With the Stanley Cup Playoffs in full
effect, it’s understandable that people don’t seem that excited about the
NBA. Don’t worry, I don’t blame
you. The NHL Playoffs are like cocaine,
and three Game Sevens over the course of two nights is the equivalent to
stumbling upon Tony Montana’s Colombian Cocaine Kingdom from Scarface (except nobody gets strangled
out of a helicopter).*
**Sidenote: I know, a sidenote
this early? Yeah, deal with it. Anyway, if you have a friend struggling with
a cocaine addiction, invite him over to watch a Stanley Cup Playoffs Game Seven
for a team that he is a fan of. It might
take some timing, but it’ll happen (unless he’s an Islanders fan… in which case
he’s fucked). I guarantee that by the
time the third period starts, cocaine will be the farthest thing from his
mind. He’ll be sitting 0.3 inches away
from the TV screen, sweating profusely, breathing heavily, and yelping every
time someone takes a shot… On second thought, you might want to have him watch
in the guest room…**
Enough with all this drug talk. What are you, an addict? Stop it.
Now, back to the NBA. The Association
hasn’t really been putting up a fight to keep its viewers watching these past
couple of days. I mean, the only
“relevant” storyline is the Bobcats tanking like they’re in World War I. Everybody has known who the playoffs teams
are for days, if not weeks (even my Knicks clinched like five days ago), the
seeding is pretty much set, Pop has been resting the Spurs starters since
the All Star Break, and there are only so many ways to make Metta World
Peace-elbow jokes.*
**My
tweet after it happened:
@KittyKatzMcGoo: Metta
tomahawks Harden and the future of World Peace looks bleak... #DJLR
(Yes, embarrassingly
enough, that is my real twitter name, and yes, I actually did hashtag DJLR)**
The playoffs can’t come soon
enough. We could break down every single
first round matchup, talk about what the Knicks have to do to beat the Heat, discuss
why not going for home court in the first round will come back to haunt the
Celtics, and preform an in-depth breakdown of what’s more painful to watch: The Shining or a Bobcats-Wizards game, but that
would take too long and 99% of you would probably stop reading after this
sentence (thanks Mom and Dad). Soooo,
DJLR has decided to do something a little more kid-friendly:
Disney Princesses In Sports
In case you can’t read script (like me until the 11th
grade) or you’re just in disbelief staring at the screen, the title says
“Disney Princesses in Sports.” No, this
is not a typo. You know how when a huge
underdog makes an unlikely run in the playoffs they are called a “Cinderella”
team? Well that got us to thinking, why
don’t we use other Disney Princesses to label teams in unique sports
situations? Well, we couldn’t find a
good reason, so here are just a couple of Disney Princess labels:
Cinderella:
Classic
Cinderella. Everybody knows the
deal. Team that nobody expects comes out
of the blue to upset a heavy favorite, and makes an unlikely run in the playoffs. The franchise doesn’t have any true marquee
players, but for some reason they’re really gelling as a team right now. On most occasions, the glass slipper breaks
and the team’s story is cut short along the way, but a true Cinderella makes it
to the Finals and wins in thrilling fashion.
The Cinderella is normally from a small market, but a big market team
that has been perennially bad can also qualify (ex: Mets, Islanders).
Alternative Names: David (in David vs. Goliath), Underdog
Ursula
Common Quotations Regarding Team’s
Victory:
“It’s a
MIRACLE!”
“You can’t be
serious.”
“Who the fuck is
[insert Cinderella here]?!?!”
Examples in History: 1980 USA Olympic Hockey Team
Examples in 2012 NBA Playoffs (if they win): Philadelphia 76ers, Utah Jazz
Ariel:
Now
we move on to Ariel from The Little Mermaid. Ariel desperately wanted to be human, but
sadly, she was born as some freakish half-fish half-human hybrid. I’ve been hearing rumors saying that she dies
at the end, but that’s not the Little Mermaid I remember, so eff dat. How does this relate to sports? Well, an “Ariel” is a team that plays well
one way, but desperately tries to play another way and they suck. The team always loses because they try to be
something they’re not, and this dooms their chances.
Alternative Names: Changing Charlotte, Identity-Crisis Iris
Common Quotations Regarding Team’s Play:
“What are they doing?!?”
“Stop messing
around and play!”
“This isn’t the
same team I’ve been watching all season.”
Examples in History: 2011 New York Jets (second half of
season)
Examples in 2012 NBA Playoffs: Los Angeles Lakers (when they don’t give
the ball to Kobe)
Sleeping Beauty:
Ahh, Sleeping Beauty. Sleeping Beauty is asleep for most of her
movie, so I don’t know why she’s so popular.
The name in sports really has nothing to do with the movie, but rather
about the name itself. Sleeping Beauties
have the potential to be great, and have moments of greatness; however, they
currently are in a winning slumber.
Everyone is afraid of them because they know that they could wake up at
any time, but as of now they aren’t going anywhere. Her talent is visible; she’s just not awake
so it’s a little weird.
Alternative Names: Potential Patty, Scary-Team-To-Play
Stephanie
Common Quotations Regarding Team’s Play:
“They’ve got
potential.”
“I wouldn’t want
to see them in the playoffs”
“JUST WAKE UP
ALREADY.”
Examples in History: 2011 Philadelphia Eagles
Examples in 2012 NBA Playoffs: New York Knicks
Mulan:
Ohhhh you forgot about Mulan, didn’t
you? That’s the point. Mulan was a freaking great movie, except
nobody talks about her anymore. Mulan is
a badass warrior princess who is the only one of the Disney princess who actually fights
for what she wants. She also has a witty fire-breathing dragon named Mushu as a sidekick!! It gets me choked up just thinking about it. Anyway, a Mulan is a team that has flown
under the radar, but is still really good and teams realize this once they face
them.
Alternative Names: Underrated Uma
Common Quotations Regarding Team’s Play:
“Wow, I didn’t
know these guys were that good.”
“Where have they
been all year?”
“Shit, I picked
against them in my fantasy bracket…”
Examples in History: 2011 Dallas Mavericks
Examples in 2012 NBA Playoffs: Memphis Grizzlies (before everybody
realized they were a Mulan)
Weird how Disney created these
characters to fit so perfectly for sports… that or maybe I’m just taking this a
little too far…
Shoutout to NYR and MSG
#DJLR
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