guitarist, Ryan Key, wrote the band’s one-hit wonder in 2003, never dreaming that it would become the early-2000 bar mitzvah favorite that it was ten years ago.  Looking at Auburn: first of all, love the name Elmo Shropshire – sounds like a Sesame Street character crossed with a Hobbit. Moving on to the song, I don’t know what kind of sick, Christmas-themed things Elmo’s grandma must have done to prompt her grandson to write a song entitled “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer,” but regardless, the song is a holiday staple and even inspired the creation of an animated movie.  Both songs are pretty catchy, but the animated movie and the name “Elmo Shropshire” give Auburn the nod.  Edge: Auburn.



6.     Sports Personality


Auburn’s decides to roll with NBA Hall of Famer and TNT Analyst, Charles Barkely, to duke it out against FSU’s College Game Day sweetheart, Lee Corso.  In terms of experience, FSU definitely has the upper hand. Corso is shadily old, his parents having given birth to him during the Great Depression in 1935.  However, the 78-year old has been able to maintain his enthusiasm by staying hopped up on Mountain Dew and Cialis since the turn of the millennium. Yet Barkely is unmatched in the sports world. The Golf Channel show teaching him how to swing a golf club and his bashing on Shaq at half times makes Barkley a staple in off-the field sports entertainment that no amount of wacky headgear can overshadow.  Edge: Auburn. 


7.     Music Legend


For the Music Legend matchup, we’re grooving our way in time to the 1960’s.  FSU’s Jim Morrison broke into the musical world as the Nietzsche-philosophizing lyricist of The Doors while Auburn’s Lionel Richie made his soulful debut alongside Diana Ross in the R&B group, The Commodores.  An alleged heroin overdose cut Morrison’s promising career short; however, his profound lyrics and inimitable stage presence forever changed rock music. While Richie continues to have successful career, Morrison is a rock god. Break on Through: FSU.


8.     War Chant


Everybody knows that a school isn’t worth rooting for unless it has a sweet war chant, but luckily, Auburn and FSU excel in this category. FSU’s “massacre” melody mimics a Native American sorrow song that, as legend has it, was first heard after thousands of Native Americans were murdered by the United States. Add the signature Seminole Chop to this haunting melody, and you’ve got yourself a wholly insensitive yet chilling war chant. Although fun to say, Auburn’s “WAR EAGLE” has a less fun story behind it. The story goes that a Confederate soldier and a wounded eagle became BFFLs during the Civil War and the eagle flew around Auburn’s football stadium when the two returned to Auburn after the war. Auburn’s chant is rooted in friendship while FSU’s is rooted in murder. If I’m choosing a war chant, I’m going with the latter even if it’s politically incorrect. Edge: FSU.


9.     Recent Heisman Winner


Auburn’s Cam Newton squares off against FSU’s Jameis Winston in the deciding category of what has shaped up to be a historic matchup. In his 2010 Heisman campaign, Newton totaled 2,874 yards and 30 touchdowns through the air and 1,473 yards and 20 scores on the ground. This season, Winston trumped Newton’s numbers in the passing game (3,820 yards and 38 touchdowns) but simply wasn’t in the same league as Newton in terms of rushing (193 yards and 4 touchdowns).  Comparing each player’s competition: Newton beat out Stanford quarterback Andrew Luck who finished his sophomore season with 3338 passing yards and 32 touchdowns.  Winston’s runner-up, on the other hand, Boston College running back Andre Williams who ran for 2102 yards and 17 touchdowns (three less than Newton). Both players had phenomenal seasons, but Newton’s numbers are downright stupid and he won the award against stiffer competition.  Edge: Auburn.


10.  Recap:


The final tally:

Auburn – 5
Florida State – 4


And that’s the way the cookie crumbles. Call your bookies now because when analyzing what truly separates these two teams, we see that Auburn will be crowned this year’s BCS National Champion. Still, you better watch anyway to make sure.   

#DJLR

No comments:

Post a Comment