“Yo, where are all the new DJLR’s?”
“Dude, you haven’t written a new DJLR since ‘Nam. GET ON IT!”
“WRITE ANOTHER DJLR OR I WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!”
This is just some of the feedback
that I wish I were getting for not having written a new column approximately 18
days*.
**The last one I actually did get, but it was from my 11-year-old
brother who doesn’t actually read the posts he just “likes the funny pictures
about that douche bag LeBron.”
I’ve taught him well**
It’s not that I haven’t wanted to
write one (I’ve been working on this idea for like a month); but I was doing
nothing. I know that sounds
contradictory, but have you ever actually done nothing? No
obligations, nobody to answer to, just you, your pool, your friends, a couple
great movies, and Bill Simmons’ Book of
Basketball.
It’s like a vacation except
better. When you go away on
vacation you’re obligated to “do things” because of the “How Could You Waste
Your Days in Such a Beautiful Place Doing Nothing?” effect. When people ask you what you did on
your trip to Italy, you don’t want to say “I did nothing,” so you wake up early
and spend your days taking half-hearted tours of Rome from a guide who uses
antiquated American slang words like “groovy,” which is funny for the first
hour but once you get to Hour 5 you just want to throw him off the top of Saint Peter’s Basilica and hope you don’t burn in hell for it.
Sometimes you just have to do
nothing for a while and recharge your batteries. I needed this nothing time… badly, which is why this
Memorial-Day-Weekend-Extended-by-Senior-Cut-Day was so clutch. Wait a minute…
What is “clutch?” What’s the
difference between “Badly Needed Do Nothing Weekend” clutch and, say, “Kobe
Bryant Fourth Quarter” clutch? Is
one more valuable than the other?
Am I just forcing a transition here even though there’s no correlation
whatsoever? Let’s find out:
LEVELS OF CLUTCH:
In every sport there are games,
possessions, and plays that matter more than others. In honor of the 2012 NBA Playoffs we’re going to use basketball
as our baseline, but the Levels of Clutch (patented, trademarked, not available
for resale without the express written consent of DJLR Sports) can apply to any
sport and even some real life situations.
We’ll start from the bottom and work our way up…
12. Just No
– The name says it all. You don’t
want him anywhere near the ball.
Period. When the fourth quarter comes around tie this guys arms and legs
together with heavy duty rope and chain him to a metal chair… in a
maximum-security jail cell… at the bottom of the ocean… in space.
Example: Johan Petro (New Jersey
Nets) Who is that? Exactly.
11. Regular Season
Hero – This guy gets it done in the regular season. He doesn’t have to be spectacular, but
he’s at least a serviceable player on a playoff team. However, for some
inexplicable reason, he breaks down in the playoffs. There’s no feasible reason as to why his play is falling off
except the fact that each game matters more and he can’t handle the pressure.
Example: Steve Novak* (New York
Knicks)
**In Novak’s defense, the Heat
smothered him at the three-point line and he literally didn’t have time to
release the ball, but the fact that he only attempted seven three pointers in
the entire series is inexcusable**
10. $0.75
– This guy right here plays well in first three quarters but comes up short
when it matters most. LeBron has
been the butt of many of these “short one quarter” jokes, but in reality LeBron
has proven that he can be “the guy” in the fourth quarter several times during
his career. Remember Game 2 in the 2009 Eastern Conference Finals against the Magic? He may not have the relentless need to win that Jordan had, but he has made big
shots.
Example: perceived LeBron James
(Miami Heat)
9. Put Your Money
Where Mouth Is – In the midst of a media frenzy about the player (trade
rumors, off the court issues, inability to play on team that he is on, etc.)
the player comes up big to prove that “haters gonn' hate.” He has a memorable game to dispel all
criticism and lets his performance speak for itself
Example: Rajon Rondo (Boston
Celtics) in what Bill Simmons dubbed his “DON’T FUCKING TRADE ME!” game (18 PTS, 17 REB, 20 AST)
8. Present!
– The player shows up BIG in an important game when a key player goes down to
injury or suspension. The player
knows “this game is on me, if I don’t have a great game, my team will
lose.”
Example: Paul Pierce (Boston
Celtics) in Game 2 of the Celtic’s first round series against the Hawks when he scored 36 points and grabbed 18 rebounds (after
Rondo was suspended for bumping an official LOL).
7. Must or Bust–
The player has stellar performance in a “must win” game (even though its not
technically must win, just “it would be a really good idea if we won this game
or else we’re going to be in a bad situation”)
Example: LeBron James (Miami Heat)
in Game 4 in the Heat’s second round series against the Pacers (40 PTS, 18 REB, 9 AST)
6. Elimination
Sensation– The player plays well in elimination game that’s not Game
Seven (etc. game 4, 5, 6). He
wills his team to win and extends the team’s season if not only for a couple more days. If his team makes it to Game 7 then it
becomes…
5. Seventh Heaven
– Two words every sports fan lives for: Game. 7. Well favorite word/number combination if you’re being
technical. This guy delivers when
there’s only one game that decides who’s moving on and who’s going home crying
[insert Chris Bosh crying joke].
Example: Bill Russell (Boston
Celtics) in Game 7 of the 1962 NBA Finals (30 points, 40 rebounds)
 |
**Sidenote: Is this not the creepiest picture you've ever seen? Russell looks like a cross between Golum from Lord of the Rings and a pedophile luring a child in with candy**
4. FINALly
– AKA Finals MVP, this player steps up his game when title is on the line. The stage is never bigger, the lights
are never brighter, the girls are never hotter, and he shows everybody why they
pay him the big billz.
Example: James Worthy (Los Angeles
Lakers) 1988 Finals MVP (had a triple double in Game 7)
3. The Closer
– The Closer is the person who finishes off the game for you. He takes control with two minutes left
and gives everybody in the stadium the same feeling: “he’s got this.” He is never more comfortable and he
seems to make every right decision down the stretch.
He fills the other team’s fans with dread while giving his own fans a
feeling of comfort, like a mother tucking her children in at night and kissing
them on the forehead.
Example: Chris Paul (Los Angeles
Clippers)
2. Ultimate Final
Touch Clutch – it’s the last shot, who do you want to be the last
person to touch the ball before the clock hits 0:00? It’s the truest definition of the word clutch.
Example:
Michael Jordon (Chicago Bulls), Larry Bird* (Boston Celtics)
**I hate the Celtics, but the Legend was a boss. My all time favorite
story about him: in the first ever NBA Three Point Contest in 1986, Bird
walks into the locker room and says to his competitors “Alright, who’s playing
for second?” The Legend then
proceeds to sink 11 straight three pointers en route to winning his first of three consecutive NBA Three
Point Contests.**
1. The Brian Scalabrine
– AKA the White Mamba AKA the God is all of these clutches put together,
strikingly handsome, ridiculously skilled, but his coach doesn’t put him in the
game because it would be unfair to the other team.
**Note: A player can be more than one clutch at a time. For example, Bill Russell’s 40-30
performance in Game 7 of the 1962 Finals was FINALly Seventh Heaven and LeBron's game-winning shot against the Magic in Game 2 of the 2009 Eastern Conference Finals showed a flash of Ultimate Final Touch Clutch in addition to Must or Bust.**
If you have your own
level of clutch (and it’s actually good), send it to dkatz24@gmail.com and you have a chance to
win fabulous cash prizes (not really though, but it might you might get a
shoutout or a hug or something)
Shoutout to K-Dawg,
T-Skillet, and Gray Hound McDougle
#DJLR
