New Years' MEGABLOG

Hey!  Welcome back!  Grab a seat and make yourself at home.  If you’re thirsty there’s water in the fridge and--- wait what?  There’s no water?  There’s no fridge either?  Wait there’s not even a chair?  Wow I’m really sorry, I just had my blog renovated so the furniture must still be in storage.  Well, anyway now that you’re here you might as well stay for the

NEW YEARS’ MEGABLOG

            What better way to ring in the New Year than with some good ol’-fashioned blog-on-blog-on-blog analysis of anything and everything? But first, as always, we need to go through the New Years’ Resolutions of some of our favorite sports icons from 2012.

Mark Sanchez: “Hi Santa! For Christmas I want a Calvin Johnson and a Larry Fitzgerald and a Super Bowl ring and ooo and a pony!  And--- Huh? What do you mean it isn’t Christmas anymore?  Then who’s lap am I sitting--- wait, Tebow!?!? You’re not Santa! NOOOO!!!!”

Andy Reid: “First and foremost, I promise to stop hiding snacks in my mustache. Seriously, it's a bad habit and this year I'll actually stick to my promise.  Second, I promise to stop coaching the team with the worst turnover differential in the NFC (Eagles: -24) so that I can coach the team with the worst turnover differential in the AFC (Chiefs: -24).  Finally, I promise to make every Chiefs fan regret this hire.”

Mike D’Antoni: “I promise to overuse Kobe during the regular season and make every Lakers fan regret not getting Phil Jackson when they had the chance.”

Chip Kelly: “I promise to leave Oregon to coach in the NFL before the sanctions hit."

Gary Bettman: “I promise to do everything in my power to make sure that the NHL lockout will continue and that 2012-2013 hockey season will be cancelled.  I also promise to keep the title of Worst Commissioner in Sports safe from the clutches of Roger Goodell.  Also I hate puppies.”

Wasn’t that heartwarming?  Don’t you just love it when people try to better themselves/perpetuate their shortcomings for the New Year?

            Now that we got that out of the way, let’s get down to business. A lot has happened since the last post so fasten your seatbelts because we’re going rapid-fire:

 JETS:

In perhaps the most predictable ending to a season since Friends, the Jets managed to not only to disappoint every one of their fans, but also embarrass themselves on a national stage.  Mark Sanchez was so terrible that even Trent Dilfer was allowed to criticize him, the defense was ranked 20^th in points allowed, they were eliminated from the playoffs in Week 14, Tebow lined up as a wide receiver, and to celebrate the season Rex Ryan got an arm tattoo of his wife wearing a Mark Sanchez jersey.

Speaking of bad tattoos, here's your "Tattoo That Looked Better in My Head" of the month:

Back to business.  Basically the best part of the New Year for Jets fans is not having to suffer through another game until September.  The entire Jets season can be summed up in this play. 

The good news is that Jets management seems to be making the right moves to ameliorate the chaos.  They’re shopping Sanchez for whatever they can get (which is at most a couple of breadsticks), they fired GM Mike Tanenbaum, they’re looking to replace OC Tony Sparano with (possibly) Norv Turner, and they’re keeping Rex Ryan for another year.  I think keeping Rex is key because he's a good coach who was plagued by player injuries, weird and sometimes creepy mini-scandals, and devout loyalty to a quarterback who lost his job to Greg McElroy.  If the Jets can get a serviceable quarterback in the draft (Geno Smith?), revitalize their defense, and bag an upper echelon wide receiver (Dwayne Bowe/Mike Wallace?) the Jets could be a Wild Card contender.  But that’s a lot of ifs. 

GIANTS:

            Not quite as humiliating of a season as their hometown rival Jets, the Giants still managed to garner their fair share of embarrassment by squandering their playoff hopes after starting the season 6-2.  Many will point to injuries of Kenny Phillips, Justin Tuck, and Osi Umenyiora on the defensive side, which exacerbated an already exposed defense. This is true, but only half of the story.

            The other part of it is Eli Manning and the Giants’ offense.  Granted, Hakeem Nicks and Ahmad Bradshaw seemed perpetually on the injury report, but look at Eli’s numbers from the first half of the season compared to the second half.

First 8 games: 2,301 yards (>300 yards 3 times), 12 TD, 8 INT

Last 8 games: 1,647 yards (>300 yards 0 times), 14 TD, 7 INT

            Subtract the five-touchdown day that Eli had over the 4-12 Eagles in Week 17 when the Giants’ playoff chances were less likely than the chance that Kim and Kanye end up raising their baby together, and Eli only has nine touchdowns in the final eight games of the season.

            Eli’s turnovers were never the downfall for the Giants, but this year his lack of efficiency in the passing game was.  When Eli is moving the ball through the air that clears the box for Bradshaw/Brown/Wilson, giving the Giants a very formidable run/pass combination.  We saw sparks of it in the second half of the season (i.e. against the 49ers), but not enough for them to secure a playoff berth. 

            These numbers tell it all:

Eli in Giants wins (9 Games): 2,495 yards, 21 TD, 9 INT, 98.4 QB Rating

Eli in Giants losses (7 Games): 1, 453 yards, 5 TD, 6 INT, 72.2 QB Rating

At the end of the day, the Giants lived and died by Eli… and then died a little more from their 31^st ranked defense.

DJANGO UNCHAINED:

            Django Unchained was off the chain.  In case you were wondering, yes, I made that up, and, no, it’s not the first time I used that joke.

THE CHRISTMAS VS CHANUKAH VS KWANZAA DEBATE

            I’m ending this debate once and for all.  I’m a Jew and even I have to admit that Christmas is, by far, the best holiday of the three.  First of all, nobody actually knows what Kwanzaa is, let alone celebrates it.  I looked it up and saw a menorah thing and what looks like yamakas, so I can only assume that it’s Chanukah for black people. 

That being said, in regards to Chanukah vs. Christmas, it’s not even a contest.  People who argue for Chanukah say, “You get presents for eight nights!!! [pause and wait for reaction] EIGHT NIGHTS!!!!”  What non-Jews don’t realize is that getting presents for eight nights fucking sucks.  You don’t get any more presents than you normally would; you just get all of your presents spaced out evenly for eight nights.  Most times you don’t even get eight presents, so you go dry for a couple of the nights. 

Also, since the Jewish calendar is different from the regular calendar, Chanukah’s eight days are different every year.  Nobody except for the rabbi actually knows when Chanukah is until it actually is Chanukah, which ruins all of the fun of anticipating when you get your presents.

Finally, “Merry Christmas” sounds so much better than “Happy Chanukah,” and a Christmas Tree is infinitely better than a Chanukah Bush.  Everybody knows that a tree is just a better, taller version of a bush, and furthermore a Chunukah Bush sounds like some sort of creepy residue left over from No-Shave November. 

KNICKS:

            I could’ve done an entire post about the Knicks and why I’m fatally in love with them, but it would go on for days, so I’ll just limit it to a couple of paragraphs.

            I love that Melo has finally come on.  I know it sounds sadistic, but I think it was a good thing that Amar’e was injured to start the season.  It gave Melo time to establish that he is the number one guy on the team and that when Amar’e comes back it has to be in a complementary role.  I think the Knicks’ success in Amar’e’s absence has convinced Amar’e of this, which bodes well for both Amar’e’s future health and the Knicks’ depth if they can have both J.R. and Stat healthy coming off of the bench.

            I also love 2K13’s Mr. Potato Head a.k.a. Mike Woodson.  He’s finally gotten everyone to buy into his system and it shows.  He has a great mind for defense and has handled big personalities well thus far.  He's a much better overall coach than  D’Antoni and the Lakers are starting to see why Run-and-Gun Mike was forced to “retire” mid-season as coach of the Knicks.

            What's more the Knicks point guard play with the rotation of Jason Kidd, Raymond Felton, and Pablo Prigioni is one of the best in the league.  Kidd is a natural leader like Tyson, Felton looks thin and much better than he was two years ago, and how could you not love the little Argentinian/Italian thing that Prigioni does?  Also, J.R. Smith has shattered the record for most shots where everybody watching him goes “NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO- YES!!!!!”

            What makes me nervous though isn’t the record setting pace of three point attempts (which Charles Barkley think is “just turrrible”), but rather the Knicks low post game.  They’re currently being outrebounded by their opponents 1278 to 1376, a differential of about 100.  The Knicks are also ranked 27^th in rebounds per game and 22^nd in opponents’ rebounds per game.  This lack of a dominant inside presence was put on national display on Christmas Day when the Lakers absolutely dominated the Knicks down low, outscoring them 46-26 in the paint. 

            The Knicks can survive, and even thrive, when playing small ball teams like the Heat, but if and when the Lakers ever figure it out, the Knicks are going to be in a lot of trouble trying to mark up against Dwight Howard. Hopefully this will change with a healthy Amar'e in the lineup.

            With that being said, a realistic goal for the Knicks should be Eastern Conference Finals, as Carmelo said earlier in the year.  A championship is the ultimate goal though, but that comes later down the road as experience builds. 

BCS NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP

            My one-of-a-kind matchup is available courtesy of Yahoo! Sports:

http://50.17.251.64/blog/list/201301/notre-dame-fighting-irish-alabama-crimson-tide-bcs-football#1

            (Shameless self-promotion at its finest)

Here’s a little more shameless self-promotion for you, happy holidays:

#DJLR

NFL MEGA-WEEK (Part 2): The Tebow Saga (Eclipsed)

            Oh, hey!  I didn’t see you there for a second.  Stop sneaking up on me like that… Seriously, it’s weird… Whatever, now that you’re here we can finally start the middle installment of the MEGA BLOG on the collection of days that has been appropriately dubbed NFL MEGA WEEK:

The Tebow Saga: Eclipsed

 

Yesterday while we were talking about bounty systems, fines, suspensions, pimp hands, and jimmies, everybody’s favorite Christian was booted from the Mile High City because Satan showed up… Sorry, I meant to say because Peyton showed up. 

Regardless, Tebow was traded to the Jets yesterday, and with this move the football-throwing missionary began the second chapter of his young NFL career: Exodus.

[cut to old Jewish rabbi laughing]

On Wednesday the Jets traded a 4^th and a 6^th round pick to the Broncos for a Tebow and a 7^th round pick.  The Broncos needed to clear Tebow’s locker to make room for Peyton Manning’s neck brace (more on that in Part 3) and the Jets were (and are) in need of some Easy-Bake/Instant/just-add-water Offense. 

On paper, this seems like a perfect trade for the Jets.  They get an electrifying player who doubles as a messiah for basically a box of cookies (shout out to Stephen A. Smith).  Their new offensive coordinator, Tony Sparano, literally invented the Wildcat offense in Miami, and now they have the epitome of a wildcat quarterback. 

On paper, Tebow gives the Jets depth in the quarterback position (no matter how bad both of those quarterbacks are) and provides a dramatic change of pace to the Jets’ offense and contrast to Sanchez during games. 

On paper, Tebow gives the Jets a moral leader in the locker room: somebody who is loyal, humble, and wants to win more than anything else. 

On paper, the Jets have a better chance to win with Tebow than they did without Tebow. 

ON PAPER, this is all true.  But sports aren’t played on a paper because if they were then the Knicks would be the best team in the NBA.**

**Sidenote: #WOODSANITY #ITSNOTASDIRTYASITSOUNDS #THEARGONFACTOR**

In reality, Tebow is just going to be another distraction for the already troubled Jets.  The Jets intend for Tebow to be a Brad Smith 2.0 and complement the leader of their offense, Sanchez.  But the problem with this scenario is that you can’t get Tebow without giving all of your fans a raging Tebowner. 

What happens when Mark Sanchez throws a pick in the first game of the season and you start hearing the “TEEEEEBOWWWW” chants all throughout the stadium?  What happens if the Jets start out slow under Sanchez and pressure on Rex Ryan and Tony Sparano to give the fans what they want swells?  Will they put Tebow in to quell the criticism or will they stand by Sanchez?

This is probably all Mark Sanchez was thinking about during the six-hour snag in trade negotiations, and he was praying that Tebow would land somewhere else.  The only problem is that all prayers go directly through Tebow, so praying against him is futile. 

Sanchez is the most fragile **cough**pussy**cough** quarterback in the league.  If you didn't get my excessive coughing, I'm not actually sick, Sanchez is pussy. After coming off an end of season collapse that bumped the Jets from the playoffs, #TEBOWTIME probably isn’t the best therapy for him. 

It’s one thing if the Jets traded for Tebow so that he could be their starting quarterback.  Tebow has made it clear that he wants to be a starting quarterback in the NFL, and, honestly, he played better than Sanchez last season.  They were both in the bottom five in QBR (Sanchez – 33.6, Tebow 27.2), but when you’re that low down, what’s the difference between 31^st and 29^th?  Tebow makes up for his atrocious passing with incredible running that opens up the field. 

Sanchez has the talent and potential to be a better overall quarterback than Tebow, but Tebow might give the Jets the best chance to win now.  I mean, the guy was 7-4 as a starter and beat the Steelers in the playoffs (not to mention he beat the Jets with a far less talented team).  Sanchez was 8-8… just saying. 

So if Tebow is the better option right now, then why was this a bad trade?  It was a bad trade because the Jets have openly committed to Mark Sanchez as their starting quarterback.  The psychological pressure that Tebow coming to New York brings is the worst possible thing for Sanchez’s game. 

Sanchez will and should be the starting quarterback for the duration of the season (barring injury or JaMarcus Russel-like performances), but there will always be that one fan yelling “TEBOWWWW” no matter how well Sanchez plays. 

However it plays out, all I know is that I’ll be watching it all with a big bucket of popcorn in one hand and a Bible in the other (just kidding about the Bible, unless Tebow starts winning again). 

Shoutout to Insta.gram (I just wish I knew how to use it…)

#DJLR